The Lies I Never Told You

PROLOGUE

          I wish we could turn back the time in our lives. I would turn it back to before this all started, to before I was lying about what I was thinking and what I was doing. I wouldn't have to be going through this all alone again, because as strong as people say I am, the thought of relapsing keeps me up at night most nights. 

          But we can't. We don't just have a fix for everything in life and as much as I say that everything happens for a reason, I want to know what I have done to be here right now. What have I done to think that I am less worthy of love and care and kindness because of something so stupid like how I look in the mirror?

          Everyone talks about life like it's the best thing to have happened to us, but I don't know what to believe in anymore. People tell me to pray and to love some entity we have named God, but I don't understand how. They say he is good and that he helps everyone and he writes our stories the way that they are meant to be, and yet here I am wondering who would rather have me alive and in such a terrible physical state than to instead have me dead and not suffering?

          For months I asked myself why I or anyone deserved this, and the only answer I seem to find is that no one knows jack shit. We are all walking a path that has no answer for us at the end. We hold this fake hope dear and near only to be completely destroyed when we realize that no one knows how to fix us from ourselves and we might never know.

           This is why I wasn't too surprised when Dr. Robins walked back into her office with a look of disappointment and concern on her face. Sighing as she sat down behind her desk across from me, she looked at me before saying, "Victoria, I need you to be honest with me right now." 

           I had the chance to come clean about everything. To come clean about how much my heart hurt with grief and pain from living my life. I had the chance to tell someone what I was going through so that I could have the help I need. 

But I didn't. 

          Instead, I lied straight through my teeth and put up a face when she began asking about my daily routines and what exactly I had been eating. Of course, she didn't believe me when I said I was doing alright. The test results she had run weeks before told her the story I couldn't let myself admit. 

...I was starving myself to death. And my heart was struggling to keep up.

        As Dr. Robbins proceeded to list off my options, I found myself thinking about the future. Or really, the possibility of there being a lack of one if I didn't tell the truth. I mean this has already pulled me away from my family, but now I am risking losing a future with Nathan. 

          My sweet Nathan. He still believed that I am capable of getting better for good. Of being able to live a happy life alongside him. And yet right now, that life seems further away than it ever has. 

          "Ms. Flores, did you hear me?" I heard Dr. Robins reply, and as she waited for my answer I just knew what I had to do.