Summertime Sadness

Chapter 10

My eyes open to a semi-lit room. It’s morning but grey, thick clouds cover the sun, giving the sky a dark appearance. I find myself in a bed, a warm body lays next to me. When I roll over in the white, soft sheets to see who it is, an all too familiar face looks back at me. It’s Marina. She smiles when she sees that I’m awake. I only notice how close we are now, when I’m rolled over, our noses are nearly touching. I move back a bit so I can see her whole face. I’ve never really seen her morning face before, it’s tired and fresh.

“Marina,” I say.

“Hmm?”

“What are you thinking about?” I ask.

She thinks about her answer and it takes her a while to give me feedback, as if the question really took her by surprise. I look down for a moment but Marina tilts my chin up so I can look at her again. “I’m thinking about you,” she says.

I smile and gaze into her eyes. My hand moves to her arm and I stroke it with my thumb. Marina’s eyes don’t move from mine, even when I rest my head against hers. In a few hours, I might never see her again. Again. How was I just supposed to go on with my life? I couldn’t. I can’t just go months or years without Marina’s company. I wrap my arms around her, I wish I could just hold her forever. I look up at her and get dangerously close to her face. “Don’t go,” I whisper.

She shakes her head. “I’m sorry, Lana.”

I want to cry. My voice begins to crack when I say, “You don’t understand how much I love you.”

Marina closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “I do.”

“You don’t. Now you’ll never know,” I say as tears begin to brim my eyes.

“I do, Lana. I know everything. Remember?” she says and puts on a forced smile. A tear falls down my cheek and Marina wipes it away. “Don’t cry.” More tears fall and Marina hugs me, my head rests on her shoulder. She rubs my back as I cry. “It’s fine,” she says. “We can still talk right? And I’ll visit America again, I swear.”

Visit America again? As far as I’m concerned, that could be twenty years from now. And talking over the Internet or through texts? What good was that? I take my head from her shoulder and slightly shake my head. “It won’t be the same.”

Marina wipes my face and holds me close. “Stop, darling. You’re going to make me cry.” But I can’t stop. The tears keep coming. She leans her head against mine and begins singing in a low, cool voice. “When you’re around me, I’m radioactive, my blood is burning, radioactive.” As she sings I feel myself begin to calm down. Her voice is so pleasant, like a warm breeze in chilly air. “I’m turning radioactive, my blood is radioactive. My heart is nuclear, love is all that I fear.”

I look at her and clear my face. “What’s that?”

 “It’s just something I wrote the other day,” she says and I close my eyes as she continues to sing to me.

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I notice that Emma has guests over when I help Marina carry her luggage down the stairs. When we reach the living room there are about ten people (most of which I have never seen before) that run up to Marina, saying their goodbyes. I look down at my feet and stand silently as Marina returns her goodbyes. I wish there was enough room for me in one of her suitcases. I really don’t want her to leave; I’m not even sure how I’m going to let her go. When we get to the airport, I just might kidnap her.

We have to leave soon as well, it’s about ten am and her flight is at noon. I push my way through the small crowd of people, looking for a place to sit down. It’s hard to think that Marina will be gone from my life in a couple of hours. She won’t be completely gone, but long distance relationships are hard to maintain. I sit on the couch in the living room and feel my head begin to spin. It’s not fair. She couldn’t just leave without me. Could she?