Who am I?

Silence

While laying on my bed, listening to lofi, and writing in my journal, I hear a noise coming out of my bathroom, I get up and head there curious. It's just my cat, Blondy, coming home from the window as always. Blondy is a black cat, we've had her since we moved in here, she was a gift from my mom for my 16th anniversary, I am now 18. She lost a piece of her ear fighting with other cats in the streets, but that doesn't stop her from going outside despite my big brother, Reginald's fears, she's a very independent being, so much so that sometimes we spend days without seeing her inside the house, but we do notice her outside when coming home from school and work near the woods surrounding the neighborhood on the wooden bench that my brother and I built to rememorate my mother who died four months ago of breast cancer. It's about three blocks away from the house and it's her favorite spot. Blondy and mom used to spend a lot of time there when she was alive and sick, they used to sit on the grass and play around which made me feel like she was more my mother's cat than mine, but I guessed that Blondy probably sensed that mom was sick. To my surprise neighbors recently started to often go there to pet Blondy probably unaware of the bench's purpose. Unlike my brother, my sister, Nori, the eldest of the family, and I don't often go there, although she does when she sees the cat. Personally, I can't, it's too hard for me. To be fair my relationship with my mom was pretty rocky. 

"Blondy! It's 10:06!" I say, scooping down to her level to pet her. She doesn't usually come home this late, even when she spends days outside, she always shows up in the morning.

She parades herself around my arm and meows multiple times indicating that she is hungry, she leaves the room probably expecting one of the others to feed her. 

As I was about to step out, I caught my reflection in the mirror. I looked pretty sad, I have for months now but it's a sadness I believe adds a certain beauty to my features. I stand there for a while admiring myself, I've been doing that a lot lately, and I see my mom in me, we have the same brown eyes and brown hair, especially after letting them grow like hers after her death, I used to cut them all the time before. But It's more than just appearances, when I look into my eyes in the mirror it's like I'm looking directly at her, as if we were the same, as if she was just an older version of me, and that scares me. 

I start crying thinking about it, I put my hands over my mouth so that no sounds come out. I Wipe my eyes, run into my room, and quickly put on sandals and a jacket over the bear onesie that I'm wearing. I pack my already rolled blunts and get out of the room hoping no one was there to see me, and luckily enough not a soul in sight except for Blondy who's munching on her processed food barely acknowledging me. I leave the house, lock the door and just start walking randomly, lost in my thoughts, I put my blunt out and light it. I started thinking about the fact that it's not safe for girls to walk alone at night. I roll my eyes, the weed's already making me tweak and I don't want to think too deeply about it. It's a beautiful starry night, the wind blowing through my curls, I take my time to observe my surroundings. It's a very nice neighborhood and the more time I spend here, the more I like it. We moved here about 2 years ago, and I have liked it since day one, it has a nice atmosphere to it, and we are pretty elevated in the mountains there are a lot of trees, we have a lot of neighbors but it's not too crowded either, it is pretty diverse when it comes to age but it is a black-dominated area. It's a long walk but a small drive to get to the nearest grocery store, which had me thinking that it could have been nice to have taken the car. I lowkey regret not getting my headphones or speaker to play some music as well.

 While walking I found myself at my mother's bench and to my surprise, someone was already sitting there with some music playing on a speaker, but I could barely see their face despite the moonlight, they had a hoodie on and their head down and didn't make much of an effort to see who I was. Although I was hoping to be alone the whole night since I was here after all this time avoiding it, I wanted to say hi to Mom and I was grateful for the music.

So, I sit quietly at a safe distance, happy that my taser gun is always in my weed stuff. I thought about putting out the weed, but I just can't, I need something to relieve the stress and I have a pretty high tolerance but I still worry about getting randomly attacked by the stranger beside me. My thoughts started flooding in all the good and bad memories of my mom and family came to my mind all at once, overwhelming me, I just started crying out of nowhere unable to hold back the tears and sobbing.

The person doesn't leave and for some reason, their presence makes me feel emotionally safe. They ignored me for a while but then when I was finally able to stop, they put the volume down a little turned their head toward me, and asked: "Can I hit that?"

We both chuckle, I wipe my tears and as I pass the tree, I turn towards them. It was at that moment that I recognized him. He looks sad just like me, the faint smile he had slowly faded away, he seems just as surprised as me that we found each other and here at that, of all places, here.

"Should I turn off the music?" He asks again looking embarrassed. 

I shake my head no and turn away, going back to my thoughts. He puts the volume to the level it was before while slowly putting his head back on the bench, he takes a deep breath, sits up, and starts smoking. And that's how we spend the rest of the night, with music starring at nothing and everything, passing the weed back and forth without exchanging a single word. I would never admit it to him so early but I am so happy that he's here with me tonight and call me crazy but I'm pretty sure that he is too. The vibes were immaculate, It was as if we were dancing together. 

He suddenly turns the music off with no explanation, picks up his speaker, avoids looking at me, and gets up. He looks at his watch. 

"It's already 3 am. Do you mind if I drop you off at your house?" He asks without looking down at me who is still sitting on the bench. 

I get up without a word and take his hand. He says nothing and we start walking without a word. On the way home, we catch Blondy playing around on the empty road. She runs towards us when she sees us. I pick her up and she makes herself comfortable on my shoulder letting us both pet her, when she's done with us she wiggles her way out of my grip and goes on her merry way. We both chuckle and keep walking waving goodbye at her who already forgot about our existence. We walk a couple more minutes silently and finally arrive at my doorstep, he kisses me on the cheek and simply leaves.