America: 50☆Stars (Vol. 4)

Episode 8: Ian my Dick

September is the most popular month for both newborns and new storms.

In that regard, Earl is nothing short of surprising. He arrives out of the warm Atlantic womb as the fifth storm of the 2022 hurricane season. Like his predecessors of past years, the baleful boy is expected to turn into a big powerful force of nature capable of causing Category 4 chaos. However, at the moment, Earl is a tropical storm in earnest need of strength and experience. Lucky for him, he's on the right path to getting more powerful in a popular destination for all potentially destructive hurricanes.

"Where else do I wanna test my might?" Earl wanders along the rim of the Caribbean with heavy rain clouds swirling around him. From the left peripheral of his eyes, he spots an island much larger than the ones that make up the Northern Leeward Islands.

"¡Finalmente! I finally fixed the roof of my house!" Puerto Rico wipes away sweat from his forehead, smiling proudly for accomplishing a task that has taken him a lot longer than normal to fix. "Of course," he concedes with a tired chuckle, "there's still a lot of things damaged by Hurricane Maria in need of repair. I also can't forget about my enormous debt and the eternal existential nightmare of being a forgotten territory. B-But for today, I'm going to treat myself to a piña colada and pretend everything is fine in the world!" He breaks into laughter until the skies above his home darken and start drenching him with rain. Without warning, a bolt of lightning strikes a nearby palm tree, deafening his ears and scaring the caca out of him. "¡Dios mío (Oh God)! Holy shit! I'm too beautiful to die today!" He hurries down the ladder, seeking safety underneath the newly constructed roof of his house.

"How did he escape that?" Earl blinks his eyes twice, gawking at his unscathed target for escaping from his tropical thunderstorm. "N-No matter. I can hit him again." He shakes off his nerves and gathers electrons from the stormy atmosphere to summon another lightning bolt in his hands. His evil intention is to strike the island again when instead he's suddenly struck by a coughing fit. The bewildered storm loses his balance and his bolt, unable to apprehend the sudden weakening of his windpipes. "Cough! Cough! What is wrong with me? Why do I feel out of breath? I've only hit a few islands."

"Sounds like you're suffering from dry air entrainment." A smug young girl personifying another tropical storm shows up beside him, amused to see her counterpart struggle to maintain himself in the area's moderately dry airflow.

"How come you're not affected?" Earl questions with an annoyed glare.

She giggles, "I'm not affected because I'm Fiona!" She gives a wink and a twirl. "No way I'm letting some dry air slow me down and stress me out. It won't stop me from becoming big and strong. Just watch. I'll show you what it takes to become a hurricane." The tropical storm flies on over to the Isle of Enchantment, making a mischievous smile that strikes fear into the eyes of mortals who are taken back by her 85 mph (140 km/h) winds. Consequently, her presence causes widespread power outages, leaving Puerto Rico in the darkness of torrential rain.

"Oh Dios mío..." Puerto Rico holds his breath, sitting on a plastic-covered couch with a flashlight clasped tightly in his hands. "No need to panic yet. This isn't a major hurricane, so I should be fine—"

"YIPPEE-KI-YAY!" A preteen girl crashes through his roof, immediately flooding his living room upon landing near him. "Look at me! I'm officially a Category 1 hurricane!" Fiona whirls around happily, showing off her recent growth.

"Nooooo! Not again! I just fixed my roof!" Puerto Rico wails.

While Fiona is having fun terrorizing the Caribbean, Earl watches her enviously from the sidelines, unable to push through the westerly wind shear and overcome his asthma-like affliction associated with the dry atmosphere. "No fair. I was here first." He pouts, wiping frustrated tears from his eyes.