Admit It

3; dark silhouette

Camila let out a deep breath as she let the car to a slow stop, listening as the huffs of effort from the worn vehicle slowly died out. Normally, she didn't like to drive, but the empty, white walls of the new apartment made her feel like her head was about to burst open.

She decided if she was going to drive somewhere, it better be somewhere she knew she could spend a lot of time at without looking suspicious or drawing attention, because she wasn't planning to go back to that apartment until Mama began screaming over the phone for her to. So she drove herself to a mildly busy street with lots of shops she could weave in and out of, next to a library, where she'd be spending her evening.

A group of skimpily dressed girls shoved Camila's back into the side view mirror. They swung their bags like mini swingsets and strutted like a cat walking on a balance beam, their confidence showing through their loud laughter and exaggerated hand gestures. Camila's upper lip curled at the sight of them, but she couldn't help the longing feeling to be one of them again. It was so easy to be like that. But so, so dangerous.

She pushed her way past the students and glanced into the nearest shop window, finding it was filled to the brim with a team of soccer players who crumpled paper balls to kick as if there weren't hundreds on the floor. The next store over was where the group of girls had headed, and the next was a small café with too many kissing couples for her to dare to walk inside. Her teeth began to chew on her bottom lip as she opened the car door again and grabbed her earbuds.

She walked up the stairs and through the front doors of the building. Earlier that day, she had sent an email to register for a library card, and showed it to the old lady who worked there. She let her through without a second glance.

It's so dark in here, Camila thought, listening carefully as her feet steadily tapped on the hardwood floors. Even her thoughts seemed to echo off the high, sloped ceilings, falling through unlit passageways and drifting away.

Feeling around the walls with her fingers, she flicked on one of the light switches and looked through each of the barely lit hallways for a figure to avoid, a person to dodge. Each of them looked equally desolate, like a soul hadn't turned a page here for years.

She took the hallway to the left of her; the floor looked like it hadn't been stepped on in its life, like a mirror underneath her. She followed the hallway into a large room, lined with rows of shelves, and sat down at one of the desks.

She glanced over her shoulder. It felt like someone was staring at her.

Shaking her head of the thoughts and standing up was all she did, but the weight of a stare on her body never left.

Something moved in the corner of her eye. At first, it almost looked like no one was there, but the shadow of his shifting arm was enough to draw her eyes to him. Her body froze.

He was tall, lean, dressed in tight jeans that hugged his long legs and a dark sweatshirt that hid his body in the shadows of the darkened corner. His cheekbones were high and his lips full. The pale, creamy color to his skin stood out against the dark curls on his head, and his eyes- dark, dark brown- stared straight into hers.

The books on the shelf behind her shook. Her hands had jerked to grab onto it for support- her knees felt like giving out.

Slowly, he moved towards her, his steps silent and his expression inquisitive. His left thumb was hooked in the belt loop of his jeans and his other hand was in his pocket. Her heart raced. It had been months since she'd been attracted to anyone like this, but the unwavering look in those dark brown irises made a heat rise somewhere in her chest, like a series of sparks coming off a fire.

It didn't matter if she was attracted to someone, she knew. They wouldn't be attracted to her, because she gave them no reason to. Still, her eyes seemed glued to his, struck by an electrical force that pulled their gazes together like the only true gravity was hidden somewhere in between their bodies.

His movement stopped and Camila's breaths stopped coming. Her mouth fell open, as if anything could have come out of there, and her eyes followed his as he studied her. The weight of his gaze traveled up and down her body, like fingertips tracing her skin with knife-like precision, carefully under her cheekbone, her arm, the place where her loose hair fell across her neck.

She closed her eyes as the tip of his calloused finger tucked her grown out bangs behind her ear. Warmth from his hand moved down the side of her neck, down her arm, and held the back of her hand in his palm. She took in a sudden breath, smelling scents of fresh laundry and cologne.

"I'm Shawn," he whispered. He stared down at her hand against his and let out a long breath, which came out shaky on her neck. "I'm sorry. I just looked at you and felt something."

She flinched as the words left his mouth, trying not to let the tears reach her eyes as she sank in hopelessness. She rubbed her throat with the hand he wasn't holding to soothe the feeling of a hot ball lodging in her throat.

"What's your name?" Shawn asked, tilting her hand to run his fingers up and down each of hers.

Her hand began trembling in his. He let go.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" he asked, concern lacing his voice like he hadn't only known her for a couple of seconds. He stared at her mouth, but not in the wanting way that boys in movies always stared- dreaming of kissing those lips and whatnot. He was waiting for her to reply.

She bit her lip to hide how hard it was quivering. Somewhere, inside of her, she wanted to reply. But there was something in her mind that always made her mouth close as soon as it tried to open, like a mental block that had been building and building for months until it was too high to even dream of what the other side looked like. After all, the last time she flirted with a boy, her brother ended up dying.

Now, though, she had no brother to lose.

Shawn held out his unlocked phone and opened it to the Notes app, where he'd typed, 'What's your name?' like he knew exactly what she was. Mute. I can't speak. Won't speak.

'Camila,' she typed back.

"Camila," he said to himself. He looked up again, staring at her features. "Camila. Can you hear?"

She nodded.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?"

He hadn't asked, Can you speak? Are you mute? Why won't you talk to me? He'd just asked, Am I making you uncomfortable?

'No,' she typed. 'No, you're not.'

"Do you want me to leave?" He still only whispered, like he didn't want to put her off.

'No.'

"Then come here." Shawn's hand retook hers, his long fingers wrapped around the base of her hand, and he guided her to the table.

________

part two(ish) of this chapter is coming soon, i want to get equal parts in shawn and camila's perspectives, also just wanted to give you guys a chapter lol! hope you enjoy and comment your thoughts!

and i need your opinions if it would be helpful if i put chapter names- i'm happy to do it! ily so much

september 21, 2022