It's Cold Upstairs | ✔

(8) Downturn

Oh my god, they did it. They finally did it. I am so furious right now, I can't even—FUCK. Take that, M; you told me I was too chicken to swear. You laughed at me. Well you know what? Fuck you! I was so close to getting invited to that party today, and you just had to go ahead and start making jokes about drunk people, like every normal person knows not to, and you saw how they responded to you, and I just... fuck, M. I'm crying right now. I hope you're happy.

I just wanted to feel normal, okay?

That's all I want. I just want to feel normal for a day. I know you'll never let me feel that way for long. But is one day really too much to ask? Not even one day! Just one evening. I don't care if they do crazy things. Fuck, I don't care if we get arrested. They said the cops have never actually caught them; they all know the escape strategy. L says he's hidden at the bottom of a pool before, and it worked. That's like a badge of honor, right? Nobody would ever call me chicken again.

But no. You just had to go in there and ruin it all.

Fuck you.

Yeah, you can stay upstairs, you fucker. I put an extra lock on the door. If you shut up and stay that way for the night, maybe I'll be in a better mood in the morning and I'll let you out again. You don't need to be out here. You don't need anything.

You're not even supposed to be real.

I remember the first time I met you. You were the part of me that thought things that scared me. I named you. Why are you so fucking hard to get rid of? You're not supposed to be real. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE REAL. Y O U ' R E N O T S U P P O S E D T O B E R E A L ! Ahahahahahahaha! Maybe I'm the one who's going crazy now, if I thought it would be easier to deal with you if I could talk to you directly. But no. You just got worse. Like you were your own damn person, with a mind and a personality and opinions. And now I can't get rid of you. You weren't supposed to be your own person. You weren't supposed to be real.

And now you're taking over my memories, too, aren't you? You're the reason half my elementary school years are hazy, because you took over and—

Oh my god.

You.

You're the reason people look at me this way.

They're not looking at me. They're looking at YOU.

This is all your fault, M. I gave you a name, and you sabotaged me. You're the reason I can't be normal. You're the reason I can't fit in. You're the reason everything is so hard and it never seems to stop, and I never know what to do, but even when I do things, they fail, and that's you, and it's your fault, you I need to go away, and leave me alone, and shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

You're right about some things, and you lord that over me, but you don't get it. Following any of what you say just means making things worse. You want to know why I'm so emotional all the time? Because you never let me have friends! I literally can't make friends because of you. I just want to be normal. You don't care about being normal. You'd rather scare people, you crazy fucker. And those things don't coexist. We can't have both. I can't have both.

You want me to be safe and happy? Then maybe you need to go.

...

Maybe you do need to go.

...

Fuck.

...

I hate you. I hate you, and you're part of me, you are me but not, and I hate you even more for it. You're not who I want to be. And if I had the power to make you... even if you were there already, and I just gave you a name. Maybe I have the power to make you go away again.

Imagine that. No M.

No more worrying about suddenly saying dark things in the middle of a conversation. No more being the "weird one." No more loneliness. No more weird glances. No more secrets that everyone knows but nobody lets me in on.

Just... normal.

Imagine that.

Don't you fucking dare talk to me. I don't care if I listen to you. That's your fault, too. I don't know what you do to me, but it's something, to make me listen and be interested in what you say. I'm not interested. I don't want to be interested. Not when it means looking more like you. You need to stop showing me things, and telling me things, and I don't care if you say you keep us safe, either: I'll keep myself safe. Better yet, I can be a person who doesn't get picked on in the first place. I can be a better person without you.

***

I made another door to the upstairs. Now I don't have to listen to M anymore.

I'll keep them locked up there forever if I have to. If they start talking back or interfering with me again. I can make them obey me. Or at least make them regret it when they don't.

Hopefully they don't find a way out the attic window. There's a window up there, right? I never go up there. It makes my skin crawl. There's a reason I'm downstairs.

Does the upstairs get cold? It isn't insulated. Maybe when winter comes, I can just turn off the heat, and... no. That's cruel. I'm not cruel. That's M's job.

I don't think it gets cold, though. Not while M lives there. Down here doesn't get cold either, so long as I'm here. The power's gone out before, and we were both fine.

You'll just stay locked up for now, M. I'll deal with you later.