Without A Trace

Chapter 13 In Order To Heal

Chapter 13    In Order To Heal
 
 
Viggo sat on one of the deck chairs nursing a glass of ice tea. It felt good to be home after spending a month and a half bunking with Sean.  No offense intended to his host, but Viggo missed his peace and quiet and more importantly, his Orlando. Talking on the phone with his angel just wasn’t enough. He needed to be with him. What he wasn’t going to miss was the bustle that constantly occurred at Sean’s house.  The American was a solitary man, not introverted, just one of those who loved his quiet times, and there were very few quiet times happening at Sean’s.  There was always someone dropping over to the older British actor’s home to either watch a game of “footies” and down a few beers, or a lot of people coming over to play cards and downing a lot of beers. Viggo just couldn’t bring himself to participate very often.  He’d much rather have been in his studio, painting to relax. Besides, he was worried about Orlando.
 
When Pete and Elijah had come over to visit Viggo the night following Orlando’s safe return, Orli had steadfastly refused to come out of the bedroom stating that he was too tired for company. No matter how hard poor Elijah had tried, the young American could not budge his friend at all.  Instead the Brit withdrew and refused to even respond to anything Elijah said. Due to Elijah’s constant prodding, eventually Orlando lost his temper and screamed at Elijah to leave him alone.  Very hurt and subdued, Elijah gave up the discussion, meekly left the room, and resorted to dozing on the couch for the remainder of the visit that night. Viggo had been very concerned as to whether Orlando would ever come out of his protective shell. But throughout the rest of the month and half of the following one, Orlando slowly starting to reveal to his closest friends, small events of what had happened to him within the four days he’d been held captive. He still avoided most of the details of his repeated rapes but was starting to open up and that, in Viggo’s opinion, was an improvement however small it might be.  Orli was also beginning to be more receptive to others around him, but it was his lover to whom he remained closest and revealed most of his deepest fears to even though Viggo could sense that Orli was still withholding most of the damaging events of his kidnapping.
 
Another problem was Orlando’s insecurities which prompted him to constantly question Viggo’s occasional need to run errands that would force the attractive young actor to remain alone in the house, and being alone, guaranteed Orli’s fears would resurface and escalate with a vengeance.  Each time Orlando asked where his lover was going and how long he’d be gone, the American would respond with an offer for Orli to go with him.  Orlando always declined the offer and instantly withdrew into himself when questioned why he wouldn’t go.  This in turn would frustrate the Dane almost to the point of total exasperation, but the older actor made sure to keep his emotions in check, not wishing to loose his temper with the Brit, which would cause Orlando to draw even further away from him.
 
Two days after being home, Orlando grudgingly took Viggo’s careful advice and allowed himself to be taken to the hospital for treatment. Once examined for physical trauma, evidence, disease, and then finally a very subtle but thorough psychiatric evaluation, the doctor notified the police. When the police arrived at the emergency room, Orlando was reluctantly forced to reveal the kidnapping in great detail to the officers assigned to the case.  The e-mails, pictures, and videos were turned over as evidence, much to Orli’s dismay, and all the reassurance that the e-mails wouldn’t be made public knowledge did little to relinquish the attractive Brit’s apprehension. A Psychiatrist was then brought in and although Orlando balked, arrangements for counseling outside the hospital were made initially for twice a week, three times a week later on, if twice proved too little. These sessions would start on an individual basis for Orlando and Viggo, then both parties would be brought together and counseled as a pair.
 
On a more private note, Pete gave Orlando as much time off as he would need, regardless of the rising filming costs and delays to the schedule. The Director then arranged a general staff meeting at the Rings set and all cast and crew were informed of Orlando’s kidnapping.  The seven remaining actors of the fellowship were later taken aside and given a slightly more detailed account of the kidnapping to which they were appalled and shocked none the least.  Pete warned them not to bombard the young Brit with questions for fear of causing Orli to regress in his therapy.  The hobbits, Elijah excluded, were somewhat hurt at being omitted from Orlando’s and Viggo’s experience but after Pete explained the reasons for the exclusion; they settled into quiet acceptance and opted for offering support and advice to their friends.  Ian McKellen was the only one who offered no direct interference in his co-star’s path to healing, although saddened and repulsed by the happenings.  Later on after the conference, Ian looked Viggo up and volunteered his wise support to aid Viggo in helping the young man, of whom he was very fond, to move forward and put the heinous violation behind him. Viggo had respectfully thanked him and promised to call should he need the help.
 
