How We Match // Hyunlix

Eleven

H Y U N J I N

Chan has a rule regarding his room, long-established in the old dorm where he didn't even have a room for himself. The rule is that whenever Chan is home, the door to his room is open, and everyone's allowed to approach him. If the door is closed, which happens rarely because Chan usually makes sure to do his work in the studio, there's no barging in, no calling out, not even knocking. A closed door means either important work, a live stream, or a private conversation with someone. If someone needed him, they would have to text him and then wait patiently for Chan to let him know when to come in.

Chan is home today, the second night in a row, and Hyunjin is - also the second night in a row - walking past his open door, itching to go inside, but in the end deciding against it. He goes back to his own room, and tries painting or writing or reading, only to come back out with a halfhearted excuse to get something to drink or a snack or use the bathroom. And then he would slow his steps again by Chan's room, his heart beating fast and relentless when he decides that this time for real, he's going inside.

"What's going on?" It's Jisung who asks him, catching him the third time he's doing it. His voice is soft, low, and concerned.

Hyunjin feels caught. "Hm? Nothing?"

Jisung sighs and now he looks disappointed. "When did you start lying to me?" he whispers and walks past him before Hyunjin can even react.

Hyunjin doesn't know why he does it. Lying to Jisung. Why he can't bring himself to speak to Jisung of all people, who would understand all of it. He did think of it, many times in fact, but every time his throat closes up just at the thought. It's fear, he knows that, irrational fear, but it's fear all the same.

"Hyunjinnie?" Chan calls him and he must have finally seen him hovering outside his room. "Wanna come in?"

Hyunjin wonders if he's asking because he knows something is up, or if he simply wants Hyunjin to spend some time with him. But suddenly, Hyunjin is stepping through the door and then he's inside Chan's room, and he's nervous, even though he's not even decided on anything.

Chan sits at his desk, his laptop and all his other tech spread around him, obviously hard at work. Hyunjin opens his mouth to make up an excuse, seeing that he's intruding, but Chan must sense it because he waves him further in.

"Sit down man, you're making me nervous when you pace through the house like that."

Hyunjin doesn't rebuke his words, but he does what he's asked and flops down on Chan's bed, back to the headboard, and he pulls out his phone, just to have something to play with.

Chan looks at him expectantly. "Anything on your mind?"

Hyunjin shakes his head. Now that he's in here, he doesn't know how to start or if he wants to start or - and his mind keeps circling back to that too - is not even sure if there's even something to start in the first place.

The look on Chan's face says that he knows that just as well. But he graciously lets it go and turns back to his laptop.

Hyunjin relaxes just a little. This is familiar, spending time together while each of them is focused on their own thing. So Hyunjin unlocks his phone and scrolls through social media, through bubble, and then opens a game. The game though makes it worse, giving him room to think rather than distracting him, so he eventually puts his phone down again.

Hyunjin feels small suddenly, and paper-thin in a way that has nothing to do with his body. He pulls his legs towards him and wraps his arms around them, letting his head fall back against the headboard. Chan doesn't see, because he's too focused on the screen in front of him, furrowing his brows and biting his lips, and Hyunjin watches him as if he too is behind a screen, distant and unreal.