Who am I?

The Gift

As we sit near the chimney, I recalled the first gift he gave to me, a heart necklace, I remember complaining that it couldn't open therefore I could not put any pictures inside it. 

I wear it to this day and no one ever mentions it. Not even him.

"So does that mean we are together?" He asks reluctantly pushing away from me and scratching his head.

"Uhm, all of our feelings are confused and angsty, I wish to keep thinking about it despite me missing your touch."

"We can think about it while doing adult stuff"

I chuckled a little surprised at how forward he is right now considering how ashamed he was two minutes ago.

"Did my body tell you something?" I ask jokingly.

He looks at me profoundly, chuckles, and becomes serious out of nowhere. "I know you need me now as you needed me then. Your body probably speaks in ways your mind and mouth forget how to"

"Hm, how is she? Did she help with your grief?" I ask with a petty tone. "Did your body need her?"

"NO!" He responds defensively. "Men are not often believed but to be honest I felt forced that day, and the more I recall it the more it confirms it."

"Like I just was?" 

"Did I push too hard?"

"Maybe! But maybe I liked it. But back to you, why would you believe yourself forced?"

We never spoke of that day, that's why it is blurry in my mind, plus two funerals to deal with one day after the other is quite tiring and draining. 

He sighs and prepares himself to thoroughly explain.

"As I recall it, I wasn't in a good mental space, losing your mom felt like losing my own, overwhelming. She took me in. So when my ex called, and said she was in an accident, I couldn't bare, another woman I love was almost gone. I went to visit her, turns out it was a lie..."

I gasp and stop him before he could continue, "Why would she lie about that on such a day? Did she not know? Or does she simply lack any respect for me and our relationship, even for you?"

"She did know, she said some stupid things I didn't even take the time to listen to and before I knew it we were having sex. I was pretty numb and didn't feel a thing although she looked pretty satisfied with herself."

I am very confused by this explanation. I let it go and point to my necklace.

"Remember when you gave me that?" I ask

 "For your birthday and it was here!" He exclaims.

"Our relationship can be defined in many different ways depending on the point of view, both my family and yours have been through more than one unnecessary damage. We have shared our energies with more than one unnecessary person. Wasted time which makes us so forceful in keeping this bond awake."

He nods. His eyes seem to be very attentive, I think He's hoping for the best right now.

"I can understand your trauma, I can understand that life gives no fuck and that when push come to shove well shove comes to push. " We both chuckle knowing the personal hidden meaning of that sentence. "I want a relationship with you, and as we are here as we both talk, I realize that I never truly broke up with you, in my mind we were always and still are together."

He smiles and nods. "As for me! But you fear." He sighs

"We both fear." I retorque knowing he was lowkey talking to himself.

"So since that is the case, I propose we go with the flow. As you can see we push and we shove to put a title on what we are and in the end we just are. Might as well stay in a way comfortable with who we are with one another."

"But who am I?"

"A gift to me! Your existence soothes mine. I love you!" I say

"I agree! Let's just be!."