The next hurtle that needed to be climbed was informing Orlando’s family, his mother, Sonia, and his sister, Samantha, of what had transpired over the last month.  Orli really protested it, pleading for Viggo to talk to them on his behalf because he didn’t think he could.  On the advice of their counselor, Viggo painfully declined, informing the beautiful actor that Sonia and Samantha deserved to hear it from him and nobody else. This part of the healing process was private and necessary for the family to come to terms over what had happened, work through it in order to accept it, support each other, and hopefully, heal.  If that meant Viggo had to move into a hotel room, or stay with Sean Bean so the family could work things out privately, regardless of however long it took, he was more than willing to do it.
 
Orlando finally relented, after days of Viggo’s gentle encouragement, and rang his mother.  As soon as she heard the trembling insecure voice on the far end of the line she sensed something was terribly wrong.  It had been many years since her son had taken such an unselfconfident and helpless tone. When Orlando tearfully explained what had happened to him, Sonia quickly made arrangements for her and her daughter to catch a flight to New Zealand.
 
Viggo politely surrendered his house to the Bloom family upon their arrival, and Sean welcomed his temporary room mate.  Sonia and Samantha thanked the Dane for his kind offer but warned him that they had no idea how long they intended to stay.  Viggo was prepared to give them as much time as they needed, especially if it helped his lover, and he told Mrs. Bloom that.
 
As it turned out, the stay lasted a month and a half, and during that time, Viggo noticed a change in Orlando’s behavior.  Between the counseling and his family’s support, the Orlando Viggo had known, began to reappear.  Orli became more relaxed, less withdrawn, and started to partake in his friend’s off time activities.  He smiled more, which Viggo was especially pleased about, and actually began to joke.  Not many days after Orlando’s family left to go back to England, Orlando approached Pete about returning to work on the film. Shocked and skeptical at first, Pete questioned his readiness to return to work and Orlando adamantly informed him that he needed to get back into a more regular routine.  Pete reluctantly agreed to let him try but assured the young man that if he found it too much to deal with, he could always take more time off.  Orlando agreed and thanked him.
 
Where Viggo found the least change in Orlando was with the intimacy of their relationship.  Although the youth was completely open to the American actor, in virtually every other way, when it came to expressing their feelings for each other, in even a remote physical sense, Orlando almost always withdrew and became quiet. And with each passing day, this didn’t improve in the least.  It troubled Viggo immensely, and every time he tried to discuss it with Orlando, his brown haired lover always muttered what was obviously an excuse and quickly changed the subject.  Viggo was beginning to get frustrated.  When the Dane approached the counselor with his concerns, in one of their single person sessions, the counselor in turn brought up to Orli, the lack of intimacy in the relationship and his reluctance to engage in physical affection. The young man always stated to the counselor that although he loved Viggo with everything he had, he just wasn’t ready or able to be intimate yet.
 
A knock on the back door brought Viggo out of his thoughts and he turned to see who it was.  He smiled warmly when he saw Orlando step out onto the deck. Orli turned and responded to Viggo’s smile with a slight grin. “I thought I’d knock because you looked like you were deep in thought.”
 
“I understand you and the hobbits were going surfing this afternoon. What happened?” Viggo asked as his lover walked towards him.
 
Orlando shrugged and flopped down in a near by lounge chair across from the older man. “Didn’t feel like it so they went on without me.”
 
“Any particular reason why?” The Dane inquired as he took a sip of iced tea.
 
Orlando shrugged and quickly dropped his gaze to the deck floor. “Been thinking a lot.” he responded softly.
 
“Orlando, you need to shut it…..” Viggo started to advise but the attractive young man cut him off. “I want you to make love to me.” He blurted.
 
Viggo gaped in shock. Well, this was all of a sudden. Any other time, Viggo couldn’t even get a hug out of him. When he recovered himself, he spoke softly. “Orlando, you don’t have to do this. Not until you’re ready. I don’t mind.”
 
