YOU. | { w.soot }

Wilbur

Dear, Wilbur

Wilbur, I want you to know that when your reading this I'll be in the afterlife.

I wanted to apologize for everything I ever put you through, I hope you move on and have babies of your own one day.

I'm sorry I was so callow, you always had to teach me things - and I just hurt you in return.

I know you always liked to say when I was depressed that I danced, when I would take one to many of my pills and get hazy. Passing out in your arms.

I think you were the only reason I stayed alive for so long. I was always at the edge but you would pull me away, I hated it.

I want you to know that I now feel free.

I also wanted to say sorry for being so genial to everyone but you, I'm a real jerk.

I want you to try and say hello to as many people as you can, and maybe some girls? You always did struggle to talk to them.

I remember when you told me I was inspiring, I want you to know I'm so happy for you. Doing that streaming thing? I love that you now inspire people.

I know I was jaded, and I'm sorry for that. It was my depression and the voices in my head telling me I didn't deserve to be happy.

I'll miss when you'd kiss behind my ear, I hope you don't miss the kisses I'd leave on your jaw.

You made me feel loved when no one else did, everyone hated me. My own family hated me, all those boyfriends I told you about? They left because of my schizophrenia - but you always stayed and I found it strange, that's why I never said I love you.

I was misleading you thought you were getting into a normal relationship but you were kissing a freak. I was insane, but you stayed.

And I know that by the time your reading this I'll be nonexistent.

Also, I know I ostracized you. You did it to me but I really deserved it, Wilbur I manipulated you. Have you found that out yet? That I just used you?

We'll both remember how I'd call you pathetic and that is one of the worst mistakes of my life. Believe me you are not.

Oh, and I know I was queer the mumbling in the corner was because one of the voices kept shouting at me and telling me to kill myself.

The thing I regret most is when I reviled you, no one deserves to be beat. I am so sorry for all those years.

I want you to keep smiling because I loved when you smiled.

I know I was toxic, I think you knew too. Why did you stay? Was it because I kissed your jaw right when you were about to leave? Yeah, I'm a bitch.

Not to mention how uncaring I was, I wished I could hug you when you cried but the voices yelled and screamed, telling me not to comfort you.

When I'd vilify you, even my father knew you weren't to blame. It was me.

I want you to keep that mirror in the bathroom alright? I know it's not a window, also maybe move out of that flat. Bad memories.

And when I told you I was xenacious I tried to change, I really really did. I just couldn't, that's one of the reasons I left.

I'm saying it now, Wilbur I love you. Read this letter if you're ever in need of love.

Finally, I have no fucking idea what starts with Z. Zebra?

So my final message to you.

I'm sorry.

Don't Love, Wren

P.S: use that dictionary to understand these words, will you?