Lisa
It was New Year's Eve and I had no plans.
Yesterday, before Jin left and we'd exhausted our conversation about my failed relationship with Jennie, he tried to convince me to go to a party with him tonight. I refused. He changed tactics and offered an evening at Alice's. I refused again. I told him that I wasn't in the mood. I especially didn't want to be surrounded by kissing couples at midnight and be reminded of my failed love life.
I was also sure that I would suck any happiness out of any party that I attended, with my damper presence.
Before Jin left, I'd also begged him not to talk to Jennie, to just let things be. He looked at me, begging me with his eyes to let him try to help, to fix it. I told him no. It wasn't his mess to fix; I didn't want him in the middle of whatever this was. I also had to admit that I loved Jennie so much that if she didn't want anything to do with me, that I had to be okay with that, however long it took. I had to be okay with whatever she wanted.
Jin tried to argue with me, tried to tell me that Jennie didn't know what she wanted, that she wasn't thinking clearly, that this fear that consumed her was what ended things with me, not Jennie.
I told him that it didn't matter. I told him to leave it be. With a sigh of defeat, he agreed and left my apartment sometime around midnight.
I didn't sleep.
I still hadn't heard from Jennie and I told myself that I had to just accept whatever this was and move on. Jin, however, was insistent and wouldn't stop harassing me, convinced that he could somehow to get me to leave my house.
Jin: Please come over.
Me: No.
Jin: Please I don't want to spend New Year's alone.
Me: You won't. You have parties to go to.
Jin: I don't want to go without you. I've bought a ton of stuff for us to have a party here, just the two of us. Jennie won't be here, she has a work thing.
Me: You come over here.
Jin: No offense but your apartment is a depressing mess. You need to leave your apartment and get out. Come over. Everything is set up. I have champagne and cookies. Your favourite.
Me: Jin, no. I don't think Jennie will appreciate me being there.
Jin: She won't be home!
Me: She has to come home eventually right?
Jin: Fine then leave at 12:01. She'll be at the work thing until at least then, she'll have to drive back. So you won't even see her.
Me: Just come over here.
Jin: Jennie is taking the car.
Me: Then I'll come get you.
Then Jin called me and I groaned when I answered.
"Please come over."
"No."
"Please, Lisa."
"Why is it so important to you that I go over?"
"Because I care about you and you need to get out of your apartment."
We went back and forth like that for a while, but eventually Jin won. I showered and dressed in comfortable leggings and sweatshirts; I wasn't trying to impress anyone. I looked at myself in the mirror and contemplated throwing on makeup because I still looked like absolute shit, but decided against it; it was just Jin. He already knew that I looked like I wanted to die.
I drove to his apartment through the snow and quickly ran up to his door. I paused for a moment outside of it, with my knuckles hanging over the door. I wanted to knock. I knew Jennie wasn't home, but it didn't feel right using the key anymore. I didn't feel like I belonged here anymore; this wasn't my home.
I finally knocked and Jin answered the door with a bright smile. He was all dressed up.
"Wow, I didn't realise we were getting fancy tonight."
"I wanted to look nice."
I rolled my eyes and walked inside, kicking off my boots.
"I realised I just forgot the champagne." Jin said.
"Are you kidding me?"
"I'll be right back, I'm just going to run to the store down the road. Do you need anything?"
"I'll come with you."
"No, no. Just stay here and make yourself comfortable and I'll be back soon."
I sighed and sat on the couch. I looked around at all of the Christmas decorations and it reminded me of Jennie. The entire apartment reminded me of Jennie and I questioned why I even accepted this proposal, this was so stupid. If I couldn't stare at a picture of her on my desk, what made me think that I could be in her apartment. I guess I would have to get over this, if I wanted to continue to be friends with Jin.
I looked down the hall and wanted to go into Jennie's bedroom to be close to her, to allow myself to let go, to say goodbye properly. I shook my head; I was being way too weird.
Twenty minutes later, the apartment door opened and I stood up to help Jin with whatever he was carrying, but it was not Jin at the door. It was Jennie.
My heart stopped beating in my chest, my stomach dropped, and I felt cold panic flood through my veins. I was at a loss for words.
She looked gorgeous.
I wasn't supposed to be here.
"I'm sorry." I finally managed to stutter. "Jin told me that you wouldn't be home. I... I'm really sorry. I'll go. Just tell him that... sorry."
I scrambled to kick on my boots. My heart pounded in my chest against a tight grip. I couldn't breathe and I knew that I was moments away from crying. I had to get out of here. I couldn't be in the same room as her. How was I ever supposed to get over this?
"You don't have to go." Jennie said. She sounded tired, not at all the voice I was used to, the voice of over confidence and jest. The voice that always seemed to have a smile behind it, even if she was exasperated with me.
"No, this is your apartment. I need to leave. I'm sorry."
I stood up and pulled on my heavy coat and scarf. Jennie watched me. I stared back at her. The usually lithe intelligence behind those eyes was gone. She looked tired.
"Are you okay, Lisa?" she asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I tried not to look at her anymore but my eyes kept bouncing back to hers before I quickly looked away. My heart was crumbling all over again.
I walked up to the door to leave, but Jennie was still standing there, with her grocery bags in hand. It didn't at all seem like she was planning to leave tonight; she wasn't even wearing makeup.
What the hell Jin?
Jennie's eyes searched my face. I looked away. I felt the tears bubbling again. I knew how I looked.
"Lisa, are you sure that you're okay?"
"You don't have to worry about me." I said with a smile that I didn't feel. "That's not your responsibility anymore, okay?"
Jennie stared at me, with her jaw fused.
"I'm sorry I intruded. I know that you don't want to see me and you won't after today. This was a mistake, I'm sorry about it. Jin told me that you wouldn't be home."
"It's not that I don't want to see you, Lili."
Lili. I didn't want her calling me that. I couldn't have her calling me that. I put up my hands as if to offer some sort of buffer between us. "It's okay. You don't have to explain yourself."
We stared at each other for a moment. Jennie's eyes glassed over.
"I'm sorry." she whispered.
"You don't have to apologise to me. You don't owe me anything. Seriously, I'll leave. I need to leave."