Orlando raised his eyes and looked at Viggo as the tears pooled then slowly overflowed and trickled down his high cheek bones. “I know I don’t have to.” He started in a shaky whisper. “I want to. I need to.”
 
“Angel, I’m not too sure you’re ready……..”
 
“Please, Vig?” Orli choked out. “Don’t make me beg or explain why?” He began to fidget in the lounger and wring his hands.
 
Viggo set his glass down and studied Orlando momentarily.  It was obvious Orli was nervous, very nervous and the Dane began to get suspicious of his lover’s motives. “Orlando…”
 
“Please, Vig? Make love to me?” Orlando breathed in desperation, the pain evident in the chocolate brown depths. Didn’t his lover want him anymore?
 
When Viggo didn’t answer right away, Orlando got up from his chair, walked over and knelt down in front of the older handsome man.  He leaned forward and pressed his lips gently against the Dane’s. “Please?” he muttered softly against the still mouth. “I need to do this. I need to know you still love me.”
 
Viggo brought his hand up and stroked his fingers through his lover’s dark thick curls. “We don’t have to make love in order to prove that I love you Orli. Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked not too certain Orlando knew what he wanted. Something brought this on and the Dane was yearning to find out what that something was. Preferably before they moved forward any further.
 
Orlando again pressed his lips to those of his lover and was elated to find them somewhat responsive. “Yes.” He replied and attempted to deepen the kiss.
 
Viggo let his self restraint go and returned the kiss reverently at first, then more urgently as the young man responded to him. Without breaking stride Viggo shifted forward in his chair and wrapped his arms lovingly around the slight body and drew him closer.  After a few moments he pulled back so that he could look at his lover.  He brought one hand to Orli’s cheek and caressed it gently. “You are so beautiful, Orlando.” He rasped. “I love you.” He slid his hand down Orli’s arm and tenderly took hold of his love’s hand. “Let’s go to bed.”
 
Orlando slowly stood, drawing Viggo up with him, and they walked quietly into the house, locking the door behind them.
 
 
****
 
 
Viggo led Orlando through the house and into their bedroom. As soon as they stepped through the doorway, Orlando swung around and placing his hands on his lover’s shoulders slammed Viggo back against the wall and took his mouth in a bruising kiss before the handsome Dane could question him.  The young man’s hands worked feverishly at the buttons on Viggo’s shirt.
 
Viggo allowed this momentarily then finally wrenched himself free and grabbed Orli by the wrists, effectively stopping him.
 
Orlando looked up at his lover, his dark eyes questioning. “Viggo?” His heart pounded with anxiety in his chest. Had Viggo change his mind?
 
Viggo gave him a reassuring smile. “Slow down, Orli. We have all day, or most of it anyway, and all night.”  He felt his cock stir and harden at the very thought of the prospect.
 
Orlando leaned forward and kissed the Dane’s throat softly. “I know. I just want you. I’ve missed you so much.” He was well aware of the growing bulge in Viggo’s pants which was more than enough evidence of his lover’s eagerness.
 
Viggo released one of the young man’s wrists, reached down and slowly started to pull the t-shirt free of Orli’s jeans. He bent slightly and gave him a quick peck to the cheek. “I’ve missed you too, so let’s slow down and enjoy this.”
 
Orlando nodded agreement and after Viggo released his other wrist he lifted his arms and allowed the American to pull the t-shirt up over his head and off.  As soon as his arms were free of the shirt, Orli hurriedly attacked the buttons on Viggo’s shirt again.
 
Viggo reached and, with his thumb, flicked the button to his young love’s jeans open then pulled them down out of the way, and ran his hands along the smooth skin at the small of Orli’s back. He caringly fingered the long scar there.
 
Orlando slowly stepped out of his jeans as he finished opening Viggo’s shirt then smoothly moved the material out of his way as he caressed the sparsely haired skin.  He moaned lowly as he felt Viggo tenderly squeeze his buttocks and he leaned against the American’s bare chest, discreetly pressing his knee against the other man’s obvious erection.
 
“You are gorgeous, Orlando.” Viggo purred seductively into his lover’s ear as bolts of pleasure curled low in his belly and further stiffened his member. “What did I do to deserve you? I love you so much, it hurts.”
 
