Who am I?

A memorable day

" Ok, I'm writing this but I honestly do not know how to portray my thoughts in a perfect way, I don't know how to justify or explain the disappointment I feel, no matter how many times my brother tells me that I have the right to feel whether I'm right or wrong, writing this feels wrong, the fact that I have to write it feels wrong. You know the day my mom died, you weren't there for me, you didn't even know, but I had lost my scholarship a day prior to that and you weren't there and I was really looking forward to getting comfort from you. That should have been my first sign but when I received the news from the hospital that's when it really hit that you didn't care about me, I tried calling you several times but got no answers, I stayed all night crying at the sound of the ringing but then I still forgave that. We talked, you were busy fine and you didn't show up for my mother's funeral. Still, I do understand that sometimes we get bad feelings when bad things are about to happen to us. Still, I think what did it for me was when I found out why you didn't come to the funeral, the fact that you went to see your ex that day... never mind the fact that she had an accident. You showed up right away for her, not even letting me know and having intercourse with her on top of that, supposedly because you felt pity for her, on that day, at that moment, you should honestly be ashamed of yourself, whatever your other reasons to do such a thing were I'm getting old. I'm getting right to the case, I love you, now that doesn't mean that I want to be with you again and I honestly don't know if I'll ever want to be if I'll ever be happy enough with you to make you my companion not saying that that's what you're looking for. But I do want you in my life I feel like I can't stay too far from you but it's so odd for me, I made it a point in my life not to take too many hits from people, not to let them walk all over me, but I'm still willing to give you a chance and I wonder if it's because I simply don't respect myself or because I just love you that much... ."

She stays quiet, crying, and can't even breathe. Honestly, I don't know what to say this speech leaves me dumbfounded. Despite it all, I think she's right she's the only thing I've been able to think about, I was so wrong during that time, I don't even know why I was acting out, it was as if I was possessed that day, specifically that day, the day of the funeral, I couldn't possibly understand why I had sex with another woman, I can't even look at myself in the mirror lately, my dad died yet all my thoughts are and were about her as if I didn't have a life of my own to live, I can't even grief peacefully, I wonder is this love? or is this just torment for all the wrong I did her? She might just be talking about these specific events but I've done way worse to her in the past but, from time to time when I'm not fantasizing about a future with her, I can only think about all the good times we had together, the simple moments, the drama-free moments, where it was only us, even when other people were around, it felt like we were in our own world, alone, loving on each other, I don't want to lose her either, I can't lose her either, I just can't! Might as well die.

" I can't speak anymore." Her tears had dried out on her face, she looks pretty. She's looking at her hands, playing with them.

I wonder what's going on in her mind, and it just occurred to me that I should have been recomforting her, even though she might have pushed me away, I should have tried, we are after all both going through this heartbreak together, I can't stand to be this far from her, so unconnected to her thoughts and feelings, what's wrong with me? I look down at my hands and I feel the tears falling on them, scared to look up, I start sobbing quietly trying not to disturb the little peace she just finally reached after reading about those awful moments.

 I see her blurry form approaching me when I look up, she tries to touch me but I push away, whispering " I don't deserve it." She says nothing and just stands there, I can't form out her facial expression as my head is down. I suddenly get up and head for the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror, wipe my tears, and step right out.

"Come." I say softly, taking her by the arm, not leaving her any choice but to follow suit.

She stumbles out of the bed, her arm still in my hand and puts on her slippers, we step out of the room, she looks confused and lost, and so am I, I don't even know where we're heading, I just keep walking and we found ourselves in their kitchen, I've always liked it, It's quite big. Since I like to cook and she doesn't, she liked to sit by the counter watching me do my magic, so I let go of her arm and just start grabbing utensils and start cutting stuff I took from the fridge. I don't even know what I grab, I think I got an onion, some peppers, and cilantro. 

" Are you okay?" She asks softly looking perplexed at my behavior.

" I just want to break stuff," I say with a pout, which I know she likes, well at least she used to. " I need to do something nice",  tears start coming out again, and I get annoyed at my own feelings, but I can't get angry right now, I have a knife I might hurt myself, so I control it. " Something nice for you! I'm tired of hurting you, I'm tired of not being in control of myself, and my behavior! I want to do better, be better by you. You might not want me as yours, but I do, I do a lot, I still can't believe I let that go" At that point, I couldn't control the tears, so I just stop cutting to relax, I breathe in and out because it's getting hard to recognize myself, I feel like again I can't control my behavior which goes against what I just said, I can't stand myself.

She grabs the knife, and starts cutting the vegetables herself, calmly, she chuckles. I feel threatened. Is she planning on killing me right now? Why is she smiling? She scares me then it hits, I love her too much, way too fucking much. All those feelings, these blurry things, they got me acting and thinking crazy like my mother when she used to think that my father was cheating on her, she always got paranoid around that idea and felt unsafe in the marriage. I feel emasculated. I say nothing and watch, waiting for her response. 

" You're a hoe that's your problem!" She chuckles and I can't help but to smile, although feeling like my feelings are being made a joke of, in all of this I notice the dried tears on her cheeks, and how watery her eyes get, so I stay quiet feeling as if there was no point in feeling any type of negative emotions, I stay quiet feeling like my turn is done, It's her turn to feel, to say something. 

"You know we're allowed to love! As crazy as it might seem, as illegal as it might feel for a man. Dot dot dot." She takes a bowl from one of the cabinets and throws the cut vegetables in em. " I couldn't tell you how to feel in those moments, I can only tell you how I did, although I can guess certain things, it's never really sure in my mind unless you tell me, but our trust has been broken so many times that even if you do, I'll still be kept wondering, it's hell! Loving you is hell and I bet loving me is so as well! So just for now if you don't mind repairing certain things, we can keep grieving together, show each other how much we mean to one another, and create more time for the ones we've already lost, we can see how far we can go with this relationship whether in friendship or more because I can tell you that even I don't truly know how to feel about this."

"No!" I respond 

"No?" She asks

"No!" I say approaching her to kiss her and we just start kissing passionately, leaving very little space to breathe, she pushes me away. It surprised me so I just stand there dazed, I wipe my mouth, waiting for her to say something. 

She sighs and almost screams: " I love you!" with a shaken voice. " But NO! pleeaase, I'm tired." She starts crying uncontrollably and falls to the floor, I take a hold of myself and go toward her, I sit and take her in my arms as she cries. I just stay there silently humming a little tune which ends up calming her down and we just stay there on the floor in each other's arms.