How We Match // Hyunlix

One

F E L I X

Felix looks for Hyunjin after. Not immediately after - a long day of more filming follows where they have to switch places a couple of times, coming together in groups of twos and threes, and by the end of it they're all drained and tired.

It seeps into his thoughts slowly as the day progresses, his words to Hyunjin repeating in his head, distorting again and again that by the end of it, Felix is sure he said the wrong thing. (Not sure what exactly, but wrong, wrong nonetheless.) He knows he's too much sometimes. Too blunt, too open. It's then that he thinks of himself as an open wound, raw and gaping, and if he loses focus he's in danger of bleeding on everyone else around him. The other members are used to it, mostly, and they tell him that it's okay, and that they don't mind. But it's clear that it's not always true, so Felix works hard on holding back, and keeping his thoughts in his mouth, chewing on them until they're formed into a shape he can safely share with others. It hurts sometimes, too. To make himself into bite-sized pieces.

"No, I wanted that," Seungmin complains and Felix turns from where he stands in the kitchen at the end of that long day. He finds Seungmin and Jeongin bent over yesterday's heated-up leftovers, fighting over the rest of the Kimbap. Minho sighs with the dramatics of a long-suffering parent and stands up too, evenly dividing the last remaining pieces onto their plates. Seungmin rolls his eyes but doesn't protest, and Jeongin is already digging in. Felix sees the smile curling on Minho's lips and Chan next to Minho sees it too, shaking his head fondly.

"You're alright?" It's Changbin who asks Felix quietly, nudging his shoulder. He's leaning against the counter and looking at the rest of the group at the table as if he's overseeing them, considering them one by one to make sure they're all doing well, or well enough between all the aches and bruises and the fatigue their job brings with it. It's what Chan has always been doing, and Minho too, even though Minho can hide it better. Over the last years though, Changbin had taken to that job. Felix seems to have failed his muster today.

"Anything happen today?" Changbin asks the question as if he already knows the answer and Felix panics for a moment before he remembers that none of them were in the room with him and Hyunjin, so they wouldn't know yet, what he'd said, and how much of a fool he made of himself. Unless Hyunjin said something. "What do you mean?" he asks to buy time.

"You seem off," Changbin tells him bluntly but there's kindness too.

Laughter erupts from the table, and Felix gets more time as they both watch Jisung and Hyunjin double over with laughter, and Felix can't tell what happened, but he can't look away when Jisung holds his stomach and Hyunjin throws his head back so that his hair falls away from his face and the sharpness of his cheekbones becomes more visible. Then Hyunjin looks up, meets Felix's eyes. He looks away so quickly that Felix sees it as a sign, as a confirmation that he indeed had gone too far this morning. "I think I'm just tired after today," Felix lies and curls into Changbin with a half-hug to make his point but also to have someone to hold onto as his stomach twists.

"Okay." Changbin rubs his back and Felix is sure Changbin knows it wasn't the truth but he's not pushing, not today.

From the corner of his eyes, he sees Chan approaching them, an eyebrow raised in a silent question, but Changbin shakes his head once and that seems to be enough of that conversation.

"Go get some food, guys," Chan tells them, patting the small of Felix's back. "Before the vultures have eaten all of it."

So Felix looks for him after dinner when Hyunjin sits by himself on the sofa, scrolling through his phone while the others still argue about something Felix didn't follow in the kitchen. Hyunjin is completely engrossed in his phone, nibbling on his lower lip like he sometimes does when he forgets everything around him.

Felix is nervous the way he only ever is when it comes to Hyunjin. With Chan and Changbin, he knows they will tell him if he fucked up. Jisung, too, will be honest once Felix asks, and they can talk about it. Seungmin and Jeongin are rarely the people Felix says the wrong thing to, and the only times Felix thought he angered Minho, it turned out his hyung had already forgotten all about it.

Hyunjin has always been different in that regard, and Felix is more careful, more mindful around him. As if the stakes are higher. (Felix loves each and every one of them so much, so he can't explain why the thought of angering Hyunjin, losing Hyunjin, makes him panic in a much different way than thinking about losing any of the others.)

Felix sits beside Hyunjin on the sofa, pulling one leg underneath him. He's not immediately curling up to Hyunjin, and that should have tipped Hyunjin off, should have told him something, but Felix is too nervous to see if it did.

"Hm?" He looks up from his phone and smiles like he always does. But it's too quick for Felix, and then his gaze is back on his phone. He's in his dark hoodie, the one he'd gotten just a week ago and shown Felix immediately, excited like a little kid, and he made Felix stick his hand into the sleeve to feel how soft it was from the inside. He wears the hood up which makes him look so vulnerable, softer even, and younger, and all Felix wants is to touch him and put his hand into the hoodie sleeve again, so they can hold hands.

"I wanted to talk to you," Felix murmurs and almost pulls back, almost plays it off as a joke.

Hyunjin looks up.

"Today, during 2 Kids Room, did you-" Hyunjin's wearing ripped jeans with holes over both his knees, and there's a loose thread on his left knee that catches Felix's attention. His fingers find it before he can think or make the decision to touch. "Did you understand me when I spoke English? Did you understand what I said?" Felix pulls at the threat, his fingers dancing on Hyunjin's knee, touching skin, and Felix resists the urge to wrap himself around him and forget his question or better yet the whole day.

Hyunjin nods slowly, his eyes shifting. "Yeah."

He says nothing else, and Felix can't read anything on his face. He sits back, squaring his shoulder. "Okay." Suddenly he wants to look anywhere but him. "So are we- was that okay? Are we okay?" Felix unravels. He has gone too far, been too honest, and he knows that now, so he half expects Hyunjin to be angry or worse, show pity or laugh at it, laugh at Felix's words, which he has never done before. But Hyunjin had met his eyes earlier in the kitchen and looked away so quickly, and they hadn't talked much all day so it must mean something.

Seconds tick by and dread pools low in Felix's stomach.

"Yes, of course," Hyunjin finally says, voice small, and Felix feels like crying. He doesn't believe him.

"Okay?" Hyunjin asks, his phone now abandoned, and his focus fully on Felix, like he's studying him, looking where the question is really coming from.

"Yes, yes. Okay, good." It's not good but Felix doesn't find it in him to say more, he needs to think about this, needs to put his thoughts into a clear order. (I can always think too serious about you) He pats Hyunjin's knee and gets up, his whole body somehow empty now and feather-light, and he stumbles out of the room.

Minho checks up on him later, when the guys have left for their dorm, and Hyunjin is no longer in the other room, but Felix pretends to be asleep, even though he doesn't sleep much at all that night.