“I love you too.” Orlando whispered and closed his eyes against the sting of tears as he nestled against the warm body of his partner.
 
Viggo felt the slight frame against him start to tremble and frowned. “Orli?” he called with concern and immediately ceased his touches. He fought to ignore the uncomfortable tightness in his jeans.  If this fell through he’d relieve himself later, right now the young man’s feelings were more important.
 
“I’m okay.” came the meek reply. “I really need to do this, Vig. I want to feel you inside me. I need to forget how their hands felt on me.” He choked a sob. “I need to forget how it felt when they raped me.”  He drew back somewhat and peered up at his lover, tears streaming down his cheeks. “Please, Vig, don’t stop? Help me forget? Make me feel again?”
 
“Baby, you don’t have to do this. I know your intentions are meant well but your reasons may be wrong.” The Dane pointed out as he soothingly ran the back of his hand against his lover’s cheek. “God, it’s been so long.” He purred. “I want to make love to you but……”
 
Orli looked up at Viggo. “Then do it.” He whispered. “I want to show you how much I love you. Please, Vig, don’t stop now?”
 
Viggo sighed, bowed over and caught Orlando’s lips with his in an affectionate urgent kiss.
 
Orlando readily responded. “Please?” he begged quietly against his lover’s mouth as he carefully reached down and cupped the bulge in Viggo’s jeans firmly. “I won’t get over this fear if I don’t try and I can’t bare the thought of not being able to have you touch me or love me.” In all truth, Orlando feared that if he continued to shy away from the American actor’s intimate advances, he’d loose Viggo forever.
 
Viggo gasped and pulled back slightly, looking at Orlando. Pleading brown eyes locked with passion filled blue grey ones. “This is what you want, Orli?” the older actor asked huskily, needing to be sure that this was his young love’s final decision, before he proceeded.
 
Orlando nodded without hesitation. “Take me to bed.”
 
Viggo smiled and without saying another word, rested his hands on Orlando’s waist and guided him backwards until the back of the young Brit’s knees brushed against the edge of the mattress.
 
Orlando allowed his older lover to lower him softly down onto the bed on his back.  He settled into the mattress and watched as the Dane quickly removed his own jeans and briefs, exposing his eager damp erection.
 
Viggo leisurely tossed his pants aside, knelt on the mattress, straddling the slim waist between his knees. He brought his hands to Orlando’s chest and let them wander down the smooth soft skin, across the flat belly, over the sun tattoo, until they reached the waist band of the boxers that were barely riding on the sharp hip bones there. With tender touches, the older actor worked his fingers under said waistband and pulled downwards exposing the semi erect member nestled amongst a mass of brown curls. Viggo’s heart sank momentarily as he angrily thought about how the kidnappers had forced access to Orli’s most private parts. He quickly suppressed his emotions and concentrated on what he was doing.  He was determined to help Orlando forget how much he’d been hurt in such a short period of time, and instead remember what it was like to have someone who truly loved him, touch him with nothing but affection.  His angel deserved better!
 
Orlando raised his buttocks in order to aid in the removal of his underwear and he let out a gasp as he felt the weathered palm of his lover stroke and pet his body then caressingly encircle his slightly erect shaft. He whined as the older man started an agonizingly slow rhythm urging him to harden more.
 
Viggo dipped down and caught Orli’s trembling parted lips passionately in his, all the while slowly stroking and fondling the ever hardening shaft in his palm.
 
Orlando arched his hips up in an attempt to feel more of the delicious friction on his cock. He carefully drew back from the kiss. “Please Vig.” he panted in desperation. “Don’t tease”
 
Viggo grinned, shifted over and, without taking his eyes off the lovely vision before him, reached to the nightstand drawer.  He blindly felt for the handle, grasped it when his fingers bumped against it, and pulled the drawer open. Keeping most of his attention focused on pleasuring his lover with his ministrations, he rummaged through the drawer and finally found the familiar shape of the tube he’d been seeking. Right next to that was a packet of condoms.  He grabbed those as well, shut the drawer, and turned back to his very aroused young love.
 
