Murder Is Scary But Band Members Are Scarier

The Ride Home

Once we got to the car, all three of the kids and Oliver's new boy toy piled in.

"Oliver, you're going to have to say goodbye to your new friend."

"What?! Why?"

"Because we don't know him."

"Um, I know him!"

Jake chimed in, "Yeah, Dad, they had sex. Can't get any cozier than that."

"Jake, stay out of this. Your friend can't come with us, Oliver."

"Where the hell is he supposed to go then?" Oliver retorted.

"I suppose he'll have to go back to where he came from," I responded, hoping to sweet baby Jesus that Oliver wouldn't tell me that the guy had escaped prison or something. Oliver just scoffed.

"Ugh, Dad, you never let me have any fun!" He turned to his friend. "Out of the car, babe. I'll call you later." He pressed a really gross kiss to the guy's lips then pushed him out of the car. I heard the guy hit the ground, say "ow," then I'm not sure what he did after that. Oliver just stared after him and turned back around to glare at me after I told him to shut the door.

I asked if everyone was ready to go and no one responded so I took that as a yes. I started to pull out of the parking lot but Jake shouted "WAIT" at the top of his lungs which caused me to slam on the brakes. Except I somehow missed the brakes and hit the gas instead. So we sped through the parking lot for a bit and all the kids started screaming at once. I finally got control of myself and the car and asked Jake what he wanted. My question went unnoticed.

"Oh my god, what was that all about?" Hannah shouted, sounding annoyed.

"Yeah, Dad. Did Jake scare you or something?" Oliver asked.

"Well, I should scare you more often 'cause that was fun! Do it again!" Jake demanded.

"No. Everyone, just shut the fuck up. Jake, why did you shout "wait" in the first place?"

"I don't know. You distracted me. OH OH OH. I remember now. I wanted you to stop the car so I could go burn Oliver's friend."

"Um, no!" Oliver shouted.

"Why?"

"Because no!"

"Why because no?"

"Because no!"

I realized this was going to go on for a while and there was really nothing I could do so I drove away. They did shut up for some time, but they started their yelling up again when I noticed a big ass vehicle approaching in the rear view mirror.

"Is that a tour bus?" Hannah asked.

"It looks like one," Oliver replied. "I wonder whose it is."

It switched over to the lane on my right. "Ooh, Dad, let's race it!" Jake yelled right in my damn ear, as Oliver yelled about Falling In Reverse's tour bus.

"Oh my god, it is their tour bus!" Hannah shouted back. They all started shouting shit that I couldn't understand. I hated when they did that, especially when I was driving.

"Dad, slow down," I heard someone say and I did as I was told because I didn't really have a choice to do otherwise. The tour bus caught up to us and I looked over just to see Ronnie Radke's face and a big, blinding white ass both pressed against the window. 

"AAAAAHHHH," I and my three kids all screamed at once.

"THAT IS THE UGLIEST ASS I HAVE EVER SEEN," Oliver shouted and I thought my ear drums would bleed.

"There are two things on the window though," Jake stated. "Which one is the ass?"

"The one with the hair and the eyes and the nose and the mouth," Hannah answered.

"Ah," Jake simply said.

"Kids, is it alright if I speed past these idiots?" I asked and, of course, no one fucking answered me. I sighed and pressed harder on the gas.

"WAAAAIIT!" Hannah screeched.

"Oh goddammit what?" 

"Look!" she said. I looked at the tour bus and this time I saw Jacky's face pressed against the window with a note written in handwriting so shitty I couldn't read it.

"What in the world does that say?" I asked my kids.

"I'm boutta ruin your life in October," Oliver translated for me.

"What does that mean?" Hannah asked. She gasped. "I hope that doesn't mean he has cancer and is going to die."

"NOOOOO MY HUSBAND." Oliver lamented.

"Ooh! Maybe it means I'm going to burn him," Jake suggested. I drowned them out as they discussed the possible meanings of Jacky's ominous message. I was fuck tired and just wanted to get home.

When we finally got home, the kids all jumped out of the car right away and ran inside. I wasn't so fast. Actually I guess I didn't move much at all because all of the sudden it was morning and I was draped across the front seat of the car and the neighbor was staring at me while he mowed his lawn.