"...And that's what happened. Do you remember any of that? What was going on with SEKAI, and you, and—don't even get me started on that weird place." Tsukasa muttered. The memories of the past few days felt even more bizarre when he retold them.
"That sounds...most strange. Let's see. I think what would help you the most is knowing that SEKAI changes based on your feelings. It's mostly your feelings alone, although your friends have some influence as well." KAITO answers.
"So it's my fault SEKAI fell apart."
"N-no! Of course not—I mean—maybe partially, but-"
"You can say it is. It's fine, I'm not offended or anything," Tsukasa replies, in an attempt to be reassuring. "What about the first time though? When I passed out. What happened here?"
KAITO sighs. "Do you really want to know, Tsukasa?"
"That's the whole reason I'm here. I don't know anything about any of this, KAITO."
"...Alright," KAITO responds hesitantly. "In SEKAI—when it was falling apart for the first time. It came completely crashing down. Your friends had already completely disappeared, thankfully. But that was it. SEKAI just...destroyed itself. I'm pretty sure everyone here was unconscious for a while. Minor injuries, but nothing awful— I think. Though...I've never seen anything like that before. You must have some pretty strong negative emotions you're holding, Tsukasa."
His worries were that strong? To bring down SEKAI entirely ? That was almost impossible for him to even begin to fathom. And if his friends were there during that entire thing, they might've died.
All because of him.
He tried to distract his mind from it. If he let the possibilities linger any longer, he'd feel sick.
"What do you mean? I don't have any strong negative emotions or anything...heh...right? I'm fine." Tsukasa says.
"Are you completely sure?"
" Yes? "
"Okay. Then how do you feel right now?" KAITO asks.
"Nothing, really."
"How do you feel about the show tomorrow?"
"...What are you doing?" Tsukasa asks.
"Just answer the question honestly." KAITO answers.
Tsukasa hated how this felt. But he was trying to get help for himself. This is supposed to help him. Just answer the question...
"A little scared, maybe. But we've been practicing for weeks—so it should be fine, right?"
KAITO nods. "How do you feel about what's happened in the last few days?"
Tsukasa took a second to think before responding. He experienced a lot during the past few days. The emotions were still flowing through his mind, but he'd try to restrain them while talking to anyone.
"Scared. I'm scared that—every time I'm here, I'm going to accidentally hurt everyone again. Confused, too—about way too many things. And I don't know why, either, but certain things make me feel stressed that never used to. Like—like the piano! Saki and I played piano today. I looked at it, and then I started feeling..."
The unpleasant memories associated with that ridiculous instrument came flooding back in. He didn't understand why—why it made him so unsettled to even be near one anymore. But he certainly understood the feelings that came from it.
"Do you know why the piano might make you feel like that?" KAITO asks.
"No, I don't. I don't know what it is that everyone thinks I'm so supposedly upset about, either...so I never know what to say when people try to help. Nothing really makes sense, anymore, at all."
"I see."
" I just wish I could disappear, more than anything —but I also want people to remember me! Is that possible?" Tsukasa says, with a strangely enthusiastic look to him.
KAITO stares at him, blinking a few times. "...Are you starting to see what the problem is?"
Holy shit . What had he just said? Tsukasa was certain that those were feelings he'd experienced before, but they sounded so wrong when he said them aloud.
"Tsukasa...how long have you been keeping that kind of stuff to yourself?"
Tsukasa honestly couldn't remember. It had seemed like forever. He remembered that he would—time and time again— assure everyone he was okay. Even if at that moment, he was completely miserable.
"Years, I guess. I don't think I've ever told anyone about this. It's not like anyone needs to know, though! It's not their business—I can handle it myself."
"I mean this in the kindest possible way, but the last time you tried to handle it yourself—" KAITO starts.
"I know that, it doesn't matter," Tsukasa snaps. "I'm not going to make everyone else have to deal with this. That's just selfish, isn't it? I'm selfish enough."
He was. He was always acting as if he was better than everyone else even though he knew damn well he wasn't. He'd always be so obnoxious to everyone, unapologetically. He'd just keep selling himself as the star of the show, when in reality he was one of the least capable or worthy of referring to himself as that role. He'd only ever be thinking of himself!
"You can't just keep repressing things, though. They're always going to come back, and then it might just get worse—
" Just let me take care of it by myself, damn it! "
KAITO falls silent and stares at him with a perturbed expression.
That's the last thing Tsukasa remembers before leaving SEKAI.
He was just trying to help.
And you pushed him away.
Just like you always do.
Why would you push away someone who's trying to help you . . . ?!
What the hell is wrong with you?
YOU ARE READING
Stellar Evolution/credits to "orphan_account?" on ao3
Fanfiction⚠️ NOT POSTING FOR THIS IN A WHILE ⚠️ Tsukasa had convinced himself his goal was to make people smile. To be the best star in theater there was. To his personal standards, he'd failed in both. It wasn't difficult to determine. He'd especially notice...
