Admit It

5; romance novel

"Camila!" Mama screamed as she stormed after her daughter. "How dare you go out without my permission?! You had me scared to death! For all I knew you could've been kidnapped! And then you come back and you don't even tell me anything? My mother would've never allowed me to disrespect her like this! You kids all think you're so much better than us, don't you? We're all old-fashioned and mean in your eyes, so obviously you don't have to follow any rules! You are embarrassing!" 

Camila shut the door without a single reaction. When she was little and Mama screamed at her like that, she would cry and cry for hours until Mama knocked on her door and 'apologized' by taking her out to get ice cream. Every time she would tell Camila she was just stressed and tired after a long work day and it would never happen again, but then it would. The lengths she'd gone, the spills she'd cleaned, the false blame she'd taken to make sure that her brother never went through the same thing. 

Nowadays, these types of things happened often. The apology ice cream had been dropped years ago, but now the screams had no effect on her. They were white noise, as insignificant as the buzz of the phone the first several times Mama tried to call her this evening. 

Camila reached into her luggage, the wheel damaged from being wrestled through the door of their old home as Camila tried to hold on to the last fragments of her memories, and pulled out the stack of books she was reading. The amount of books she had been reading at once must've been unhealthy, but it was easy for her to pick the one with the typewriter font and ink-stained spine- it was a romance that gave her nearly as many butterflies as Shawn did when he brushed his soft lips against the skin of her hand. 

That boy. He'd sulked out of the corner and struck her deepest nerve with that stare of absolute intensity, every inch of skin lighting up with pinpricks of hot fire. And when he touched her, it was like she was the most delicate thing he'd seen. It wasn't pitying or degrading like others made it seem like it would be, it was with gentleness and kindness, the light trace of his fingertips like a summer evening raindrop falling down her cheek.

When he held her hand, he cradled it. He wrapped his long, callused fingers around the base of her palm to ensure he didn't drop it, and it made Camila's eyes begin seeing everything in some sort of golden filter.

She brushed her fingers across the first lines of the chapter she stopped reading on. He was cold and cruel, wearing a suit of armor built out of all the trauma that weighed on his shoulders, until he met a girl just as horrible as him. They grew close covering each other's paint tracks, and the nights of hiding crimes turned into nights slept twisted in bedsheets real quick.

The tattoo of the swallow on Shawn's hand, the ear piercings, the black jeans so tight it seemed no wonder he walked so slow towards her, but most of all the looks so entrancing he could have anyone he wanted falling at his feet reminded Camila too much of those darkly dressed boys that haunted her worst imagination, but he held her hand like her heart so carefully in his own, inked one. Sailors would get that tattoo. To remind them of home. He wasn't 'cold' or 'scary' like everyone seemed to crave so deeply. He was gorgeous, and gentle. 

Camila shook her head a little. She shouldn't be thinking of someone she'd only met hours prior like it was an old-fashioned love story. But she couldn't help but think of him as a love story. 

She tiptoed to pull open the heavy, coffee-stained curtain and lift the small window to let in the sounds of the city. She sat with her back against the wall, head under the window, and set down her book, knowing that those evening hours she'd spent with Shawn were so much more romantic than any bad boy of a fantasy. 

 ✧✦✧ 

"How do you like it?" Shawn asked, the hint of loud laughter dripping over his words. He had taken out both of his piercings to put in her gold heart ones, which looked extra silly compared to the 'rockstar' type silver mini hoops in his other ear. Camila giggled, for the second time that evening. And even though it wasn't a word, it was the first sound she'd made in months. 

'It's a look,' she replied. 'You look badass.' 

"Right?" he said sarcastically. "I got a tattoo, it wasn't enough. I got another, it wasn't enough. I wore black and silver earrings, still not enough. Look at me now!" 

Camila pouted slightly. 'It's still unfair that you have cooler piercings than me.'

"It is definitely fair because this shit hurt like fucking hell and took a year to heal. You want the earring, you face the consequences." 

'You also have tattoos!' 

Shawn raised an eyebrow at her, flipping her hand over in his again and again. "Why, you want one?" 

'My mom would cut my arm off herself if she ever found out I got a tattoo. She's a great role model, you know?' 

Instantly, he threw his head back and laughed loudly, fingers letting Camila's slip for a moment, as she covered her mouth to stop herself from laughing with him. Her face fell behind the disguise of her hand. Sometimes, she wanted to be her old self again, riding around grocery store parking lots in shopping carts and making giant ice cream sandwiches at 2 am, but things were more complicated than the 'open your mouth and talk' idea she'd been subjected to one too many times. Shawn was the first person she'd met in so long that treated her normally. She cut off all her friends after the incident- all of them wanted the old her back, even when she wasn't ready- and her dad, brother, and mom were all either gone or treated her like a burden instead of a daughter. Shawn didn't have any idea of what an 'old her' might look like, and he didn't question this 'new her' either. He didn't talk to her as a mute girl, he talked to her like a normal boy talking to a normal girl. 

"What do you like to do, Camila?" he asked. He leaned back over the desk and drew his eyes from her right eye, to her left eye, to resting on her pink, parted lips.

She opened his Notes app instinctively, before her thumbs stopped over the keyboard.

'I read a lot, I stopped playing guitar a while ago too.' She hesitated. 'I used to sing.'

Her bottom lip began to quiver like his face in front of her as her eyes filled with tears, and she pulled her lip between her teeth to hide it. The thought of singing now was so distant, so pulling, but she knew she couldn't force herself to make a sound like that if she tried.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Shawn whispered immediately, grabbing onto both of Camila's hands and rubbing his thumbs in circles into her skin. He watched her as she squeezed her eyes shut, a single tear slipping down her precious face.

"You know," he started while bringing his hand up to cradle her face. "I bet, if you ever decided to start singing again, it would be amazing. Okay?" Camila sniffled and managed a small smile as he brought his lips to gently brush her forehead, silently wiping her tear with his thumb and squeezing her hand.

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here comes the best month of the whole fucking year bc lyle lyle crocodile and midnights are coming out, it's my mom's, my best friend's, and my birthday, and it's spooky season 🎃 happy october

october 1, 2022