Majoring in Murder

Chapter 24

I merged onto I-20 and followed it toward Atlanta. As I drove along with the wind whipping through my missing window, which I still hadn't fixed, the last hour and a half kept replaying itself in my head; I saw Pauly joking good-naturedly with Leo and Giovanni before Giovanni choked him with the rope. The look on Pauly's face when that rope cinched tight against his airway was seared into my memory along with the warm softness of his hand when we shook. That pleading look on his face as I aimed the pistol at him. The events flipped through my mind much quicker than they took to unfold, like a highlights reel.

It was sobering to witness first-hand how Carlo and men of his reputation dealt with traitors and screw-ups. They killed them in a discreet, nonchalant way, treating the victim as though everything was fine so as not to give them any hint of what was to come. Without warning, they enforced their punishment as quickly as the whack of a judge's gavel. WHAM!

During my reverie, my remorse for pulling the trigger grew larger and heavier. Of course, I knew that if I hadn't pulled the trigger one of the other men would have done it, and then, dissatisfied with my cowardice, they probably would have turned the gun on me too.

When the job was over, I think I was the only person there—besides Pauly, that is—adversely affected by the outcome. Leo, Giovanni, and Carlo didn't seem fazed one bit. That bothered me. What kind of person can know a man, joke with him, act like a friend, then kill that same man without batting an eye, as if it came so naturally? To me, that behavior wasn't human and I never wanted to be like that.

It was no secret to me that Carlo conducted seedy deals and criminal activity, but I had seen another facet to him, and not only him but his constituents as well. Although I had killed a few men, I tried rationalizing that it was something I had to do. Something I was forced into, not a conscious decision I had made myself. Not only that, but I never made it personal. I never got to know my victim before doing what I had to do. But, most importantly, I still maintained a large sense of regret for my wrong-doings.

Leo had seemed the most trustworthy of the three, if you can call a criminal that. Sure, he had a lengthy rap sheet and he broke Matt Beiber's leg for harassing me, but I thought even Leo wasn't above feeling remorse after murdering an acquaintance. Yet he seemed indifferent. If they could kill one of their own in such a cold, callous way, how easy would it be for them to knock me off?

When I got back to school, I sat in my car and drank. I kept thinking of Carlo telling Pauly that he had grown sloppy because of the drugs. I was pretty well lit when I stumbled from my car and threw the bottle off into the woods. I don't remember walking up to my room. Hell, it's a miracle I made it to the right room, but I did, because I woke up the next day with a huge hangover to beat all hangovers. But, I didn't have any nightmares and the morning after was worth it for that reason alone.