Flaws: Vedmykiv

[2] A Semi-Translucent Squeeze

OXANA WAS better than me in so many ways. She already was a great photographer. She studied fine arts at an Ivy League, interned with the UN, and as soon as that ended, she joined the Peace Corps. Who does that? Apparently, Africa was out of reach for that New York native. Too dangerous, they told her. Go figure. Plus, with her Slavic bloodline, what better outpost than the motherland? She was full of sarcasm and funny remarks that pushed my mind, and I could be crude and playful, which turned out I loved. I intrigued her, captivated her, and in return, she made me feel wanted. But that was all in the virtual world. I was bored out of my mind one night when I remembered the name of a dating site a co-worker employed to pick up women. I told myself I wanted to see if I still had it; as if I never again would. Meanwhile, Oxana was already a year into her service when the political instability materialized; as if it had never happened before.

Lillian left for medical school that summer and our relationship turned long-distance, giving me many free hours. I created a profile, and in no time, I opened the doors to a world of deceptions I didn't know existed in me. Oxana and I video-chatted daily. I spent almost as much time with her as I spent listening to Lillian talk about her exams, classmates, and the medical terms she had to memorize. Soon I began to come home early to meet Oxana. I would stay up late too. I skipped work, made excuses and I paid less attention to the job and more affection to a Skype window. Oxana and I had already spent days immersed in deep conversations when I learned she lived abroad. That should have stopped me. The fact that I already had somebody should have stopped me. The fact I was turning into a liar should have stopped me. I didn't know how much emotional cheating could corrode.

We decided we would meet in person. I think it was my idea. I cashed out my savings, sold all my belongings, broke up with Lillian, and bought a plane ticket. That was the type of certainty I wanted in my life. I concocted the perfect plan. At the airport, on the day of our first encounter, she would jump into my arms, and I would catch her in mid-air, and from that point on, I would be strong for her until the day we died. Simple. Things would run smoothly because sacrifices must pay off, and I sacrificed everything. I was sacrificing my career, my home, and my possessions, and I was sacrificing the best thing that ever happened to me: Lillian. I was sacrificing it all so I should get it all. I replayed the scenario in my head, usually falling asleep and imagining my future with this mysterious girl. I thought about the kind of anecdotes I would tell our grandchildren. I would tell them about the time I traveled to a war zone in Eastern Europe in the name of love. I was certain I would have the most romantic story ever told. My certainty lasted a plane ride, of course.

My combat boots squeaked against the airport floor. She was leaning against a glass wall a couple of yards right in front of me, holding a coat in her arms. The strap of her purse crossed her chest and in between her breasts and her long dark hair waved down to her sides and back. Her leopard print dress matched the dirt on her black boots. She had a large face.

She came walking to me, laughing, laughing like this whole costly and stupid idea was funny. She didn't jump into my arms. I couldn't blame her. We were nervous. I didn't see any reporters, and even if I did, I don't know if I would have wanted them to take pictures. Maybe romance was awkward, and we were at an airport, and protestors were burning tires out the door. Not really, not that close anyway. Who knows. Maybe we wanted to be as casual as possible to avoid revealing our disappointments. I couldn't be the only one.

"How long have you been waiting?" I asked, instead of hugging her in a romantic and over-the-top passionate embrace that stops time.

"Long enough to stare at you. Man, you are tall."

"Spying on me from a distance, I see."

"I needed to know if I was going to have to walk away."

"Good thinking. And?"