What is life? || Jinkook

chapter 79

That night,  hwan was coloring the sketches while laying on the bed , jungkook grab his diary from the side table..

And starts writing ✍

...
I write becuase it makes me feel like someone's listening

Or ..

Am I listening to myself ?

...

I find myself today in loop again, I am questoning everything, and not because I would change anything in my life but simply because I would like to make sense of what has happened .

I want to understand why he destroy my life.what was his end goal? who am I to him ?

What did I do to deserve what happened to me ? I wish I coud ask him and truly get a sincere answer.

Tonight I realized that, I will never be able to have a relationship again. My life is now officially a movie that I don't even get to be the Star.Everything was for nothing.

May be it all happened becuase of me ,

Sometimes,  I think what life would be if I didn't make that one mistake.

That one mistake of loving him

The one mistake of trusting him

If

If I didn't make that one mistake I could of done so much better..

and then the cycle of me blaming myself continues

I keep on thinking that  everything is my fault. 

And now again , the fears are drowning me in the darkness , what if people starts  mocking my baby , what if they started calling him with bad names , becuase of me?

I remember how many students in my class used to call me names becuase my mother was a divorcee

They used to make fun of me

I know how badly it hurts

And I,  I don't want my baby to hear these things again

I don't want him to feel like this

I don't want anybody to hurt my baby

He is too small to hear such things

No

No

I'm not allowing anybody to do this with my child

And then again anxiety starts surrounding jungkook

I don't want to feel this anxiety again

I don't want to be weak

I want to be strong for my baby

But

Right now, I'm feeling like i can't get air.