Remembrance

then to now

"there was never
much time to wallow in anything but laughter" (Counting Descent)

i wish this was the way things were
because maybe
if it was,
i'd be okay writing this

because laughter was scarce
and i wish it wasn't the case
because i thought everything was right
i thought i was meant to be afraid
was that not how everyone else felt?

even now, two years past
i'm afraid of you
because if i pass you by
and i'm alone
suddenly that's all that i am

and that's how they know something's wrong
since i don't reach out,
until you. you made me feel as though
if i were left alone, in that moment
i might just drown
and no one wants to drown

i wish i were still able to look back
and see the happy smiles that for so
long i thought were real. but they weren't
and you weren't either. because no one deserves
what you put us all through. everyone should
smile when they look behind them

but i am forever grateful
for the support i found in the oak
trees surrounding me, holding me up
so that i felt i still had a chance, a voice,
amidst all the screaming and the pain
the trees told me to wait for them,
and so i did. i guess that's where my smiles
and laughter and happiness is. i can look
back and remember what they did when no one else
did anything at all.

its funny how you can find familiarity
and even family in the ones
that are further than you ever could've
thought home could be.
because there's more belonging in the trees
almost 4000 miles from the place
your family is meant to belong.
but when they hold more smiles
in the memories and the future
it's worth it
you'd just have to believe me.