Orlando spread his legs more and allowed Viggo to kneel between them.  He shivered slightly as a comforting hand stroked the inside of his thigh. As the older actor opened the lube and coated his fingers, Orli rested his head back on the mattress. He whimpered as his lover’s finger lightly circled the entrance to his body and gasped with desire when the digit entered him.
 
Viggo leaned forward and gave the attractive young actor a soft kiss as he gently worked the passage, trying to get Orli to relax more.  As the tight guardian muscle loosened, he slowly withdrew his finger and added another scissoring now in order to prepare him for penetration. He worked his fingers deeper and smiled when he found the bundle of nerves he’d been aiming for. He curled his finger and gave it a light stroke.
 
Orli moaned loudly and shuddered with the raw pleasure that flooded through his body and settled in his groin.  “Please, Vig. Take me!” He cried impatiently. He drew his legs up from the mattress and abruptly wrapped them around the handsome man’s waist in an attempt to draw the actor closer.
 
Viggo chuckled to himself and not wanting to disappoint, quickly picked up the condom packet and tore it open.
 
As soon as Orlando caught sight of the condom, he froze then quickly disentangled himself from his lover, shifted and got up off the bed.
 
Viggo watched dumbfounded and speechless as the young Brit walked over to where his clothes were laying and picked his boxers from the floor.
 
“Orlando?” Viggo asked gently when he found his tongue.  He dropped the open packet to the bedding and started to get up.
 
Orlando didn’t answer and continued to dress.  He swiftly pulled his jeans on, grabbed his shirt, and started for the door.
 
Viggo scrambled off the bed and started after his love. “What’s wrong? Where are you going?” He cursed himself for giving in to what the young actor seemed to want. Deep down he knew Orlando wasn’t ready to be intimate but he had ignored the warnings and let his own desires over rule his judgment.
 
Orlando still didn’t reply and headed out of the room.  Viggo picked up his pace and caught up with his lover in the narrow hallway. He grasped the young man by the arm and pulled him to a halt. “Orlando, please talk to me?” he requested plaintively.
 
Orli refused to face his lover or answer him. He made sure he avoided Viggo’s attempts to get a good look at him.
 
“Baby?” Viggo urged gently. “Did I do something wrong?”
 
Orlando drew in a shuddered breath and without looking at the older man spoke barely above a whisper. “I c-can’t do this.” He confessed vaguely.
 
“What?” Viggo inquired, still holding Orli by the arm.  He stepped in front of the attractive Brit and tried to make eye contact with him.
 
Orlando evaded Viggo’s attempts and still wouldn’t answer.
 
“What Orli?” Viggo gruffly asked. He was beginning to get frustrated and it was definitely showing in his tone of voice. “Talk to me.” When Orlando continued to avoid his gaze, the American gripped him gently by the chin and forced the Brunette to look at him. “Damn it Orli! How in the hell can I understand how you feel if you won’t talk to me?!”
 
Orlando cringed under the harsh voice and glanced up at him with unshed tears in his eyes. He didn’t try to pull away but he began to cry.
 
Viggo suddenly realized his mistake and abruptly let go of Orlando’s chin. “Please, baby. Talk to me?” He wouldn’t achieve anything by rough handling his lover. He cursed himself sternly and then gently placed a shaky hand to the young man’s thick curls. “Please.” He whispered desperately.
 
Orlando pulled back from Viggo’s grip on his arm and when the older actor let him go, he backed up and leaned against the hallway wall. “I can’t do this!” he wailed between sobs. He looked at the Dane, all the pain and utter terror more than evident in his tear stained eyes. He shook his head. “I love you and I want to do this, Viggo. But every time I try to get close to you something happens to me. I feel so ashamed and dirty.”
 
“Why, angel?” Viggo asked pleadingly as he stepped right in front of Orlando. He again placed his hand to the younger actor’s cheek. “Please, just tell me why?”
 
“I don’t know!” Orlando blurted loudly. He then broke down completely, letting his sorrow over take him.
 
Viggo tried to take hold of his lover and draw him into a comforting hug but Orlando sharply pulled back. “Don’t! Don’t touch me!”  he gasped in despair.
 
“Why?” Viggo beseeched softly.
 
