A Kyman Story

Chapter 1

The bell rang for lunch, and I went to my regular table with Stan, Wendy, Kenny, and Cartman. Everyone was already sitting by the time I got there.

"Dude, where were you this weekend? I thought you were going to come to my party." Stan said

"I was. My mom said I couldn't go anywhere because I got a bad grade 6 months ago." I replied

"You've never had a bad grade in your life Jew; I'd kill for your grades," Cartman said

"Well, apparently, a 96 means I'm not trying hard enough and warrants a never-ending grounding and no social life."

"What the fuck, Kyle? Is your mom psychotic?" Wendy asked

"No, I met a couple of psychotic people in the psych ward, and they were more chill than the bitch that is Kyle's mom," Cartman replied

"Cartman, don't call my mom a bitch!" I shouted

"Well, she is one; she's always hated me too."

"Yeah, 'cause you used to rip on me for being Jewish."

"Okay, Cartman does have a point, though, kyle. Your mom is kinda a bitch." Stan interjected.

"I know, but I have a plan to get back at her."

"Really? You, the goody two shoes, is going to stand up to your mom?" Cartman asked

"Well, I was hoping you'd help me, Cartman."

"Oh hell yes, I'd love to stick it to that bitch"

"Cartman, I said don't call my mom a bitch!"

"Fine, fine, just tell me the plan, Jew."

"Okay, but hear me out before you say anything."

"Okay," everyone said

"Okay, so we all know my mom is homophobic, so I thought I would bring my boyfriend for my family reunion this weekend."

"You don't have a boyfriend," Kenny mumbled.

"Thank you, Kenny, for pointing out the obvious. That's where fatass over here comes in."

"Me??? Date you??? That's rich," Cartman laughed.

"Come on, Cartman, my mom hates you; if she thought I was dating you, I'd be ungrounded so fast, she'd want me to hang out with literally anyone else."

"Does she hate me because I tried to become the new Hitler that one time?"

"Dude, now is not the time to bring that up," Stan said.

"It is a perfect plan, though," Wendy mentioned, "I can't believe I didn't think of it."

"Fine, Kahl, I'll pretend to date you."

"I'll do anything, Cartman; wait, just like that? You don't want anything?"

"Nah, the look on that bitches face will be plenty."

"At least promise you won't call her a bitch to her face," I asked

"I promise I won't call her a bitch unless she calls me a slur."

"God, it won't come to that, will it?" Stan asked

"I doubt it, she might have a heart attack, though, but she's busy all morning tomorrow setting up, so I'll be able to show up when it starts and introduce my boyfriend."

"I guess we better get started on our epic love story Kahl."

"Don't make me regret this fatass."

"Whatever, Jew"

"Look, you already got the playful bickering down" Kenny laughed

"Shut up, Kenny; no one asked you," Cartman shouted

"Come on, Cartman, we gotta make our relationship look believable."

"Fine, fine, but if anyone asks, I asked you out, got it, Jew?"

"Okay? But what does that matter?"

"Kahl Kahl Kahl, you poor dumb Jew, I don't want anyone thinking I'm a pussy, so I asked you out, and because you can't resist my hot ass self, you gratefully accepted."

"Whatever you say, Cartman."

"Well, how are we gonna plan this? I can't go anywhere, and no one can come over?" I asked

The bell rang, and everyone else started heading toward their class.

"I'll be over tonight at 9:45; right after your mom goes to bed, I'll climb through your window again."

"Again?"

"Yeah, Jew, I used to sneak in your window all the time when we were younger."

"I had almost forgotten about that fatass."

"Whatever, the look on that bitches face will be worth pretending to date you."

"Fine fatass, I'll see you later."

"Count on it, Jew."