Shrek finds a new love

An unwanted service.

Shreks eyes slowly creep open..
"Where am I?" Shrek mumbles wiping the fresh drool off his face.
He notices 3 blurred figures in front of him.
He wipes his eyes until they focused on what's ahead of him.

"Ooh he's awake" An unfamiliar voice squealed.
"Silence. Don't startle him" Another unfamiliar voice cut in.
"He's kinda cute not gonna lie" A third unfamiliar voice said.

Shreks brown eyes brighten and unblur.
He sees three young witches in front of him
Puzzled he scratches his dandruff covered scalp and just shakes his head.
"Who are you? Where am I" Shrek questions.

One witch who seems more stern then the other two stands up.
"I am Baba and these two are like my witchy sisters. Their names are Tabatha and Luna. We are the witches of the woods who seek for lost people who have lost their loves and we guide them"
"Hehe mainly because we're bored" Luna giggles.

"Yes ever since the ending of the reign of Rumple stiltskin we've been out of a job since we use to deliver potions to him so we've had to result to basically a dating service" Tabatha explains.

Shrek just stares there completely confused. A dating service? Shrek? Absolutely not. He's smoking he doesn't need the pity and help from these three. He licks his chapped licks trying to think of a reply.
"While thank you ladies for your hospitality I don't need a love dating service. I can pull any girl I want" Shrek confidently boasts. He flashes them a subtle smile showing his pearly yellow decaying teeth truly a sight for sore eyes. He winks at Baba and clicks his tongue.

"See ladies I know all the tricks from the book. I'm pretty irresistible"
The three witches just watch in disgust as some green booger looking man attempted to hit them up.

"Find you do you but if you ever have second thoughts here's our business card. Just summon us if you're ready to find a love."

Shrek chuckles as he shoves the card into his pocket. "As if I'll use it. Cya"
Shrek waltzes away proudly while the witches watch him and just shake their heads.

"He's so going to die alone" Tabatha sighs
"Word" Luna laughs.

———
Shrek finally makes it home and millions of thoughts are coursing through his mind.
Did he really need a dating service? Does he really seem that pathetic...
He brews up another bubbling mud bath and waits for it to warm up.
He trims his crusty yellow toe nails and pampers himself up a little.
He hops into his scrumdidlyumptious bath and looks at his reflection.

Shrek winches at what he sees.
Yikes... do I really look that.. that
Shrexy. Shrek smirks at his reflection. How would a lady not like me? He plucks his eyebrows and picks eye ball crumbs from his teeth.
Tonight's the night he goes to the bar and finds a girl.
He hops out of the bath and goes into his humble abode.

He put on his favourite outfit. A crocodile scaled vest and a crusty white stained shirt with brown patchy shorts. He was ready.
This was the perfect outfit. It's what he was wearing when he met Fiona.
Shrek catches a ride on a dragon to the local bar and he takes a deep sigh as he hops off.

He reaches for the door to the bar,
This is it.
It's time.
Let's go pull some ladies .

He enters the bar
———————
I can't write very well but I'm bored so.
Ooooooh will shrek find a beloved?
Find out in like a year when I decide to update this again
Poor shrek all lonely and sad.
Maybe tonight is his night
Or he will use the dating service
Dun dun dunnn