Where It Leads Us

Chapter Sixty-nine

If I were able to foresee the future, seven months ago, I would've done anything to prevent the events of my senior year from becoming the pinnacle of my life as a slow-burning tragedy. Actually, if I were able to foresee the future, three years ago, I would've done anything to prevent all of the events that unfolded before me—including the people I've met that I wish I hadn't.

On the philosophical side of the mind, I would be told that everything happens for a reason because it simply does. I like to think that every situation where every choice I had made simply had endless possibilities— a reality in which another aspect of me coexists happily with a group of friends; wasting away the days of my senior year on parties, beer cans, kids on drugs, one night stands, and beer-pongs, rather than the reality in which my decisions led me to where I met the potential love of my life, where my actions are now posing as a threat that could cause me to lose her in significant ways due to my stupidity.

The longer I stare at myself in the mirror, the more I want to question my line of thinking. Am I really saving Lauren from all of this or am I just saving the person that she saw in me?

I try fixing my bow tie that matches the color of my suit as if it would make any changes to my whole appearance. The black and white tuxedo that I rented almost cost 200 dollars to pay. I had to pay 165 for the suit and 35 dollars just for the reservation of the suit, itself.

I was sure that I wouldn't be attending prom but I wouldn't want to miss out on making the last few memories of my senior year of high school with Lauren still with me. I know I'm sure that I wouldn't be going off to college, regretting what could've been, and I think I owe myself the time to enjoy the now.

As I check the time on my phone, I immediately went down the stairs to wear my running shoes. I hear my mom from the living room, calling out to me to take a picture before I leave early and surprise, Lauren, at their house with some flowers after her cousin and I made up a plan of getting her to go to prom.

I was about to escape the picture-taking session with my mom when the front door opened, seeing my dad walk in with another pile of documents that were almost towering and blocking his view.

"Dad," I quickly grabbed a few documents to help him and placed them immediately inside the living room coffee table.

My mom grabs me by the arm, tugging the coat of my suit that was inches away from ripping if I were only too stubborn enough and leave, but couldn't because of the 200-dollar suit I rented, with an original price of 600 dollars if I were to buy it just because my mom ruined it.

"Mom, you're going to rip my coat off," I told her as I grabbed her hand from the sleeve of my coat. "I'm going to be late."

She stares at me with pleading eyes and says, "I just want to have a picture with you before you leave in that beautiful suit you rented."

"Rented? I told you I'd buy you a suit," My dad joins in on the conversation after he placed all of his stuff down on the coffee table. He got a good look at me after eyeing my tuxedo up and down, with his head nodding silently in approval.

My mom shoves the camera to my dad, gesturing for him to take a picture of us as my mom quickly poses for the camera. I stood awkwardly and forced a smile on my face as the light from the camera quickly flashes along with the picture being taken.

"Just a few more," Mom says to dad as he immediately took more pictures.

A few sets of camera flashes later, I quickly head out of the front door, jogging towards the car. After unlocking the vehicle and inserting the key into the ignition, I drove off and head to Lauren's house.

❀

"For the record, I wasn't persuaded by you just because of the bluebell flowers you got me," Lauren says as she took a quick sniff of the bouquet of flowers, I got her.

When I told Mr. Brady I wanted to surprise Lauren with some of the flowers that I saw her admiring when we went to the flower fields, I knew exactly what kind of flowers she wanted, and Mr. Brady was generous enough to pick them from their shed and give them to me.

"That's okay," I told her, "Even if you said no, I would stay at home with you instead of wasting our time in a place where I know you'd last rather be."

Before turning to face me, she looks at the flowers. As the starry night continued to cast its best light above us, there was silence outside the parking lot that brought me closer to her.

There was an evident hint of sadness in her eyes as they locked with mine. If only I were strong enough, I'd bare the weight of her shoulders for her. But as the silence between us grew longer, I found myself hating the way I am for selfishly keeping her for the sake of wanting her to stay with me and choose me, for whatever our lives brought. For the benefit of my frailty; out of fear that I would completely lose her.

"You know I'd give you anything if I could," I told her as she held my gaze, slowly nodding her head as a smile slowly creeps its way on her face, "And for whatever happens after, I hope you'd still think of me fondly."

I held her close, allowing her forehead to rest on mine, "And you know that I can't promise you anything."

I try to smile the pain away, "I-I know," I felt my throat becoming tight as the thought of losing her becomes clearer at the back of my mind, "I just hope. And I hope you know that my love for you is constant."

I watch as her eyes look down, staring at the bouquet of bluebells on her lap. And when I eventually get a glimpse of that smile on her face, it slowly occurs to me that she is the only person I want and would selfishly keep only because I am unable to acknowledge that it was me. It's my fault.

***