10 years, to fall in love

Chapter five

I always like to fantasize and imagine things. So fantasizing a future with him also brings me a ton of happy chemicals.

"Have you ever fantasized if we can get together like a real couple?"

" Yes. coming home, seeing you, eating dinner, telling about my day. cuddling on couch, watching something. me taking you out to dinner on a date. buying you whatever you wanted from the menu."

"🥰and u will take me to the us once a year to meet ur parents or we go to China to meet my parents 😅"

"yeah I fantasized about bringing you home to us too, thought about where I'd take you, meet my aunt's alpacas"

The fantasy sounded so beautiful that I almost cried. How I wish it can come true some day.

"I wanna u to take me home to the US to meet yr parents and I hope they will like me, I fantasize you'd propose to me and marry me, have kids with me, at least 3 lol 😂 cuz I love mixed babies, take me to travel in the world, holding my hand and never leave me no matter what happens, nothing can separate us not even death."

I know it probably sounds ridiculous to many people, how can I possibly fantasize of marrying someone who I've never met in real life, but the obsession of Arthur and the infatuation are so strong that I wanna be with him forever.

Arthur is so similar to me, we are of the same personality type: we are both ENTP. Our birthday is only one day apart which makes us both Capricorn. We both love stuffing animals. He's got a ton of stuffing animals at home and I have a rabbit who I've had since primary school and she has followed me from China to the UK to Denmark then now to Sweden. I feel very much attached to stuffing animals cuz I think they have souls in them and we give them soul by loving and caring for them. Arthur tried not to think his stuffing animals with souls and make friends with them when he was little because he thought it's pathetic to be friend with them. Instead, he put them in a circle and pretended they were discussing something in a meeting.

I took up almost entire of his spare time but he didn't mind at all. We got so hooked on each other. We were each other's daily drugs.

It's a very spontaneous decision that my boyfriend demanded me to go back to Sweden in a week.

I told Andrew of me returning and he's surprised that it happened so soon.

We've had some serious talks before my return.

I am probably too young to know what love really is. But I do constantly think of him, I feel very comfortable with him, I can share everything with him, I really admire
him, I want to spend time with him as long as possible, his happiness is mine, so is his sorrow. I don't want to hurt him even though I've already been doing it since I acted on my feelings. I truly want what's the best for him. I know as long as I have a boyfriend, the chance of me being together with Arthur is so slim, but I just can't bring myself to end this virtual affair without feeling extremely hurt and my mental problems can't let me deal with it.

Before my current boyfriend, I had one boyfriend in high school that many would call it puppy love. We'd been dating three months and he dumped me because his grades dropped so that his parents forced him to cut off with me. Since the breakup, I have developed serious PTSD. I couldn't sleep, I dropped out of high school, I thought of killing myself hundreds of times, I was sent to the infamous psychiatric hospital in my home city for treatments. I've long gone over my first ever boyfriend but my mental disorder remains and has evolved into anxiety and OCD. So I can't imagine how bad I'd be if I had to cut off from Arthur. Luckily, I wasn't forced to make a decision at that point.

It's not Arthur's first time to try to push me away because he believes my boyfriend is a better fit for me because my boyfriend can better provide for me and take care of me. He's justified his love for me by waiting for me for two years. I agree with Arthur, but I can't bring myself to end with him, it's too late for me to turn back without deteriorating my mental problems. And I've always been an impetuous person who act on her feelings regardless of consequences.

"And I want to be able to love you unfiltered, unguarded, unafraid. god I want you so bad" he sighed.