It's Lust, Not Love

Part 10

Ana’s POV

Lying in bed next to Lewis felt like the safest place in the world. His body was warm, and his strong arms were wrapped around me. I’d never thought I’d ever be able to enjoy any acts of passion again, not after what happened the summer before freshman year.

Ana’s Flashback

I was at a party, and not just any party, but a high school one! You know the ones with loud music, dancing, and lots and lots of alcohol? Me, the shy quiet girl only just about to go into 9th grade at Victoria High, and I had been invited to one of the biggest parties of the year! A guy, Ricardo, I had met walking down the street had invited me, but he seemed nice and I thought maybe I could make some friends and be popular, so I decided to go, and here I was.

I felt someone’s arm around me, and looked up to see Ricardo’s face. He wasn’t very good looking; his eyes were too small and his nose too big, but he was a guy who was paying attention to me, so I felt special.

“Let’s get you a drink!” He smirked at me, slightly slurring his words. I had never had any alcohol before, but I wanted to impress Ricardo so I let him get me a beer. I brought it to my lips and drank. It tasted disgusting and I wanted to spit it out, but Ricardo was still watching me so I forced myself to swallow.

 I barely noticed Ricardo refilling my drink every time I finished it. Before long, it seemed like the world and everyone in it was spinning, spinning and getting fuzzier and fuzzier. I couldn’t walk in a straight line, in fact, I could hardly even walk. I just stumbled around in my confusion until Ricardo came back to me.

“C’mon, let’s go inside.” He hadn’t been drinking as much as me; that was obvious. He just dragged me into the house behind him, and up into a bedroom.

I collapsed onto the bed and tried to make my head stop spinning. I didn’t see Ricardo standing by the bed, taking off his shirt. I didn’t realize he had locked the door either. He then pulled me into a sitting position.

“Take off your shirt.” He commanded me.

“Wha? Why?” I asked, not really worried yet. I didn’t really understand what was going on.

“Just do it!” He growled at me. I wanted to please him, so I did. “And your pants!” I did this too.

I was only in my underwear now, blushing and sitting on the bed and looking up into Ricardo’s face leering down at me. Then he roughly pushed me down to where I was lying on the bed again and started kissing my neck, trying to unhook my bra with both hands. Once he had succeeded in that, he pulled my underwear off and got off the bed to begin unbuckling his pants. I finally realized what was happening, and fear struck me. I couldn’t feel the alcohol’s influence over me anymore; all I knew was that I had to get out of that room. I scrambled off the bed and ran towards the door as fast as my little 14 year old legs could carry me, but Ricardo grabbed my arm and savagely threw me against the wall. I sank to the ground, tears pouring out of my eyes. I let out a sob.

Ricardo pulled me back to my feet and with one hand held my hands above my head. I tried kicking him but he went in between my legs, not allowing me to move. We were both naked now. There was nothing I could do.

“I was going to be gentle with you, but your attempt at escape changed my mind.” He whispered into my ear.

Ana’s POV Present

I had blocked the memory of what happened next, but I still knew what had taken place that night. I had transferred high schools after that, too afraid to risk facing Ricardo again. My dad hadn’t even asked questions, but I wasn’t going to admit what happened anyway. Nobody knew about what had happened, only me. After the incident, I had read books about other girls who had been raped. Some of them were too scared to ever have sex again. I had always thought I would be like that. It was one of the reasons I couldn’t do it with Johnny, but with Lewis, well, he was special. And he was all mine. I smiled. Could I maybe, possibly love him? I wondered. No, that was impossible! After the Ricardo incident and seeing so many families torn apart by unfaithful spouses, I had decided love didn’t exist, it was just an idea. I’m in lust, not love. I told myself. But a little voice in the back of my mind kept insisting, this is more than lust!