FakeKouji

𝐒𝟑𝐂𝟏4: 𝐋𝐞𝐭 𝐦𝐞 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡

Every second after my confession I held my breath waiting for an answer and once I got one, I started suffocating.

The door slammed shut as my ' friend's ' withdrawing silhouette left me with my thoughts. My knees couldn't carry my weight anymore and I fell down on the ground with my knees banging on the cold hard floor below me as I was crestfallen from the deadpan rejection. The pain seared through my legs but it was nothing compared to the words that Kiyotaka said to me that caused my heart to beat out of my chest.

I took in deep breaths as my body started feeling hot even when the fan was on. This suffocation was unreal and quite different from anything I have felt in quite a while. Usually the day before exams in middle school, I used to feel a milder form of this. This time though, it was just unbearable. I tried to get up but felt myself being dragged down. Logically, it was the pain in my knees which caused this yet my mind was not ready to accept anything logical. I had no will, to accept anything at this moment.

I have been thrown away like a rag doll more times than I could count in my sweat-covered hands. Though there was a stark difference, I had one thing which saved me and that was my belief in my innocence. I always had my shell to run back to, which would echo just one chant

'It's not my fault. They don't deserve me.'

However, this time Kiyotaka had come and broken that shell and ripped me off it's remaining pieces due to the extreme guilt I had burdened me earlier. And this single rejection along with the truth that he had spat on my face had shaken me and with no place to hide. This was something illogical, which I couldn't yet find a path out of. Did I run through the ends of my heart, trying to find out why? I had lost my rationale and all left was just a plethora of emotions. This time, the tables had turned...

'It's all my fault. I don't deserve him.'

With every passing second, I was getting overwhelmed by emotions as my cloudy eyes started forming tears without an end in sight. It felt as if an ocean of haphazard circumstances had swept me off my feet when I came face to face with him. Though there was something eating me up in the back of my head. Why do I feel a sense of failure rather than a feeling of loneliness? Isn't it strange? Maybe it's just me but why though?

It didn't make sense as I continued to pitifully and quietly weep in my misery. I held onto the hard mattress of my bed and pushed myself up to wash off my face as a melancholic expression etched my paled visage. Why was I so unworthy? What did I do wrong? Why am I so ugly inside?

I looked at the mirror as I couldn't face my own disgusting reflection.