Murder Is Scary But Band Members Are Scarier

The Next Morning

I laid in my awkward position in the car for a few minutes. I stared at the ceiling as I thought of the previous day's horrible events. I contemplated just staying right there in the car and rotting away. But then I felt the stupid neighbor's beady little eyes somehow boring into me through the window. I tried to sit up, but doing it once never works for me because my back always hurts. So after three tries, I finally got myself into a sitting position. I looked at my neighbor and he didn't fucking look away. I grabbed the keys and opened the car door. I fell right out with a "smack" as I hit the ground. I still felt those beady eyes on me but I didn't hear the bastard coming to help me up. Whatever.

I slowly stood up. I wobbled a bit as I was dizzy, but I didn't fall over. Ten points to Hufflepuff probably since that's the worst house and I'm Richard so of course I'd be sorted into the worst house.

"Morning, Gary," I greeted my neighbor. He scoffed.

"I'm Will. Gary is my husband."

"Oh. At least I called you one of those names." I smiled at him and headed for my front door.

"Hello?" I called as I went inside. Jake popped up out of nowhere and shouted, "DAD I THOUGHT YOU DIED" right in my face.

"Unfortunately, I didn't," I sighed. Jake looked confused.

"Well, I'm glad you're alive. I need you to make me breakfast." At least I'm good for something.

I went to the kitchen. Oliver and Hannah were sitting at the table with bowls of cereal.

"Wild night last night, dad?" Oliver asked.

"I guess so," I responded. I asked Jake what he wanted for breakfast. He didn't respond, so I asked again. I still didn't get a response so I decided to make him toast since that was easy. I reached for the bread and put some in the toaster. 

"I don't want that," Jake told me.

"Well, what do you want?" I asked and he didn't respond. I was too tired to play his game so I sat down while I waited for the toast. I realized sitting down was a bad idea because I probably wouldn't be able to get up again.

"Did you have fun yesterday?" Hannah asked me.

"Did I seem like I was having fun?"

"No," all three of my kids said at once.

"Good. Because I wasn't."

The toast popped up and Jake screamed. It took me about five years to get out of my chair. Even though it took awhile, the toast was still really hot.

"FUCK," I shouted as I threw the toast at the wall.

"Oh my god," Hannah muttered as Jake and Oliver both laughed. I just grabbed the toast and began to put jam on it. As I did that, the kids talked about their day at Warped Tour and how "fucking awesome" it was. Obviously, "fucking awesome" didn't mean the same thing to me as it did to them.

I finished putting jam on the toast and set it in front of Jake. He ate it even though he said that wasn't what he wanted. I was relieved because I really didn't want to keep making different food items until he was satisfied.

The kids continued to talk about Warped Tour. I thought of my own experience and felt like I was going to die all over again. I was happy for my kids though. Maybe my suffering was worth it. I just hoped I would never have to go through that again.

I know that's only wishful thinking though. I am Richard, therefore bad shit always happens to me.