Consequences

Chapter 5

The dinner that I'd stuffed up in my stomach was making its way out of my mouth at the sight of the unknown number and the caller ID and my legs sank onto the floor.

My ex was a psychopath, and I have no clue why he had to call me every now and then. Mainly, his talks were all about how much he loved me and I didn't deserve that, not the love that he showed but the things that he did to me.

My dizziness started to hit the surface just as much as my anxiety did. And I closed my eyes, trying to cage the sorrows and traumas that were buried beneath my neutral compose were turned into zombies crawling out of their graves to eat my guts out.

Tears burned behind my closed lids as I tried to keep myself calm, waiting for the call to disconnect.
Just when my phone stopped vibrating, I finally gathered myself enough to just open my eyes and let the pool of tears flow above my cheeks.
I've cried so many times since I was a teenager, but some cries were more painful than others, and this was far more than painful. The controllable shivers and sobs held my body and I couldn't run away from its weight.

I tried to crawl back to my bed but my legs wouldn't work once again.
One call, that's all it takes to ruin someone to their core.

The traumas that my ex gave me were the only memory that I've had in my mind without a hitch of blur. And the other events of my childhood, obviously not the good ones.

My legs were too weak to even gather the strength and bear the weight of my body. Though I still managed to climb up to my bed, which was just a few feet away from where I broke down.

I crawled into my blankets hoping that the demon of my anxiety and panic would pass away eventually.

The whole night, I kept looking at the ceiling and the small alarm clock on my bed stand, hoping that the next day would be better.

The next day the sun shone with a haze of clouds, a typical September weather. The weather was not as chilly, but my poor blood circulation still kept my feet chilly. I went outside my house for a while for a walk or and to brush away last night. I've made my peace with all my trauma and things like such are obviously troublesome for my mental health, but I desperately get the urge to run away from all the unhealed damage that my brain carries.

Being out isn't so bad if you have some company, which I was clearly lacking and the boredom hit me, it convinced me to go to the nearby park.

I mostly carry my pens and some notebooks or journals in a white tote bag that I'd ordered online.
I reached the park which was probably 400 metres away from my house, which isn't so far I presume. I entered the park and saw kids running around to catch the ball they were playing with. Adults were mostly with their significant others and since this was a kids' park, there were parents all around.

I didn't bother looking here and there or grasping the beauty of nature or something, I wasn't really into that shit and since I've visited this park countless times since I was a kid, I didn't have to go around just to check each and every corner to see which flower bloomed today. I chose to sit on my usual favourite bench, which was usually empty for some reason. I wished time to the old couple who are usually taking a walk around this time.

Sometimes I get jealous of the couple because of the love they share and their mini PDA that they present by holding their hands together while crossing the trails of the park.

I saw my bench from the other corner, which was as empty as I thought my soul to be, but at least it had people come over once in a while. I started making my way to the other end while I put my earphones on and called Jared.

He picked up on the second ring, which wasn't surprising because that's what he used to do when things were sorted between us.

"Hey! Sweetie. What's going on." the butterflies in my stomach went wild when I heard him talk like his old self, but I shoved them back into their box to reply to him.

"I'm in the park, trying to freshen my head. What about you?"

Even though he was 300 kms away from me, I could still feel the warmth his presence on the other side was providing. I took one of my journals out and started to scribble down my last night's situation. I hadn't told Jared about it yet because part of me didn't want him to worry, and the other part was scared to open up about anything anymore. I know I'll eventually tell him, but I wanted to be prepared for his reaction beforehand.

The whole afternoon, I talked with the normal Jared and tried to write a mini-memo about the things that were going on.

It was normal after a long week for the first time, and all I could think about was to grasp as much happiness with normalcy as I could.