on deck; a. judge

16.

[a]

I think I can finally start admitting to myself that I was developing feelings for Ellie. As much as I wanted to deny it, it definitely made itself more prominent. I didn't want to show them around her, I honestly was just afraid of letting myself fall in love again.

Ever since Laci, I didn't know if I could trust myself in another relationship. I was scared of hurting myself, I was scared of hurting the girl I would fall for. In this case, it's Ellie and I didn't want to hurt her.

I already fucked up things between her and Garrett, who says I wouldn't fuck it up between us? That's why I brought girls home, fucked them, and then said goodbye. I wouldn't have to remember their names or anything and I felt no romantic connection towards them. It was all about making myself feel better, since I was on this belief that I didn't want to tie myself down to one person.

But I felt like things were different with Ellie. I knew at first she wanted nothing to do with me, and I knew my asshole side was showing nearly all the time. She's a beautiful girl, and I came on too strong but somehow, she stuck by me. She's still living with me, I hadn't pushed her away. I was falling hard.

===

I sat in the kitchen in the morning as I had a 1:10 game. I knew Ellie would be coming, but things were a little awkward from our weird dinner conversation the other night. She hadn't really brought up the subject since then and I don't blame her. I kind of just blurted out whatever was on my mind. I just didn't want to scare her away from catching feelings for me.

I see her walk in the kitchen wearing a skirt and a blouse; She looked absolutely stunning. I loved the professional get-up on her.

"Good morning." She said as she started her coffee, "Excited for your game?"

I nodded at her, taking a sip of my coffee that I had made earlier. "Yeah, it'll be fun playing the Red Sox. Your team! You better be cheering for the Yankees." I tell her as she smiles at me, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Oh, I don't know.." She laughed. "I have to do some interviews with both teams, so it'll be all about who impresses me more. But you know I'm faithful towards my Red Sox, I don't know if the Yankees are going to be my favorite team today." She says as she sits next to me. I can't help but just give her a quick up and down glance. "Do you want a picture, it'll last longer.." She laughs.

I shake my head. "No, you just look really good, Ell." I compliment her, earning a small little blush on her cheeks. Made me smile knowing I can get her to blush so easily.

"Thank you, Aaron.." She says before taking a drink. "Listen, the other day we were talking about something at dinner and you said something about feelings." Ellie turned and looked at me again. "We don't have to talk about it, it's just something that's been on my mind. What did you mean?"

I took a deep breath, dreading the question. I had to pause and figure out how I wanted to word this with her. I hadn't done this with any girl in a long while. I just exhale deeply and turn to face her.

"If it's not obvious by now, I really like you, Ell." I admit, looking down at my hands, unable to make eye contact with her. "And it's fucking scary to me. I haven't felt like this in a while.."

Ellie furrows her brows at me, tilting my chin up. "Why are you scared?"

"I...I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to hurt you, the last thing I want to do is hurt you."

I can't help but hear my voice tremble up as I tell her that. I was so mad when she first brought Garrett over and she didn't tell me. Opening the door to see some weirdo standing in the frame made me furious, but I had to act like it was totally chill. That's why I brought another girl home, hopefully as a distraction from Ellie.

"I never ever would hurt you, Aaron." She says as she moves closer to me. "The last thing I want to do is hurt you." Her chair is between my legs now and her arms wrap around my neck.

"I know you wouldn't, but what if it just happens? Out of our control?" I ask her, looking down again.

"Hey, look at me.." Her voice is so soft and gentle. She cups my chin again, tilting my head up and our eyes finally meet. "I will never ever hurt you. I'm going to make sure of that."

"But, I.."

"It's not going to happen, A. Trust me on this." She tells me. It's crazy how one girl can do this to me. I've known her less than a year, yet, she reeled me in so quick and I think that's why I was scared of getting hurt.

I take a second to just gaze into her eyes, I knew what she was saying was truthful. I knew she was true on her word and she wasn't going to hurt me. But, there was always that doubt in my mind.

She climbed off her chair, moving it back to where it originally was and stood between my legs. "I have to get going, and you should probably get going too. But, just know that I'm always going to be there for you. No matter what." She tells me before gently kissing me. I can feel my heart race the way it always does when her lips are on mine.

I pull away from the kiss and she smiles at me. As she turns to walk, I grab her by the forearm, turning her around and kissed her again. "I'll see you later..."