Quicker Apologies (Total Drama, Noco)

36- Not This Time, No.

⚠️TW: implied suicide ⚠️

It had been about a month since Noah died. Cody finally moved out of Owen's place and got himself his own small little flat. It wasn't the best, but he was somehow living. Cody never got a job, or quite frankly did anything with his life besides walk Beau to a corner store and back up the stairs of the apartment complex.

He barely ate anymore, which definitely wasn't good with the number of meds he was taking. The most he could recall ever doing was researching about how skin cells regenerate every twenty-seven days, so in a way he never held hands or kissed Noah in a way his own hands and pink lips could remember anymore.

He helped win the case with the Sterecra's a while back, which was probably something he should've been happier and more proud about, he just felt like he didn't care. He did, obviously, but he just felt like it was worth nothing if Noah wasn't there to see it.

Cody also got into playing the keyboard. Never did he get out of bed to do so, but when he could, he would feel calmer and more relaxed than ever. Cody knew that he needed to put himself into therapy, but to him it was useless. He was in too deep of this cave full of sadness and all the other adjectives for miserable and lonely his tired brain could think of. He had dug himself a hole, ran away from it, and canon-balled into the hole he covered in green-brown leaves and a boy he wanted to stay with until he was grey and old. Then after that, he wanted their ghosts or spirits to stay together in the afterlife.

He was so tired. So drained. He felt as if nothing could ever get better. Cody didn't have any hobbies; all his friend's had now moved out of the country or somewhere too far away for Cody to visit. All his thoughts he was having, Noah would call them something like hopeless romantic daydreams or Romeo and Juliet if it was more modern. Cody knew what it would look like if he listened to his thoughts, so before he did anything, he made clarification letters which he would mail out to people like his dad, mum, Noah's family, Gwen, and Owen. They would all say basically the same thing, maybe a few more added words to certain people:

Dear _____, I'm sincerely sorry for what I did. If you know me well enough, you know i'm needy and selfish and persistent. I won't stop until I get what I want. What I wanted, in this case, was to be gone. To be dead. I couldn't exactly handle all that was happening anymore. It wasn't what you're thinking; it wasn't because of Noah. I just had a lot going on, i'm really sorry and I loved all of you so much. I had the best life I could've ever asked for. Seriously. Don't miss me too much :)

But think of it this way, instead of being sad, remember that now you no longer have to worry about me. I already gave Beau to Gwen (i'm sorry about lying and saying I was going on a trip to California). Also, if you could make my gravestone say something funny, that would be awesome:)

Love, Cody Anderson.

Cody shoved the few hand-written letters into his jean pockets and walked down the street around two in the morning. Something in him was hoping he would turn around to see Noah behind him, begging him not to go through. But he knew he wouldn't, no matter how hard he had wished or how many coins he threw into wishing wells, Noah wasn't coming back. Maybe if this was all a dream, Cody hoped, he could wake up and run to Noah's place and give him the biggest hug and go on the best date ever. The things Cody would do to just wake up and know Noah was alive and everyone was okay were certainly unimaginable.

As Cody walked, he glanced at the school and the tree on campus that Cody had been staring at years ago while smoking before Noah had scared him out of his trance. The chestnut really wished he had been quicker to thinking up that apology. As he thought that, he started crying after sitting down on the curb of the sidewalk.