Man at Arms

Chapter Seven: Assault in Monterosso

CHAPTER SEVEN

Gusto kong umiyak.

Gusto kong manapak.

Ang pagsisisi ay sadyang dumadating talaga kapag nakagawa ka na nang isang bagay na hindi mo na maaatrasan. Para siyang krimen, kaya mong pagtakpan pero hindi mo kailanman matatakasan hangga't hindi ka sumusuko.

I remember when I was eighteen. I was blindly in love with the hot guy at my school, Anslim, varsity, and Earl. I have always known his reputation as a playboy, yet I still secretly date him. Ariadne warned me about him. Betty told me she sensed evil around him. Deimos could smell rotten fish all around him.

But I turned deaf. When Anslim told me he loved me and kissed me in the basement of his daddy's house where he and his friends snuffed crack, I fucking lost it. The guy could French kiss!

I lost my virginity to him. And I fucking regret it. Turned out he had a bet with his friends for my virginity. I was so devastated. Hindi ako makaharap nang maayos kay Betty dahil tinalikuran ko ang mga salita niya tungkol sa puri. I was so disgusted with myself that I always climbed Mount Olympus to pray for the gods and goddesses to curse Anslim. Wala akong nahintay na resulta, nabagot ako kaya ako na ang gumawa ng action. Sa galit ko hindi na muling tumayo ang ari niya. Hanggang ngayon.

Pinikit ko ang mga mata at hinayaan ang malamyos na boses ni Betty na parang musika sa isipan ko. I remembered our daily routine, me sitting on my purple chair as she towered over me with a Bible, reading the passage about purity and virginity.

"You look better if you open your beautiful eyes, Bambina."

Also, scriptures about stupidity.

I breathe in and out slowly, that's right, just breathe, Circe. Feel the cool wind of Vernazza...

"What is she doing, Nazi? Someone bloody tells me what she's doing!"

"She's fostering peace and mental relaxation, Sire. It's some yoga technique."

"How did you bloody know that?"

"Corazon does it when she's so close to chopping my head off."

"Are you saying she's close to chopping your head off?"

"Not me, Sire. You."

I could feel a bubble of peace rising from my feet, warm but cool like a morning breeze.

Pero agad din itong nabasag nang may yumugyog sa magkabilang balikat ko.

"Wake up, Bambina!"

"Ano ba?!"

Dumilat ako at tinignan nang masama ang gago na nasa harapan ko. Calix looked alarmed.

"Nazi said you wanted to chop off my head!"

Lumingon ako kay Nazi. Gabing-gabi na pero pulido pa rin ang three-piece suit na suot na tila lagi siyang ready sa Oscar red carpet. Ngumiwi siya sa akin at binalik ko naman ang tingin kay Calix na hindi ko maintindihan kung nagtatampo o galit. Basta mukha siyang pato.

"I want to do more than that!" asik ko sa mukha niya. Tinanggal ko ang mga kamay niya sa balikat ko bago humalukipkip. Ang gago hindi man lang sinimplehan ang pagsilip sa mga dibdib kong naipit sa mga braso at talagang naglaway pa.

It was a mistake to go to that facility and ask him for a favor. Kung anong katarantaduhan ba naman ang pumasok sa isipan ko. Alam ko lang helpless ako nang oras na iyon. I made phone calls all day, digging for information about my real family, but I came up empty-handed. Idagdag pa na panay ang silip ni Betty ng mukha niya sa t'wing naiisipan kong sumuko nalang. That bitch was dead and still haunts me like a rabid witch.