Lately I've been thinking a lot about some of the guys I've spoken to and some of the guys I've been with in the past.
I know for a fact I only miss the idea of them and the idea of being loved. My mind has the tendency to wander when I want someone to take care of and to take care of me.
I miss D's genuine nature and consideration for things I would tell them. I heard a while ago that they still love me from different sources, but I know being with them would ultimately annoy the hell out of me. We were different then, but we are FAR too different now. That, and they recently talked some shit about me that I don't approve of, obviously.
I miss M's obsession with me. Before it was unhealthy, I mean. Back when it was puppy love. Recording cassettes for me, planning to see me and send me things etc. I also really miss our inside jokes. I miss his family.
I miss A's listening skills. I could go on for hours, and he wouldn't bat an eye. He'd listen, grinning ear to ear.
Well, I don't really miss anyone else. Not to be shallow, but out of the MANY boys I've dated and talked to, most of them had not one good quality.
Actually, writing this somewhat helps me understand that it's better to be away from those people I mentioned. Because, notice how I could only name one or two things I actually missed? Exactly.
On another note, I've wanted so desperately to be loved for so long that now the thought of it is irritating.
I wish someone would fall in love with my personality. I know I'm pretty and all that good stuff, but a boy will only treat you well if he likes being around you. I want someone who aches to be in my very presence.
I can't say I miss any person, because the reality is simply that, too many bad qualities override the good.
D was irritating, and actually quite annoying for me to be around. We believed in two separate things, and our personalities don't intertwine when left alone for longer than 5 minutes.
M and I always argued. All. The. Time. He'd get so upset when I'd be anywhere without him that my social life actually suffered from it. Being with my friends felt miserable because he was constantly being passive aggressive with me when I was. He lied and betrayed me, and possibly cheated on me.
A took things way too fast with me, and scared me off. One thing about having a disorganized attachment style is that too fast and too slow are both recipes for disaster in my head. Illogical, but I can't help the feeling.
I'm thinking, mainly, about D, though.
They were my first ever real relationship. My first real kiss. I remember our first kiss, actually. Like the back of my hand.
Picture this: Silly little band kid with their silly little crush waiting in line for food after half time. Silly little crush steals a kiss on the cheek, and silly little band kid is left completely flustered. Silly little crush does it again, but this time, silly little band kid slyly moves their face just right for an actual kiss.
That's my first kiss story at a school football game in 2019, was it?
Good enough for a 13 year old girl, and a 14 year old person. It was perfect.
In the end I can only look back on these memories in fondness, because my relationship with D is long gone. The love I had may still be somewhere, but it isn't apparent enough to enter my mind anymore.
M hurts to talk about. I feel he was all I talked about and thought about after everything. Maybe it's because I know he hurt me but he's still happy with someone despite the fact I'm alone romantically. Whatever the case may be, I'm tired of thinking about this one. M and I have been split for over half a year and my heart has the tiniest ache over it. That's what I get for being in a 13 month long toxic relationship. Lol.
A only crosses my mind because he was sweet and very very hot. Like insanely.
On another note, I've realized something. I'm not the girl a guy will change for. On every occasion, the things a guy refused to do for me he'll do for another girl after me. Which sucks, but what can you do? Someday I'll meet someone who changes for me. Or maybe won't have to, because he'll already be good.
I kinda wanna try again with D, honestly. It's weird. I still get jealous seeing them with new girls in the halls 2 years later.
Well, my dears, I'm exhausted. Good night.
