my voice

Chapter 11: It's about me

        So, like I had said previously I wasn't really seeing my dad too much at this current time due to his own situations he had going on. Not long after the passing of my grandparents, I had broken up with my current boyfriend, we had been together since since January of '15. He had cheated on me for the third time, and I just couldn't take anymore.

       I had sent a message out to a couple of my friends, and I told them what was going on and that I needed to get out of the house. I told everyone I would text them after he left for work and to come right then. 

       I heard his alarm going off for work, so I woke up, but I just continued to act like I was still asleep. I heard him go out the door and the door shut behind him. I had waited a few minutes before I actually got out of the bed. I went outside to make sure he was gone and the minute I seen his vehicle was not there I had sent the text to everyone.

       I started getting boxes around and I just started packing immeditely, as people got there I just had them loading what I had already packed into their cars. I took everything in that house that my money paid for. Food that was in the fridge and the freezer, cleaning supplies, laundry detergent and dryer sheets. The way I seen it was like if you could cheat on me three times then you obviously didn't need me and the things I brought to this house. 

       I officially left and was out of the house somewhere around august of '17, five months before our 3 year anniversary. We moved everything in about 2 hours back to my moms house. I never told him I was leaving so when he came home he came home to an empty house, quite literally. He was calling me blowing up my phone wanting to know where I was, even had his mom calling my phone.

      I had started seeing someone new in October of '17. For a little while I would go spend the weekends at his place which was only about an hour from me. A couple months into our relationship my dad had asked if I wanted to move into my grandparents house, of course naturally I said yes, I asked if Jesse could move in with me? That was agreed upon and accepted.

     We moved in, in around may of '18. We had to pay a little bit of rent maintain everything else like mowing the grass, putting fuel in the tank in the winter for heat, and make some small improvements to the house like painting the walls and just cleaning up a bit. 

     My grandparents were huge hoarders and it took us forever to clean the house out. Obviously eventually we got it cleaned out enough to be able to move our things in and then continue to clean up things through out our time being there.  Everything was going well but, one day things changed

      The person I had moved into my house turned into the person I spent more time fighting with. One night we had a huge argument and it ended at like 3 in the morning when he then gave me a ring and proposed to me where I still had tears in my eyes from our fight. Like an idiot though I said yes. I text everyone with a picture of the ring, I uploaded it to social media and it was like it fixed all the problems for a small amount of time.

      A few months from then we were fighting again, late at night. He slammed my bathroom door shut so hard wood from the door frame flew off and I started to loose it. "Don't slam MY fucking door this shit belonged to my fucking grandparents not you!!!!" I started screaming because that set me over the edge, you aren't gonna ruin things that belonged to my grandparents. 

      I said something to him I don't remember what it was but he came charging out of the bathroom straight for me. He put his hands around my throat and was squeezing, screaming in my face. I couldn't breath I was in shock I couldn't even comprehend what was going on. I had never been violently choked in my life.

      When he let me go I still couldn't believe what was going on. I stood there for a second and the tears began to fill in my eyes. I started grabbing clothes and throwing them in a bag. I went to my car and I went to get in and he was coming straight towards me. I hurried up and shut my door. He grabbed onto my roof rack and had his feet on my step boards hanging onto my vehicle while I'm driving. He finally gets off the car, I drive to the end of the driveway I text my brother, he tells me he doesn't want involved. 

      I'm sitting in my car like wtf do I do. So I go back inside and I just went to bed. Things were a bit rocky for awhile after that.

      Some time had passed and things were going ok. We were over at my dads because believe it or not he was a decent human for a little bit of time and we had went over a couple times a month. One night they're outside smoking, and my dad came in talking about how he needs some tums and he has heartburn. He takes the tums and goes back to bed and lays down, we went back to check on him, and he was cold to touch, and my father is NEVER cold.

     He had an automatic blood pressure cuff at the house that his new current girlfriend had gotten him ( I'll get into that next). So we put it on him, and it's reading like 183 over 11,  and I was a bit concerned after that. S,  of course,  he refused to go get check out naturally. So hwentes to work the next day, and they were doing this little weight loss challenge at work and when they came to weigh in they also had someone there to do their vitals.

     His blood pressure was so high they sent him right from work to urgent care and when he got to urgent care they told him his pressure was to high for them to treat and they sent him to the emergency room. I don't remember who but someone contacted me and my brother so we went to the hospital. When we got there they had him on an IV and said his troponin level was at .7 and its supposed to be like .1. Clearly stating that he had had a heart attack and they said the cigarette is probably what brought it on. In my head I'm like I watched my father have a heart attack last night!!

     They wanna send him by ambulance up the road to a hospital in Harrisburg and he's talking about he doesn't want to go and what if he just goes home anyway. The Dr. is telling him if he did that he would be going against medical advice and of course he's telling them that he doesn't care. I'm sitting there like I have a wedding coming up and you need to be there for it if you go home you're gonna die. 

      Eventually after some time he finally decides to go to the next hospital. We all went home let everyone's dogs out got back in the car and I drove us up to Harrisburg to make sure he got in his room and situated. We got there somewhere around midnight just to be there for like 15 minutes and have to drive an hour and a half back home. 

       Of course they did a full work up on him and found out that his bottom artery had a 90% blockage in it and they needed to go in and put a stint in. I spent the entire week driving back and fourth to visit him. An hour and a half to get there and then an hour and a half back home. The day of his surgery I showed up to see him before surgery and I waited in the waiting room the entire time until he was finished. 

       Myself and his girlfriend waited in the waiting room for what felt like forever and then we started to get worried. They finally came out and let us know he was out of surgery and he was back in his room. So of course we shoot back up to his room and he starts telling us about how they tried to use his radial artery but couldn't get in so then they had to go in his leg and use his femoral artery which is probably why it took the extra time. 

       I believe he stayed one more night after that and then went home the next day. Of course I was there the day he came home. I even rearranged his furniture and took one of the remote control chairs that was at my house left from my grandparents and brought it to his house and had it all set up for him. I was there when he walked through his own front door from the hospital but yet he could never be there for me. 

       Even though Jesse had been great during the entire process, after a few weeks of my dad being home and everyone getting back to normal days, I just knew it wasn't working. We were fighting way to much again and i couldnt do it any longer. I thanked him for all the help during my dad's hospital stay, and helping with the dogs. It just felt like there was no longer a reason as to why we were together, and I didn't want a relationship out of convenience or comfort. We parted ways because it was the healthiest choice for the both of us rather than falling into toxic habits.