my voice

Chapter 4: New Found Love

                   After some time my dad got a girlfriend, I remember when he first mentioned her by saying "I want you guys to meet someone but I don't think I'm ready yet." Honestly she was wonderful, at first it was an adjustment until we got to know her and she got to know us. However she was not the problem, it was my father. We would go to her house on the weekends we were with our dad and that was fine all except for a few things. After the divorce, some time had passed and my father had bought us four wheelers. That was great and everything and he had us load them up for the weekend telling us we could ride over the weekend. Well the weekends always turned into work. Had us up at 8 am or earlier we were never allowed to sleep in. Every weekend were with him we were out splitting and stacking wood until there's basically no more sun. When we would ask to ride he would always tell us "when the work is done" which was never. It was basically taunting for the weekend as he told us we could ride but would never let us, and if he did if you went to fast or drove past the house to many time or even just if he felt you had enough fun which could have been 15 minutes or an hour when he said you were done that was it. We had to sleep on a little foam mat that was about 2 inches thick on the floor in the living room and the draft in the winter time was horrible. We had to share this mat every weekend we were there. My brother had played football and there was times he had games in the area my dads girlfriend was from, however while with my father we were not allowed to look at my mom we weren't allowed to go see or speak to her we weren't even allowed to wave to her without getting a crack to the back of the head if you were caught. My father never attended anything unless it was his weekend to have us. He never showed up any other time because he didn't wanna see my mother. Pretty pathetic if you ask me but that should have been a big sign as to the fact that he didn't even care about us enough to be apart of our lives. I used to hide my cell phone when we were with him and I would have to sneak and talk to my mom because we weren't even allowed to mention her while with him. 

        I use to write in my journal a lot when I was younger until this one time. I was sitting on the couch at my dads I believe it was after school and he ripped it right out of my hands and started to flip through it. Everything he did, he did with every intention to put fear into you. That was the last time I ever journaled. 

       Pryor to his girlfriend selling her house to move in with him there would be weekends that she was down here with us. There was one evening I came home from school and I wasn't feeling well I was running a fever and so I was laying down on the loveseat. He made me get up so she could sit down, so I laid on the floor. I'm literally sick and I got to be laying on the ground to lay down. 

       I remember this one time it was not long after the divorce and forgive me but I have to go back in time for this particular event. I don't exactly remember where we were coming back from but we had outside dogs. We had 3 of them, sugar who was a chow she was the only female. Then we had rock he was a lab and Rottweiler mix. Then we had blaze and he was my favorite he was something like a collie and something else mixed he had loner hair but a slim snout he was so loveable and so sweet. My mom had actually found him at her shop, ( she does hair and owned her own salon for a few years.) So Blaze had gotten off his chain outside and ran away while everyone was away. When we came back he was in the yard waiting. My dad picked him up by the part of the chain that was remaining on his collar threw him over his shoulder like a feed sack. You can hear blaze trying to gasp for air as he's being choked over the shoulder of my father. He throws him off of his shoulder onto the ground and he starts punching and kicking him, keep in mind he has steel tow boots on from work and he is just laying into him. Just beating the life out of him. So of course were crying. After he finishes beating him he turned to us and he said " quit bawling or your next." How in the hell do you expect me to stop bawling after I watched you beat my dog to death. Before we left that night I went up and I sat with him on the ground in the dirt and I cried and cried and just put my arm around him my heart was in so much pain I still couldn't even believe what I had watched. The next day he was gone, he slipped his collar and we never seen him again, and my heart shattered. I knew he ran off to die and that made it even worse that he had to be alone after enduring all that pain. Everything that my father beat on he did with the intent to leave a mark.