One For Three

Chapter 26: State of existential distress [+18]

Porsche's point of view

My body took three days to win the battle against the fever. It was a struggle that took time but eventually came to an end, thanks to someone special. Pete never left my side, as a devoted best friend, he gave me absolutely everything, between meals, accompanying me to showers, spending time with me.

I begin my fourth day in bed, still too weak to move. My scars aren't as deep as they used to be and most of the bruises Kinn's asshole gave me are gone.

Speaking of him, the situation between him and Pete is more than degraded. He tried to come here to apologize to me but do you think Pete let him in? Absolutely not.

Didn't I say Pete would be her Karma? Yes, I said it.

But I would never have thought that Pete would take this situation so personally and I would never have thought either that I would have succeeded in separating them in this way and in such serious circumstances.

I still have a hard time admitting it, understanding what happened and what Kinn did to me. The word rape resonates in my head but I can't grasp it. I don't want to talk about the awful night I spent with Kinn and Pete isn't forcing me.

It's like I was in denial. My brain has obviously concealed the events to preserve me. I have some flashbacks that come back to me but they confuse me more than each other.

My ability to take a step back is also impaired. The act of raping is a despicable and totally repulsive act but...while Kinn was fucking me and he was dominating me...I liked it. It's terrifying, isn't it? What's wrong with me...? Why does being tied up, having been blindfolded, having been penetrated by sex toys, having been burned with wax give me delicious electric sensations throughout my body?

I was not consenting though. I gave in to Kinn because he scared me, that I didn't want to end up with broken bones and possibly death...I shouldn't feel guilty for what happened. It is not my fault. I did not do anything wrong. I defended my people. Kinn is fully responsible for what he did. It's his fault that Pete doesn't want to talk to him anymore.

Nothing is my fault...so why does this feeling of guilt keep sticking to my skin?

Why didn't I have the courage to face him? Why didn't I defend myself? Usually I don't hesitate to stand up to Kinn but this...I didn't.

I may be rid of my fever but I'm not at the end of my pain with my emotional instability of the moment. I no longer know how to react to what is happening to me. My body is out of control. I can't stop new tears from running down my cheeks. My shoulders start shaking again and I let out a sob.

Pete comes running. He seems to have developed a maternal instinct, ready to react to the slightest of my actions. I find him naked, probably about to take a shower. He wastes no time sneaking into my covers to be near me.

- Porsche...what do you have?

I look him straight in the eye and hug him tightly.

- I...can't do anything anymore...why do I feel like I'm out of control? Help me Pete....I...I can't stand myself. I can't stand what Kinn did to me...I feel dirty...

I start shaking like a leaf. Pete sits up and says:

- Porsche...you'll be fine...I'm here...I'm by your side! I'm...(his voice starts to shake.) I'm sorry for everything you're going through...I should have protected you more when I had the chance! I shouldn't have let him come to you...I'm also responsible...

Angry that he thinks that of him, my emotions jostle inside me. I grab Pete's neck and give him a little shake.

- It's not your fault! It's not mine either! You didn't do anything, I didn't do anything, we didn't do anything.