Freedom of a Phantom Soul

Chapter 1

The reality in which we are living is so paradoxical. Everyone says "freedom of speech" until it goes against them. Everyone has a place then shut down people who are different.  You can do anything you want but they have to like what you are doing. This world makes you believe that you are always wrong. And then it questions why you seek to end it all.

For all my life I've felt empty. Without realizing I never felt emotions contemplating why I couldn't understand anyone. Then as I grew older it hit me. Everyone is always going to drag you down unless you are like them. So I've tried to find an excuse for all this senseless pain for as long as I can remember. But there isn't one. I just feel as if someone shot a whole through my chest but there was nothing to pull the trigger.
Sometimes I think I'm faking this pain. Maybe it's all for attention. But attention is the last thing I want. If someone were to ever notice me I would crumble and run away. I want to be normal with all I have, but to be normal I have to want to be unique. I don't think normal people realize all the pain they inflict while they romanticize living hell for us.
It would be better if people had an "it's ok" mind set instead of an "I understand you" mind set. It is full of lies and stereotypes of what they want to believe. They step on us while saying that they know and have been through everything and expect to be idolized.
They scream respect at me while they spray me with dirt.
And when I try to wash myself with water they drown me.
It hurts knowing that they'll never be able to help me. But again, it's selfish to use people for your own desires. I've grown thinking that I deserve this pain that I have been feeling for the longest time; not knowing if it has been caused by others or self inflicted.