my voice

chapter 6: Why

              Regardless of all the hateful things my father did to us, in public I wanted to make like he was the best dad. I feel like some part of me was hoping that he would just see that even after all the stuff that happened, after all the things he said and did to us that he would see that we were good kids. I hoped he would see that we had potential to be greater than life but instead he just treated us like children he never wanted to acknowledge. 

             I remember feeling sick to my stomach when it was time to go to my dads on the weekend because you just never new what was going to happen. Was it going to be a grueling weekend or would it be halfway decent, just good enough to be able to make it through the weekend without crying. 

           I was about 14 when I stopped going over to my fathers for that bullshit every other weekend visit. Listening to him comment on my weight, always talking about my mother, beating on us, speaking to us like we were no good, I just couldn't take it anymore. I remember the entire night. I was in my light pink sweat shirt and light blue jeans. I was crying walking to my moms car,  because unfortunately we had to get off the school bus at my dads since my mom didn't get off work in time to get us. 

          I remember getting in the car crying telling her I was never going back there and she couldn't make me. I've never had someone hurt my feelings so bad or so many times and just not even care about it. For it to come from someone who I had so much love for made me feel like I had a knife put through my heart. How do you even describe a pain like that other that to say " it feels like when my heart beats it just pumps the pain throughout my body" I get a burning inside my chest and it feels like when I breathe I cant get enough air.

        Much to my surprise my mother never made us go back after that night. She didn't fight us about it, didn't give that " Its your dad you need to go" line that she was always famous for. I could never understand how you could reason with your child while they are crying begging not to go back how you can just drop them off with your last words being its your dad. 

        The first weekend that came where we were supposed to go to our dads and we didn't have to, was such a relief and honestly a little bit exciting. the weekends came and went and at first it was nice I loved it I never had to see his face, listen to his nasty comments, or get beat for whatever he decided was good that day. He never tried to contact us. He never tried to see us or apologize for any of the things that he had done that caused us to stop going. In his eyes he didn't do a single thing wrong. He would say " we needed to be punished." I cant tell you how many times he would say how our mother gave us no rules and that's why we wanted to go there. He just insulted us like it was no big deal.

        After awhile though it started to hurt and I started to wonder why he didn't even give a fuck about us. Why didn't he want to know how we were doing. We would pass him going somewhere with my mom he'd be in his truck, there wouldn't be no wave no acknowledgement of any sort from him. then here and there I'd hear stories that came through the grape vine so to speak about how he would buy this and that spend money here and there but could never get us Christmas presents or birthday presents, didn't even send a card. 

        So about 4 years pass by and its my senior year now. I'm gonna graduate this year and I start thinking about how everyone is going to have their mother and father at graduation and I'm gonna have one parent. I start thinking like ok what should I do? Time goes by and its getting closer to graduation and I know I'm gonna have to apologize to this man so that he will attend my graduation. I cant remember everything word for word but I did end up sending him a lengthy text apologizing and asking him to please come to my graduation that we could put our differences aside.

      I was thankful that he responded accepting my apology (though I had nothing to apologize for I knew he'd never take the responsibility) and he said he would come to graduation, so I felt relieved for that.

      He stood all the way in the back of the auditorium by the doors. I walked across the stage and when I turned I seen everyone except him, he had already left. He didn't stay for any pictures with me, didn't tell me congratulations I'm proud of you, happy for you, nothing. One of my greatest memories is having my grandparents there for me. I was able to get pictures with my mom and some other family members and my grandparents before they passed away.

     I thought I had smoothed over the issues with my dad and we could start over and I could really be a daughter he was proud to have. Little did I know I was only creating a pathway for him to cause more pain....