Who am I?

Insecurities

It's been a week since I last saw Karl, we ended up not having the dinner date my siblings and I talked about since I saw him at the tattoo shop. The tattoo is beautiful but getting it done is not as overwhelming as the realization that it's going to stay there forever. If I thought that sitting on the bench was a lot, I wasn't thinking about the impact and the thoughts that the permanent tattoo would bring to the surface. That night all three of us sat on the fluffy carpet in the living room drinking hot milk, mom's favorite drink to make us in the winter, and we could not stop talking about her, happily, for the first time in months, we weren't sad about her passing but at peace. It gave us some closure and I'm delighted Reg had the idea because it led us to this heartwarming moment. 

~ "I'm thinking of opening a tattoo shop for myself."~ 

Karl's voice resonates in my head. He was sitting next to me and it had already been two weeks since the funeral happened and I had already forgiven him for not showing up for me. Apparently, Karl's dad had died on the day of my mother's funeral but not at the same time! Even during the call, we had, he still didn't know he just wasn't feeling okay the whole day but could not pin his finger on it. He had a car accident and his funeral was about to happen the day after that conversation. That's what we were preparing for. To be honest I've thought multiple times about ditching him as he did me! And I think he could see it on my face and that's why he wasn't letting me out of sight."~

Thinking about this day, I think I should text him. So I do!

- Hey I know this is unexpected, but I really need to see you...

After doing so I run outside, phone in hand.  I see Blondy munching on some raw chicken in her little corner. Nori tries from time to time to feed her raw and healthy meat adding special nutrients that will help her health, it's still processed if you ask me tho. Neither Reg nor Nori are here right now, Reg is at the university during the day, and if she's not sleeping the whole day to catch up on her night shift Nori is probably at Jerry's unless she has a secret life I know nothing about or finally decided to make friends other than those she has in common with Jer. I step outside on the porch to get on our wooden swing to take some air, I would say that it's my favorite spot in the house but there are way too many of those, I avoid some now due to how triggering they can be. As I am about to sit down, I feel my phone vibrating, I'm a little scared to look, I take a deep breath and drop my body on the swing that goes slightly back and forth. A text from Karl pops up on my screen.

- Omw. 

I put the phone down.

"Miaw"

I turn my head to the cat noise and see the cat coming out of my bathroom window completely ignoring the fact that the front door is ajar. She jumps next to me and starts filing her claws on the cushions we are sitting on. I try petting her, but she's more in a playful mood and randomly attacks my hand, she won't let go of it either, I finally find a way out of her grip and I could see all the biting marks she gifted me. I have a full-on conversation with her about why she should stop abusing me, as if she can understand me although part of me definitely feels like she can. 

"Are you talking to your cat?" I hear a voice asking. It's none other than Karl, While he is approaching,  Blondy takes the opportunity to quickly run away from the conversation. He bends slightly to kiss me on the cheek and sits on the chair right in front of me all while laughing. I squint my eyes at him. 

"So your tattoo looking nice, I'm happy I didn't fuck that up!" He says avoiding my look. He actually has one himself, a tattoo needle, it's very beautifully made on his brown skin. He didn't have one when we used to hang with each other. 

"Yeah me too" We chuckle. " I can't believe I used to be so scared by the idea of getting one before."

" Yeah me neither! Why did you not want to get one again?"

"Oh you already don't remember." I say jokingly but I am actually disappointed that he doesn't it's actually one of the deepest conversations we ever had. "It's because I'm insecure about my body..."

He suddenly looks sadder than he already usually does. 

" Ow, I remember. The placement makes more sense now."

We look at each other for a while no words coming out. 

" So I wanted you here because I wrote you a letter that I actually felt a little embarrassed to send I think I would rather read it to you." I break the silence.

He raises his eyebrows a little which indicates his surprise I guess. 

"Go ahead"

"Before we start I got some weed inside, want some?"

"Am I allowed in?" I nod my head surprised that he asked. I was planning on bringing it outside, it's been a while since he entered this house.

I nod my head and we head for my room.

~Karl's POV~

As I enter their house a sense of serenity got over me, I don't know what came over me when I asked if I could enter, I really didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable but I missed that house, I miss how open the space is with this homey feeling and it kinda started to feel like my own house due to how much time I used to spend there, the smell of the incense burning over the scent of leftover home-cooked meals. I especially missed their chimney, it was our favorite place to chill when we weren't in her room. I want to ask her what they cooked today as I used to when we were dating but I can't, I don't feel comfortable doing so yet, we just re started talking and even being inside this house is already us moving fast, but it feels so right being here. We get to her room and she jumps on the bed making herself comfortable. Her room is just as I left it, witchy-like, she has garnet red and black curtains, the incense smell is different but even stronger in her room, If I could I would shower in that scent.  Her bed is my favorite in the whole house not only because of all the memories we made in there but also because of the bed itself, it's round and surrounded by purple curtains and white lights, she only closes the curtains and turns the lights off when she is about to go sleep. She indicates me to sit on the chair at her work desk. That made me feel some type of way I'm not gonna lie, embarrassed, I never sit on that chair, It makes me feel like a stranger in my own home and it's not even my home. The forbidden pink chair. I sit down without saying anything I don't feel like I'm allowed to anyways. Sitting in that chair and looking at her on the bed, I actually feel very comfortable, in place even, and it occurs to me that this homey feeling is just not the house, it's her!