Hope is the thing with feathers

Chapter 2: I felt a Funeral, in my Brain

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading – treading – till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through –

And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum –
Kept beating – beating – till I thought
My Mind was going numb –

And then I heard them lift a Box
And creak across my Soul
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space – began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And I, and Silence, some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here –

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,
And I dropped down, and down –
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing – then –

Nick's heart and mind were racing when he entered the bathroom. It was completely irrational because he knew there was no reason why someone would break into the house in the middle of the night and hurt her, but with all the drowsiness from having been so suddenly woken up he was convinced that was exactly what was happening. And that made it even more surprising when he found out she was completely alone in the bathroom.

It took him a minute to make sense of the view that he found in front of him. She was sitting on the cold floor of the shower, completely naked, the water still running over her completely soaked body. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, her hands covering up her mouth to try and shut herself up, to try and not wake him up...

"Meredith..." he sighed.

She didn't even acknowledge his presence, she was too far gone with her thoughts. Nick stood there, completely helpless. He opened the curtain to the shower and tried to help her up, his hands slippering on her wet arms. "Come here, sweetheart, I got you..."

She didn't stop screaming. She didn't even look at him. The only thing she did was move her hands from her mouth and grab his hands instead, squeezing them hard, her nails penetrating his palms, though he barely noticed that. He was too busy trying to think of how to help her now that her screams weren't muffled anymore and he could hear them in all of their heartbreaking greatness. It felt like a mix of fear and pain that she was trying to free her insides from with each scream but, judging from how she was also crying more and more, it seemed as if the more she yelled the more she was hurting. Nick felt his back starting to get wet too as he realized he was inside the shower kneeling in front of her. He fought to free his hands from her grip so he could gently cup her face. That gesture seemed to wake something within her.

"DON'T" she cried out loud, pushing him away. "PLEASE, DON'T! GET AWAY!"

He did as asked, not wanting to scare her. He sat down on the floor next to the shower, which was now completely wet too since he hadn't bothered closing the curtain behind him. He felt the water dampen the bottom of his scrubs that he was still wearing since he came to Seattle in them. But he didn't care how wet they got. He was just looking at her and feeling completely useless as she leaned forward, hid her face in her palms and cried even harder than she had earlier. He dared reach out for her back and stroke it a little.

"Baby, let me help..." he told her, sounding more desperate than he wanted to. She looked up at him, her eyes piercing him, as if she was trying to look for something behind them. She shook her head.

"You-you w-won't want to help..." she hiccuped.

"Try me!" He said. He was starting to suspect something, it was like she had dropped puzzle pieces on him the whole day: saying she wouldn't feel better, her OR breakdown, crying whenever she realized she was alone, all that zoning out... There was a pattern, but he couldn't really put the pieces together, he needed her to help him out with that.