December Stories (A Memoir)

4. NINANG ANONYMOUS

The mythical and astrological explanation to why the whole world is in a financial bind is that it's the Year of the Rat - that is according to my mom.  Since the Rat is often a rodent that lives in the sewers, it represents poverty. Because of its  negative representation, it is expected that everyone on Earth will have their finances go downhill from here.  In a strange way it would somehow explain why the US is having a recession and everybody is, as they say - "naghihigpit ng sinturon."

In our family alone December began in a gloomy note as the initial threat of getting evicted from the apartment during the holidays was looming over the horizon. There were lots of money matters that needs to be addressed and the idea of giving a personalized gift to my friends, this DECEMBER STORIES you hold now, is the product of that brilliant idea. While I was financially challenged at that time, I sure made up with my creativity. 

So as it goes, different December tales and experiences came popping up my mind, as well as inspirations kept coming in my thoughts despite so many not so inviting scenarios.   I was able to see the different strands of tales all weaved this December, as each so-called ordinary experience carry within themselves simple but poignant lessons that I gathered along the way.  One of which, is the story, you are now reading. 

As mentioned, gifts to friends can wait but the gifts to my "inaanaks" or godchildren are of a different case.  I do not think they would appreciate this compilation since they're practically toddlers.  They would want to have gifts and monetary compensation for this holiday season.  I mean, I would, to be honest. 

I wanted to save my "ninang skin" hoping I could wrap the gifts before any of my inaanaks would come. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. Christmas, they say, is for children I made sure that for this Christmas I would save enough money to buy toys for these little ones (included of course, was my budget for my dad's gift and a card for my mom who is in Taiwan).  Come December 25, 2008, these gifts had not been wrapped for my time was occupied by directing the Parish Panunuluyan (Belen Story), but as I was about to cover these joyful gems,  there were domestic obligations to fulfill that my commitment on that day was unprecedented that my being the good "ninang" had to take a backseat most of the time. 

Even with the effort of waking up very early on Christmas Day, the lack of sleep the day before (two separate hours - before and after lunch to accommodate the Church's Nativity Play run throughs), I felt somewhat  lethargic even when bringing my grandmother to the Church at 8:00 am.  

Another familial duty I had to do, is to drop by our maternal ancestral home across our apartment where we live and meet my relatives - the traditional FAMILEE Christmas gathering that I used to avoid because I'm an anti-social kind of person, a self-proclaimed social phobic, or simply I'm an introvert, I used to dread this moment when I became a major recluse.

Usually, what I used to dislike about this gathering is when some relatives would pick on me, and at times their jokes are pretty outdated and simply demeaning.  To further that, some often would verbally point out I am not a good "ninang" is the other reason why I dread these family reunions - I am expected to shower my younger cousins, nieces and nephews monetary "aguinaldo" since I'm already working.  It's really such a pressure when the younger generation expects you to shell out some money when in real life, I only have enough to help my family. 

During the said gathering, I watched one of my aunt give a pair of crispy fifty-peso bill to one of them.  Show-off! I told myself (Just a disclaimer, this was way back 2008 where I'm not close with my relatives, but of course things have changed). As I was watching the scene in front of me, it made me wonder that it is so ironic that our country's economic situation worsened, the higher "Ninangs and Ninongs" or older members of the clan would hand over large amounts of money.  For me P 100 was already big, considering during my time, a twenty-peso bill used to mean the world to us kids during Christmas. 

Times had changed and such irony too, I thought bitterly, obviously envious that some people had money I didn't. 

After the family reunion, I tried my best not to let my observation dampen my Christmas spirit. There was nothing I can do about it, after all.  I needed my money for far more important things - like the rent and food of my family.  I know deep inside I need not feel guilty since times are rough and in order not to torture myself any longer, I stayed only half an hour at my grandmother's house and went home (which was then across the street).

As I arrived home, my gift-wrapping session was interrupted again when my dad asked me to buy a newspaper where he needs to see the winning lottery numbers (my dad by the way was a huge lotto fan). Though I was honestly irked by the so-called disruption, it was a blessing in disguise as it served as a more legitimate excuse to not join the family reunion across the house. With enthusiasm, I bolted out of our home and went out into the streets in search of that daily that has the said lottery numbers. 

It was like looking for a needle in a haystack. Most shops are closed, let alone ones that have newspapers with the lottery numbers on it. I mean who wants to work on Christmas day right?

Most of the time, it's the tabloids that has those information. I had to walk very far in search for that elusive newspaper that had the winning lottery numbers. The longer the better, said the recluse within me, all the more I have reason to avoid people on Christmas day. So trudged on.

Despite the long journey that I took on foot, I had a very interesting walk.

From the house and beyond the Church, the purchase of the newspaper made me witnessed the poor families at the sidewalk. I had some money in my pocket that I was able to give some men who had only newspapers for mattresses on Christmas Eve who were trying their best to make use of the leftovers of somebody else's Noche Buena and wine. To them, I had to give my  remaining P 50.00 bill, as well as my remaining P 10.00 coin to a "taong grasa" when he saw me approached the vagabond quartet. 

As I head home and gave my dad the paper, I felt wonderful and warm inside. One, because despite the financial problems that my family was going through, we still have a house or shelter, food on the table, relatives who care for us, and a family. Though my family isn't complete physically on Christmas day, we were all alive. That made me realize how blessed I am despite of everything. 

Living in La Loma and the Sta. Mesa Heights vicinity, I am exposed to different social classes and I am fortunate enough to be able to mingle with them - from the wealthy to the marginalized. I have always been aware of the social realities of the community, being a Theresian and all, of my society that there are people in need and being blessed to some extent.  I realized I can be an instrument of generosity because in my own small way.  Also to add to that, I need stopped being so negative for there are definitely lives that needed more pity, compassion and help than me. Well, at least, I'll try to be a beacon of generosity. 

Another thing I realized during the walk was, I was so caught with my bad image pf being a non-responsible "ninang" that I forgot that the true essence of being one, It's not the image nor the gift but it is the sincerity  and though that goes to the gift that really matters. Somehow in my own little way, and modesty aside, what I shared to those poor people is in a way a unselfish gesture, right? 

I am not saying, I am a saint, far from it.  What I did for those people on the streets is expected of me being a Catholic and a human being.  Through this it was memorable because I genuinely felt compassion and was utterly moved by a spirit which took hold of me as I unwittingly became the instrument to reenact the selflessness of the Word that was made flesh who was celebrating his birthday (traditionally) that day. 

Yes, I had only had a bill and a coin to give that Christmas Day and I know these people will not only forget me, they technically don't know me, but those things doesn't matter. No amount of recognition is needed nor can ever replace the wonderful feeling of giving of what little I have with a generous heart.  I am Ninang Anonymous but still very fulfilled. Despite my own poverty, I was able to become an unlikely NINANG to these people.