For You || Chensung

IX

Jisung just stared at the letter for a while, his eyes wide. He could feel the sting of tears threatening to escape, but what could he do? Chenle was gone. He'd gone home to his family. Jisung sniffled a little, sitting down on Kun's bed.

He flinched, sitting on something hard. Jisung quickly grabbed whatever it was from under the duvet. The notebook that Chenle had for the past 4 months was there in his hand, the pen still in the designated holder and everything.

Jisung felt his hands shaking as he opened the notebook. He wanted to read Chenle's voice, even if he couldn't hear it directly, it always played in his mind. Jisung opened the first page, reading Chenle's handwriting.

I don't want Sungie to blame himself for anything that's happened to me. This happened by accident and I chose to sit in the front with the manager. I will get better, I promise. I'm trying to sing for him again, but the sound just won't come. I'm trying I promise.

Jisung's eyes widened. Who was Chenle writing these for? Which member was he talking to when he wrote these. Jisung turned to the next few pages, some with sassy comments and others serious.

Jisung continued to read until blank pages started to appear. He frowned, suddenly throwing the notebook onto his own bed. Why would Chenle leave behind his notebook? Wasn't it his source of communication for NCT while his voice was gone? It was like he was leaving behind NCT.

Jisung was about to pull his knees to his chest and have a sulk, when the notebook caught his eye again. The book had landed with the back open instead of the front, but on the back page there was writing.

Jisung sat down and slowly picked up the notebook. He opened the notebook from the back, seeing that there were multiple entries written upside down so it was like the front of another book. It was definitely Chenle's handwriting, so Jisung was quick to start reading.

I'm sorry that my voice won't come out. There are so many things I want to tell you, but I don't want you to read it. I want you to hear it, so I will bring my voice back for you...

It's been a week now and I'm starting to get frustrated with myself! When will I be able to sing for you again... I really want to

I really hate how I can't get over this! I want to sing for you! I want to see that smile on your face again! I want you to be happy... I'm really sorry that I can't get over this for you, for myself.

A whole month has past. I'm still nowhere near figuring this out. Kun ge told me that it will come back soon. Even Ten ge told me that I shouldn't force it. But what can I do when all I see is pain in your eyes when you look at me?

Do you think I'll ever be able to sing again? Singing is my life. NCT is my life, my home. I'd give anything to sing for you again, but I can't.

I'm beginning to think that I will not be cured from this. The doctor keeps telling me it's mental, but I'm not so sure. I've thought over many things, but I can't seem to understand it.

Nearly 2 months and I know I'm making Dream sad. Sungie, what can I do to make this all better?

I want to get better...

Do you miss my voice? I miss your smile and your laughter. We haven't been the same since the accident. I miss you.
Donghyuck hyung told me something funny today but when I laughed, no noise came out. I miss our banter and jokes. It's not the same if I have to write everything.

3 months. I can't keep holding everyone back like this. And I know that you'll think I'm being selfish, but I can't stand this guilty feeling a have inside.