Lisa
Jennie moved aside slowly, with her tired eyes following me. I leapt at the door. I grabbed the handle and twisted, but something in me paused. I turned my head slightly, looking at her from the corner of my eye. I couldn't face her head on, but I had to know, I had to know what happened if I ever had any hopes of moving on.
"Can you.... can you please tell me what I did wrong?"
Jennie's eyes searched my face. I didn't know what she was looking for; I didn't have any answers.
"Please? Can you tell me what I did. I can't... this not knowing is killing me. Maybe if you told me what I did, what went wrong, then I'll be able to move on. I just need some closure. Please. Then I'll stay away. I promise you. I won't come by the apartment anymore. I just need... something to move on."
Jennie was crying now. silently. Suffering. Always suffering in isolated silence. Tears rolled down her cheeks.
"Lili." she said.
"Please, please don't call me that."
Jennie squeezed her eyes shut like I'd just hit her.
"Please, Jennie, just tell me what I did. That's all I need."
"You didn't do anything. You're perfect."
I shook my head, but Jennie continued after swallowing down what seemed like a soul-tearing sob of her own.
"Lisa, you're perfect. Your family is perfect. Your life is perfect. I'm not. I'm none of these things. I don't... I can't... God. I'm in love with you. It's so all consuming. I adore you. I can't stop thinking about you and your family and this holiday. I loved every second of it. I haven't had a Christmas like that in over ten years. I've tasted what it is like to have a family. It felt so good and I felt so whole again." Jennie paused to blink back tears and take several deep breaths. "I can't have that taken away from me. What if we stay together and in a month, six months, a year, ten years, and you decided that you don't want me anymore? What if you decide that this isn't what you want?" Jennie couldn't hold back her tears and with each word she spoke, they came down like rain. "I can't have a taste of a family again, then only to have it ripped away from me. I couldn't... I can't live through that again. I just can't. I can't risk that for myself. I can't lose everything, not again."
I blinked. There were tears running down my cheeks too. I didn't know when I started crying.
"It's just... it's better this way. It's better if we don't get too involved. It's better if we just keep whatever friendship we had. It will be better for both of us. Lisa, you're beautiful and wonderful and you deserve someone who isn't afraid of the future. You deserve someone who will dive headfirst with you and never look bad. I can't do that. I can't be that type of person for you."
Somehow, Jennie talking about what we deserved snapped me from my silence stupor.
"I don't fucking care about who you think I deserve! You're pushing me away because of one stupid scenario?"
"It's not one scenario, it's many. It's all the things that could possibly go wrong in our relationship."
I laughed sardonically. "Possibly!? You're worried about all the possibilities!? What about what we have? What about what you said to me? You told me that you loved me."
Jennie swallowed and nodded. "I do love you."
"Can't that be enough?"
Jennie stood there frozen and slowly, she shook her head. I looked at her and I weighed all the options in my head and the idea of losing her forever tore at my insides and made me want to scream.
"Your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet. Once you meet her, you'll forget all about me." Jennie promised me.
"How could I forget about you? Jennie, I love you. I know you love me too."
"I know it doesn't make sense right now, but..."
"But nothing, Jennie. I love you!"
"Lisa, you don't understand..."
"I understand perfectly! You're scared of losing a family. You're scared of losing another family and I get that but the Jennie whom I know has never let fear dictate her life before and I don't know why you're letting it do so now. What are you going to do? Fall in love over and over and over and push whoever it is away, when things get too serious because you'll be scared to lose them?"
Jennie shook her head. "I don't care about... I wouldn't care about someone like that. Not anymore. You're... you're it for me. I can't go through this again."
"It's just me? You're worried about losing me? My mom? My nieces?"
"This is the closest thing to a family that I've ever had and I don't want to have to live with losing that again, Lisa, even if that means being alone. It's easier for me."
"You won't! God, Jennie, do you think for even a minute that if... God forbid... something went wrong in our relationship, that my family would abandon you? Forget about you?" Jennie didn't speak. "And for God's sake, Jennie, what are you imagining is going to go wrong? We've known each other for three years! We've seen the worst of each other already. What surprises are you expecting here? You've seen me at my worst already. You've seen me here falling apart before. You're seeing me now, absolutely broken." I shook my head. "I never would have thought you would let your own fear control you. That's not the Jennie that I know."
"Maybe you don't know me at all."
I laughed humourlessly. "If you want to tell yourself that to make yourself feel better, then fine. But you and I both know that I know you. I know the real you. I know the you that took care of your brother for years. I know the you that put yourself through law school. I know the you that will let my nieces braid your hair and sled with them. I know the you that loves Christmas and snow and cheesy movies.I know the you that loves your brother more than anything else in this world. I know the you that loves sweets and having pyjamas days and loves the rain. I know the you that can't sleep in, that loves going to bed early, and has to have her bed made a certain way. I know the you that hates her kitchen being dirty. I know the you that wants somebody to listen, to wait, to care enough to pay enough attention to you to notice all of these little things about you, like how you think you have to do everything alone and fight anyone every step of the way until that person finally breaks through and shoulders some of your burden. I know all of you. Everything. I know that it scares you, that someone else besides Jin could possibly care about you like this, could know you like that, but you have to let someone in. You can't live a life in isolation, Jennie, it will kill you. I know that you're worried, but there isn't one aspect of you that scares me, that I dislike, that I'm not all in for. Look at me. You know when I'm lying, when I'm being dishonest. Look at me and tell me that I'm lying to you."
Jennie stood there, silent, with tears still streaming down her cheeks.
"I told you that I loved you and I meant that, Jennie. I didn't just mean I love you conditionally. I didn't mean that I will only love you if everything is perfect. I know that there will be bad days, I know a relationship is work and just because it's easy right now doesn't mean it always will be, but Jennie I love you. For me this isn't some game or some passing feeling. This love for you isn't fleeting. It's deep, it's personal, and it's all consuming. I'm not going to leave you. I'm not going to grow tired of you. I love you endlessly." Then I started to cry and I whispered to her. "I will always love you, despite what happens. This is stupid, I know it is, but I just... I know you. I know you're it. I know you're the one I want to be with, even if it has only been ten days, I've known you for three years and maybe it's only been the last ten days that I've known that I've loved you, but it's always been there. I won't get over you. I can't. I just... I love you Jennie. I love you. I love every part of you and nothing scares me, nothing makes me want to turn away. And, God, I wanted to fight you. I want to fight for you so badly. I want to scream in your face and tell you how stupid you are. If I could stand here all night and tell you all of the reasons that I love you, all of the reasons why you should choose us, I would."
I took a deep breath and watched Jennie, who still stood there, silent, with tears rolling down her cheeks.
"I think I've overstayed my welcome." I said. "I want to respect you and what you want, but please know that I don't want to leave. I never wanted to leave. I want you and you're all that I'll ever want. You're all that I've ever wanted and I would never let you lose your family again."
