11:11

touch

t.w: sexual assault

i've held many hands. i've had them card through my black hair, i've had them pull me into dark rooms, i've had them guide me through crowded avenues. i've held hands under tables, smiling lovishly above them. i've held hands across tables, listening sympathetically, comforting endlessly. i've had hands on my body, and i've put my own on others. touch is glorious when you want it.  

it's a nightmare when you don't. 

what do you do when you say no, over and over again, voice choking, eyes tearing up, but heavy hands only get heavier, more demanding. what do you do when it happens more than once? what do they say? hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me. shame, shame, 

shame. 

i spent summer of 16 drowning in an ocean of shame. 

i saw skeletons there, i saw immortal jellyfish, i saw the remnants of life. i watched a movie once, and a man was drowning. the water around him was green like 

envy. seaweed was wrapped viciously around his legs. 

i don't remember if he died by drowning, but i remember how i felt when i watched that scene. and i remember how i felt in summer of 16. 

touch can be blue and cool (open seas) or it can be green and lacivious (polluted ponds). i'm thinking of water 

because i tried to wash the shame off of me many, many times. can you do that? can you wash a memory off of you? i know that the skin forgets 

- in millions of increments, rape sheds itself off of you. 

but you always remember. the memory of touch - 

glorious or not. 

and it never gets less harrowing. you just get better at distracting yourself. write, 

watch a movie, 

call a best friend, 

take a shower, 

eat some chocolate,

 read a book you love. 

make so many memories that the bad ones get lost in the stack somewhere. hold new hands, even if it makes your body seize up. be careful, 

be with your friends. 

don't slap away an innocent touch, a loving one. or 

do. 

you don't have to be sensible anymore. all sense was lost when you were touched, and you said no, and it didn't 

stop.