Lisa
When I left work that day, I was in a full blown panic, so I did the only logical thing when I had no idea what to do: I called my mom.
FaceTime rang a few times before my mom answered.
"Hi sweetheart, how are you?" my mom said when she answered the phone.
"Mom, I can't see you. The phone is too close to your face."
"Oh well, hang on sweetie. I just can't..." My mom pulled her camera away from her face and she blinked at the screen. "Well, I just can't see you now can I? I can't find my damned glasses so I have to hold everything up close to read. You wouldn't understand with your young eyes."
"Mom, I wear glasses."
"Well, wait until you're my age!"
"Mom, your glasses are on your head."
My mom patted the top of her head. "Well, I'll be damned that they are there." She put her glasses on. "Well look at that! I can see you now."
"Wow. It's a Christmas miracle." I muttered.
"Well, alright smart ass. How are you? You never call your mother anymore. Do you not love us anymore?"
"Mom! I literally spent five days with you last week at Thanksgiving."
"But you never call."
"Oh my God, mom."
"Your sister calls me every day you know? She obviously loves me more."
"She calls you to tell you what she ate for lunch." My mom gave me a look. "Okay mom. I'll call you more. You know I love you."
"Oh I love you too sweetheart. So how are you? How is Jin?"
"Jin is good. I'm... well... I've been better. I need advice."
"Well, you've come to the right place. I have years and years of experience. Now is this about a girl? I can't give you great advice, because you know I married your father, but I might be able to help. You know I dabbled a bit in college and..."
"Oh my God mother! No. No. Stop. I don't need that kind of advice."
"I'm just saying that if you..."
"Thank you mom! Moving on."
"Okay, okay I'm listening honey." I explained my predicament to my mom. "Well, you have really mucked this one up, haven't you?"
"Thanks for reminding me. What do I do?"
"Well, honey that's a tough one. And you've asked everyone?"
"Yeah, I've asked all my friends, all of Jin's friends, the barista at Starbucks. I'm out of options."
"Explain to me why you can't just say that your girlfriend couldn't make it and you just go without her?"
"Because Mom! Then she wins!"
"Strange hill to die on, but okay." My mom thought for a moment, mumbling out loud as she did so. "What about... no, she'll be out of town. Or I could call... nope, that won't work. Hmmm... have you asked Jin's sister? You've told me before that you think she's hot. Ask her."
"Mom! I swear to God! Never repeat that! Especially not in front of her."
"Well, I'm sorry I didn't know that I wasn't allowed to bring it up."
I passed a hand over my face in exasperation.
"You tell your mother that a girl is hot and you'd think that you would want to talk about it, you know, like how your sister talks to me about boys, I thought we could talk about girls."
"I, under no circumstances, want to talk about Jennie. Ever."
"Jeez, you think I'd killed the Pope or something. Sheesh."
"You're killing me, Mom."
"Speaking of Jennie, did you invite them over for Christmas yet?"
"Yes Mom. Remember when I told you that they couldn't come over for Thanksgiving so you made me invite them to Christmas?"
"Well, did you?"
"You were there when I did."
"Well, I can't remember these things."
I sighed and wondered why I thought it would be a good idea to ask my mom for fake dating advice.
"So you're going to ask Jennie to be your fake girlfriend for the night? You two would be very cute together, you know."
"Oh my God, Mom. You have to stop. When they come over for Christmas you cannot, under any circumstances, mention that I said Jennie was hot... it's just that one time."
"She's not a lesbian right? Why can't she know? I bet she'd love the compliment."
"Okay, great talk Mom. I love you, bye!"
"Are you going to ask Jennie to be your date?"
My mom was saying as I hung up on her. She tried to call me back and I ignored her, so she barraged me with texts, that I also ignored. This was an absolute disaster.
