Loving Your Imperfections

Worried Sick

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Mia

I wasn't sure how long I had been strolling through the streets. So many people were still walking about, making me feel safe.

That's one thing I love about this small town. They make you feel welcome and safe.

It was pretty hot out, and having my Jeans jacket on made me feel hot, so I took it off and continued walking until I heard sirens behind me.

I closed my eyes, sighed, and stopped in my tracks.

"Where you off to, young lady?" Steven's voice asks, taunting in a fake cowboy slur.

"Hi, Steven," I respond, turning and waving weakly at him.

He parks his patrol, tells his partner to wait, and exits the car.

He pulls his belt up as he makes his way toward me. "Mia, what are you doing? you can't be walking around by yourself this late at night." He adds as we both sit on the edge of his patrol car. "Steven, it's barely nine, and it got dark no longer than an hour and a half ago," I say, making him smirk, nodding his head.

"You know what I mean. Bailey called Audrey. She got worried when she couldn't find you at the party. What happened? Why did you leave?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry anyone. I just... I wasn't comfortable at the party. I needed to be alone for a while." I say as I play with a loose string on my jacket,  trying to avoid eye contact with Steven.

He paused for a bit,  looking at me as he studied my every move. "Your dad told us you stopped seeing your therapist a while ago." He says, making me curse inside.

Dad is always so worried about me. I wish he had just lived his life and stopped worrying so much about me. "You know you can come to Audrey or me if you ever want to talk, right? We're here for you, Mia."

"I know... thank you for that, Steven, but I'm fine. Honest." I say, making him pause.

He crosses his hands and legs, taking a deep sigh. He then pulls me in for a side hug and kisses the top of my head. "Mia, I mean it. I've known you since you were a tiny kid. You're like a daughter to me. I just want to make sure you're OK ."

"And I am. I promise." I say, hugging him around his middle and sighing.

"I mean it, kid. I know you still blame yourself for your mom's...." he stops, knowing well that mom's death is a fragile issue for me.

"Oh, my God, Steven... Please don't." I say, undoing my hands from him and looking away.

"Mia, you were only four years old. The car accident was not your fault. It was out of your hands, sweety."

"Steven... ENOUGH. It was my fault; I distracted her. If I hadn't been so stupid...."

"You have to stop blaming yourself, Mia. It wasn't your fault."

"IT WAS! can't you understand? It was my fault. If anything, it should have been me who died that day, not her." my voice quivered as tears began to fall. This day just began to get worse. I knew I shouldn't have gone to that party.

If I had just stayed home, I wouldn't have kissed Nate. I wouldn't be feeling so guilty about kissing him, and now... To top it off, Steven made me remember why I don't deserve to be here. It should be mom in my place, not me.

"NO, IT WASN'T. You were only four, Mia. How could it be your fault? It was hers for driving drunk that day; she's lucky you lived."

"She was not drunk, Steven. How can you say lies about her?"

"Because it's true, Mia. I read her report myself after your dad told us." I felt my head spin. Why was he saying this? Mom never drinks. And she would never drive while intoxicated; she was always so responsible. Dad said so himself.

I shook my head, placing my right hand in a fist over my chest. "No. No, you're... You're lying, Steven. Mom would never." He reached out as I took a step away.

"Mia, I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. You're old enough to know the truth. I'm sorry, sweety."

"No!" my throat ached, and I choked up. My mind began to cloud, and I was hurt and angry. This had to be a sick joke.

Suddenly my vision blurred, my chest began to hurt, and I felt like I was in a tiny room, making me panic. My heart started to pound in my ear, going at a million per second, and my throat felt as if it had begun to shut down, making me feel out of breath.

"Mia, I hate seeing how you blame yourself for this. You need to know the truth and stop blaming yourself. We want the best for you." Steven continued to talk, but my mind stopped processing what he was saying. I kept nodding in disbelief. I turned and began to walk away, faintly hearing him calling for me.

"No," I repeatedly whispered, unable to stop crying, and walked quickly. But the more I walked, the harder it became to breathe. No... Not again. I was getting another panic attack. Damn it! I need to calm down, but I can't.

"It's my fault... It was all my fault." I whispered over and over until someone yanked on my arm, and I heard a car horn going off.

"Mia!"I hear a familiar voice and strong arms holding me steady. I broke down, wrapping my arms around his neck as I let my emotions out.

"It's ok. It's ok, relax. You're ok now. I got you." Nate soothed my back as I cried in his arms like a little kid.

"Everything is going to be ok, Mia. You're okay now. I got you." his voice sounded so calm, and his arms made me feel protected. No one else had ever been able to calm me down like this other than dad. God, I miss him so much right now.

"Look at me, Mia? Are you hurt? Are you ok?" he says, slowly pulling away and lifting my chin with his index. "I'm fine. Just... Don't let go, please? Don't let go." I say through tears.

He sighs, pulling me by my shoulders and embracing me tightly, kissing the top of my head. "Never. I'll never let go, I promise. I'm here for you, Mia. I'll always be here for you." he says, placing his chin on top of my head.

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