Lisa
I made it into work on Wednesday. Whatever Jackson had told everyone seemed to help, because they all offered me sympathetic looks and kept their distance.
"Thank you." I said to Jackson when I sat down.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like shit."
"You look it."
"Thanks."
"Let me know if you need anything."
"Thanks."
Nancy kept her distance and I was happy for that, but I still had this small part of my pride that wouldn't let me stash those photos of Jennie in my desk even though it was painful to look at them. I didn't want Nancy to know anything about Jennie and I. I didn't want her to suspect anything was wrong. I didn't want to believe anything was wrong and some small part of me felt that once I removed the photos, it really was over.
I decided to stare at the pictures of us and expose myself to the pain, hoping to numb it. That's how I spent my entire eight hour day and by the end of it, looking at the pictures hurt just as much at the end of the day as they did at the beginning. I'd accomplished nothing.
When I got home I had a missed call from Jin. I supposed that because I had so many unanswered texts from him that he was resorting to calling me. I couldn't remember a time that we'd gone a day without texting, even if it was only to ask how our day was.
By the time I woke up on Thursday morning, I had ten missed calls from him. But still, I couldn't bring myself to speak to him. I couldn't bring myself to speak to anyone but Jackson because he felt like the only safe person to speak to. Jin reminded me of Jennie and, at least for the time being, I couldn't separate the two and it was just too painful to speak to him.
I was thankful that Friday was a holiday, because today was another unproductive and difficult day at work and I didn't know if I could swing another day at work on little sleep and food. I stared at the pictures of Jennie more but it didn't help. When the day ended, Jackson wished me a Happy New Year when I gathered my things to leave. He walked with to the door.
"Any plans for tonight?" he asked.
"A date with my couch and 'The Office'."
"You're not going to do anything?"
"No, I'll keep my depressing self to myself."
"We're having a small party at my place tonight. Do you want to come?"
"I guess I can't use my girlfriend with unusual work hours to get out of this one, can I?"
Jackson laughed. "No, not this time. But you do know you can say no just because you don't want to go?"
"I wish I would have learned that lesson before all this."
Jackson gave me his number and told me to text him if I changed my mind and wanted to get out of the house. I accepted his phone number but knew that I wouldn't text. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to be depressed all by myself.
I drove home in silence. I couldn't listen to music, somehow it all upset me and made me cry, even the happy stuff. I hopped out of my car and pulled my coat around me tighter, colder than ever. I hiked up the stairs to my apartment and stopped mid-step. When I got home, Jin was standing at my apartment door.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"You wouldn't answer your phone."
"Yeah, I, uh..."
"I was worried sick about you."
"Jin, I'm sorry I just..." I sighed. "I don't feel like talking right now."
"Too bad." Jin grabbed the keys from my hand and let himself into the apartment. I sighed and followed him. My hollow shell of a person didn't have the energy to fight him.
I collapsed on the couch and leaned my head back, closing my eyes. I had a headache that had been my constant companion these last few days. It was probably my body begging for food, for sleep, but these weren't things I was able to give. Everything hurt, everything ached, everything sucked.
"What's going on?" Jin asked, settling on the couch next to me. He rubbed my arm like he always did when he knew I needed to be comforted. This time it didn't help.
"Jennie hasn't told you?" I asked, eyes still closed, the throbbing in my head pounding like a drum.
"Jennie hasn't said one word to me since Sunday. The minute she gets home from work, she goes straight to her room and locks the door. She's also been staying at her office until eight, nine o'clock at night now, which is way worse than before. And now you're ghosting me. What's going on?"
I felt something break inside of me knowing that Jennie was hurting too. I realised it didn't matter that she was the one to push me away and hurt me; I hated knowing that Jennie was indulging in self-destructive behaviour, working longer hours and isolating herself and for what? What was all of this about? She finally was letting go of everything, that tight fist was loosening its grip, but suddenly all of the progress was lost and the pattern of cataclysmic behaviour became worse.
Jennie turned her back on me, and on everything.
"What is going on, Lisa?" Jin asked. He scanned my face. "You look like shit."
"Thanks." I said, the usual bite of sarcasm absent from my voice.
"Did something happen between you two?"
"Yes, but I couldn't tell you what."
"What does that mean?"
"Jin, Jennie is your sister and I just... I don't know if it's best for you to get in the middle of this."
"I want to figure out something because from the looks of it, you're both miserable."
