Murder Is Scary But Band Members Are Scarier

Before We Left The House

The weirdest day of my life would have to be the day I went to Warped Tour with my kids. The entire day was a wild ride from start to finish. The weirdness began at the moment I woke up.

I had set my alarm for 9:00 a.m., but I was woken up around 8:30 by my oldest son, Oliver, shouting about how some Jacky Vincent was "so fucking sexy." I was actually able to recognize this guy at this point, because for the past week the only thing Oliver would do is talk about Jacky and make me look at pictures of him.

I also learned that Jacky Vincent was in the same band as Ryan Seaman, the guy I saw die and come back to life at the Relapse Symphony concert a few months prior. And all three of my kids just had to meet Falling In Reverse so I would probably have to talk to these weirdos. I was scared.

Since I was scared, I thought if I just stayed in my bed and tried not to think of this Warped Tour, maybe it would go away. But, of course, this strategy never worked. Oliver and Hannah were currently fighting over the bathroom and my youngest son, Jake, was downstairs yelling about breakfast.

"Richard," my wife said, "get your ass out of bed and get these kids out of the house. I need some fucking sleep."

"Yes, dear." I tried to kiss her but she slapped me and told me to fuck off. That was rude. Nobody loves Richard. I might as well just disappear.

I slowly sat up in bed, trying not to make my back hurt more than it already did. I reached for my glasses because I couldn't see a damn thing without them. I didn't make it to my glasses, though, because I fell off the bed. My wife whispered "oh my god," just as Hannah often did when I made a fool of myself. I had to slowly get up, then I put my glasses on, and left the room.

"What was that loud noise, Dad? Did you fall again?" Oliver asked.

"Yes but-"

"Oh my god, you fall all the time."

"Dad fell again?" Jake shouted from downstairs.

"Yes," Oliver shouted back. "Anyway, Dad, can you make Hannah get out of the bathroom? I need to make sure I look hot for my husband."

"Hannah, get out of the bathroom. Your brother needs to look hot for his husband."

"Um, I need to look hot, too." I went back to my room to get some clothes on. I really didn't care about my kids needing to look hot, and they would probably kill me if I accompanied them to Warped Tour in my Homer Simpson pajama pants and my old-ass t-shirt with holes in it that I've had since the '80s.

When I was dressed, I went downstairs to eat breakfast. Hannah was already in the kitchen eating her breakfast. She looked at me. I knew she was going to make a rude comment.

"Dad, you can't wear that to Warped Tour!"

I looked at what she was wearing. She had on her usual thick black eyeliner, a shirt with scary people on it and the words "Motionless In White," and some black shorts. I looked down at my own outfit. I guessed I wouldn't fit in with my pink polo shirt and khaki shorts.

"Alright, I guess I'll put on some black clothes."

I found some black clothes to wear and went back downstairs. Oliver had come down now, and he had on a ripped black tank, ripped black skin-tight jeans, combat boots, and scary make up which consisted of a lot of black eye make up - even more than Hannah's - and black lipstick. I was going to make a comment along the lines of, "I thought you wanted to seduce Jacky, not scare him," but then I realized, since Jacky's band was on Warped Tour, he was probably into scary people.

Hannah, Oliver and I had finished our breakfast, and I assumed Jake had too, but when I asked if everyone was ready to go, Jake revealed that he hadn't actually had breakfast.

"What were you doing all this time, then?"

"Waiting for you to make it..." I get it. My kids just see me as their slave, not their father.

"You are fourteen. You can make your own breakfast." So Jake slowly headed over to the fridge.

"Oh my god, Dad, can you just make it for him? He's going to make us late." I surrendered. I was 150% done with these little shits. They all stared at me as I toasted two frozen waffles for Jake.

Once we sorted out Jake's breakfast situation, we got in the car. Oliver said something about me having to hear his husband's band. He turned the music up really loud, and this music was really bad, so I tried to tune it out. I did hear a part of the song that apologized for fucking all my friends, though.

And the car ride went just like that. Weird music blasting, Oliver talking about how hot Jacky Vincent was, Hannah talking about really loving The Relapse Symphony and Motionless In White, and Jake talking about burning some pedophile named Dahvie Vanity.

The day got a lot more interesting when we got to the venue.