Stellar Evolution/credits to "orphan_account?" on ao3

part 14

His funeral was a day everyone had wanted to forget.

Most of all, Rui.

He'd never cried so hard in his life . It was ridiculous, for him to be crying like this over some boy. But what if he was yours? You'd sworn to be by his side always. And here you are, by his side, far too late. You're at the side of his dead body. Trying to move on.

They would never get rid of the feeling that Tsukasa's death was his fault.

They'd had a service and everything.

So why was Rui still unable to get over it?

They hadn't talked to anyone since the day of the funeral. He'd locked himself in his room. It was unusual for someone like him to be like this—someone who nearly always put logic over his emotions. But he wasn't able to forget about it. There was endless guilt. Like he could've— should've— stopped Tsukasa from dying. His room was a mess, more now than it ever had been. The same pieces of metal and sketches littered his room, but there were some new things. Tissues stained with tears, shattered pieces of glass and old projects which were now destroyed completely—Tsukasa's suicide note for him, sitting on his desk, unopened.

He had received a few texts from Nene, inviting him out with her and Emu. He appreciated the idea—he knew that Nene was most likely worried about him. But today wasn't the day he'd be able to do something like that.

Something like that was probably months away from happening.

Rui had completely lost himself in grief.

Knock, knock.

He didn't care enough to get up and therefore didn't answer. They'd go away eventually.

"Rui—It's Nene. I want to talk to you."

Nene? Why was she here?

He looked out the window to make sure it was really her. Sure enough, that was Nene Kusanagi standing outside the front door. He wasn't sure whether to answer or not. Nene was one of his first and closest friends, he should trust her enough to see him like this. At the same time—he wanted to be alone. He didn't even know if he'd be able to keep up a conversation.

Nene sighs and starts walking away.

However, a small creak is heard from the door.

She turns back around, to see Rui standing in the doorway, looking at her with a dull stare.

"What is it you wanted?" He mumbles.

Nene can tell the quiet in his voice is keeping him from crying again. This was something she was unfamiliar with. Rui had never been like this before. Tsukasa's suicide must have had an incredible impact on him.

They were in a relationship, weren't they?

If I lost Emu, I'd probably be the same.

Nene reaches out and hugs him. Rui flinches upon being touched, but accepts eventually.

"So—how have you been?" Nene asks. They'd moved downstairs, to Rui's room. In all the years of being his friend, it still confused her how he lived in their family's garage, out of all places. Especially when it was this...crowded.

"I'd normally lie and say I'm just exhausted. But, since it's you—I'm doing awful, quite honestly," he answers.

"I'm sorry."

"I expected it. It's fine."

Nene's eyes drifted to Rui's desk. He hadn't opened the letter.

"Have you...read your note yet?"

"Hm? Oh... that. No, not yet."

"...Do you want to? It might help you...y'know, find some sort of closure...or something."

Rui didn't ever think about that before. It technically was Tsukasa's last words to him.

He reluctantly gets up, grabs the envelope, and rips it open. The paper was ripped from a notebook— shit. Another thing Rui hadn't noticed. Tsukasa was writing letters at lunch, right when they were sitting next to each other. He guessed it wasn't important now, though. Tsukasa was gone.

Rui hesitantly unfolds the piece of notebook paper inside and reads it:

"Dear Rui,

I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. You're one of the greatest people I've ever known. Did I sometimes think your ideas were a little ridiculous? I'd be lying if I said no. But—you were dedicated to making people smile. I could see that. You were always right about it from the beginning. I'm not fit to be like you, and help people smile. You have an incredible future ahead of you.

But I'm not part of that future. I'm hoping you understand that.

You shouldn't need me. You still have Nene and Emu. I know the three of you are going to be great together as a troupe.

Unfortunately, this is where I take my final bow. I'm sorry for ever being in your way. All of this, the troupe, our shows, everything. It's up to you now.

Sincerely,

Tsukasa Tenma ☆"

Nene looks over to Rui. "Did it help any?"

The letter is quivering in his shaky hands. A few tears hit the page, but they wipe their eyes and sigh irritatedly. "This is why I didn't read it the first time."

"I'm—I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

"...Have you thought about coming back to the troupe?" Nene asks, a bit uncertainly.

" Performing... no. It probably won't be happening any time soon. I can't go up there, knowing tha—"

"That he's not there. I get it. But—in the letter, he said he'd wanted us to continue as a troupe together...don't you think he'd want you to keep trying?"

"...It doesn't matter."

" What? "

"It doesn't matter what Tsukasa thinks, or wants.

Tsukasa's dead, Nene. "

i posted these in the comments on chapter 12 but im not sure if anyone saw them but there were some tiny details i put in chapters before that idk if people recognized:
-untitled is referred to as untitled. in the unit story, untitled becomes the world hasn't even started yet. however, its untitled in this fic because tsukasa has lost his true feelings about performing again.
-the letters were all going to be individualized suicide notes for each person he was close with.
-the reason tsukasa can't remember most of his bad memories/injuries/that stuff is because he represses them immediately to the point of not remembering them entirely.
-literary nonsense in the second chapter has a lot of references in the lyrics to a few key points in this fic (based off of the wiki translation):
"even on the days i feel the most melancholy, i want to try revealing my secrets as long as its you i'm revealing them to"
tsukasa only trusts certain people to discuss his issues with.
"the real me doesn't exist, there's nothing that's 'like me' or 'not like me'"
tsukasa has absolutely no idea who he is: whether he's his cheerful wonderlands x showtime persona who everyone adores, or the one with the broken future and emptiness.