Orlando glanced up at him briefly then averted his gaze to the far wall. “Every time you touch me, you talk seductively to me, it’s them I feel, it’s them I hear. And no matter how hard I try to tell myself it isn’t so, I still feel dirty.” He then looked up at the handsome older man and locked gazes with him. “Don’t you see? I’m not clean any more! We’ve never had to use condoms before.” His voice tapered off in defeat and sobs. “I’m a whore.” He again looked away unable to stand seeing the hurt and confusion on Viggo’s pale drawn face.
 
“Orlando, what they did to you wasn’t your fault. They forced you! It doesn’t change who you are and you certainly aren’t dirty or a whore because of it.” Viggo expressed patiently. So this was the reason for the Browned eyed Brit’s withdrawn and aloof actions every time he attempted to get somewhat intimate with him.  Although he now understood Orlando’s reactions, the Dane wasn’t finding it any easier to deal with.
 
“But my body responded to them, every time.” Orli murmured still refusing to make direct eye contact.
 
“That was out of your control, baby.” Viggo explained firmly. “A natural response to any stimulation will cause your body to react that way. You had no control.”
 
Orlando slid his tear stained eyes up to look at Viggo. “I know that.” He strained out between hitched breaths. “But I can’t seem to convince myself to believe it.”
 
“Believe it.” Viggo urged. He brought his hand up to Orlando’s face and caressed it lovingly. “Regardless of what happened it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. So don’t think I love you any less. I need you to talk to me and tell me how you feel. I want to help you. I’m always here for you if you’d just let me in. Please, Orlando? Let me in?”
 
Orlando again shrunk away from Viggo’s touch and then wrapped his arms protectively around himself. “I know you are, Vig. I just need time to think this out, yeah?”
 
Viggo let his arm fall limply to his side. “Take all the time you need. I’m here for you and I’m willing to wait. Okay?”
 
Orlando gave him a nod. “I know and I appreciate it, but I’m afraid I’m going to loose you because of everything that’s happening. Because of my…….issues.”
 
Viggo gave his lover a tired smile. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.” He held his arms out. “Can I at least hold you?”
 
Orlando let his defenses down and due to the other man’s reassurance, flew into Viggo’s arms embracing the man furiously. “I love you so much!” he exclaimed between sobs as he buried his face against the American’s bare chest. “I was so afraid I’d loose you! That you wouldn’t want me anymore!”
 
“You won’t loose me, Orlando, ever. You mean too much to me.” Viggo replied as tears of his own blurred his vision. “I couldn’t live without you!”
They stood for some time in each others arms before Viggo finally got a hold of himself. He drew back and lovingly took Orlando’s face in hand and guided his head up so he could look him in the eyes. “How about I make us some tea and we watch a movie?” he suggested as he wiped the tears from the younger man’s cheeks.
 
“I’d like that.” Orlando responded swallowing back his sobs.
 
“I’ll go put my clothes on and get at it then. Why don’t you go get settled.” Viggo advised.
 
Orlando carefully pulled away from Viggo. “All right.” He agreed as he made his way down the hall. “I’ll wait for you in the front room on the couch.”
 
“Okay.” Viggo answered as he watched his lover go down the hall towards the kitchen.  He sighed deeply after Orlando disappeared and allowed his shoulders to slump in relaxation. Man, it had been tense there for a few minutes. He’d been sure Orlando’s reaction to their attempt at love making had been his fault but what had tipped the youth off had been the condom. It’s been two months since he’d been kidnapped and still the smallest things set him on edge. Would he ever get over it? Cold fear gripped his heart as he considered the grime possibilities. Maybe he would never be able to get close to his younger love again, then what? Would Orlando leave because he felt pressured?  Viggo couldn’t bare the thought of trying to live a life without his sweet Orlando. He shivered involuntarily then quickly reminded himself that today had been the first day that the young man had actually opened up to him and explained why he withdrew from the older actor’s other attempts at intimacy.  It was another step in the right direction. Keeping that in mind, he turned and made his way back to the bedroom to retrieve his clothes. There was tea to make, a movie to watch, and a very attractive, no, very beautiful, young man, waiting for him in the living room and for that Viggo thanked the Lord.