I sit infront of my apartment, I just cussed out Wilbur and told him that I hated him. What's wrong with me? I keep having these strange mood swings, sort of. If you could call it that. I'll have times where I feel so happy and then suddenly i feel angry, and then I feel sad. And then I just feel numb.
Right now I just feel numb, but also terrible.
But I also don't know how to make things right,
I'm sorry
I send. I sent Wilbur a message as I sat on the door mat in front of my apartment door. I wasn't going inside until I made things right, if I go inside everyone I love will die.
Do you not remember the things you said to me? I don't think a simple 'I'm sorry' is going to fix it.
Tears pooled in my eyes as I read that.
I genuinely didn't mean a single word I said, I didn't mean to say any of it, it came out and I couldn't stop it. But he just won't understand if I explain it.
I know I said messed up things. And I genuinely didn't mean it, the words just wouldn't stop coming out and I don't know where they came from and I just couldn't stop them. I truly am sorry and I know your not going to forgive me and it's okay I just want you to know that I'm sorry and I'll do whatever I can to fix this.
The tears stream down my face as I hit send, I want to say more but he won't understand.
Whatever Tommy, you do this all the time. You get mad at every little thing and then you act like you can't control it. Just admit that you have anger issues. Idc that your sorry because you actually really hurt my feelings, so apology denied, goodnight.
I don't have anger issues. I truly can't control what comes out of my mouth when the stupid mood swings come in.
I don't have anger issues. I'd try to explain it but you wouldn't understand. But it's okay that your mad, you have every right to be mad. Sorry, goodnight, sweet dreams.
My hands start to shake as I wait for a response.
Fuck off tommy.
That failed. Now I can't go inside, I can't go into my house until it's resolved, I might be out here for a while.
I stand up and put my key in my back pocket, I walk down the steps of the apartment building and I walk onto the streets, it was 11:00pm, I still had a while until tommorow.
I watch my feet as I walk across the sidewalk, I cringe as my foot touches the crack. I walk backwards so I can re do it and not step on the crack.
I succeed and not touch the crack, a smile rushes over me.
I step into a gas station and buy a water, I was dying of thirst in the heat wave we were having, and it was night.
I walked and walked the streets until I didn't even know where I was. The sky was starting to become light and the air was getting thicker.
I pulled up Apple Maps so I could get home.
I was 6 hours walking distance away.
Lord this is gonna be an excruciating walk home.
I was drenched in sweat as I finally made it back home. But then I realised I still couldn't go inside.
I sat infront of my door as I cried. I had to fix this, I just wanna go inside.
What can I do to fix this?
I sent hoping I could get a response.
But after 10 minutes I had no hope left.
Hope is just a 4 letter word.
I decided to text Phil, I'm so confused on how I'm feeling, maybe he can help. He's had a lot of life experience.
Phil can I ask you a question
Sure mate what's going on.
I feel super weird. Like one minute I'll feel really happy and then I'll feel angry and then sad and then I won't feel anything all in like the span of 10 minutes and I can't control anything I say when I get mad and I flipped out on Wilbur last night and I said some really bad things and I couldn't help it though because it just came out and I couldn't stop it. And when I got home I felt really guilty and he isn't going to forgive me and I keep on having these weird voices in my head telling me that if I don't do this something really bad is gonna happen. I can't go into my house until the whole issue is resolved, and if I do everyone I love is going to die. So I have to stay out here. And I don't know what to do because I don't know how to fix things and I don't wanna loose my best friend because I said things I have no control over.
