betwixt - enhypen

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐢𝐯𝐞: 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬

after seemingly not being able to stay out of his path, jake was right in front of the door as joori entered, causing her to hit him with the door.

"oh my god, i am so sorry," she apologised over and over, hands grasped together and bowing in respect.

fucking bitch was all she heard as she saw him leave to sit down. jake had never been so underhandedly mean before. it was just plain cruel how he treated her. part of joori didn't know what to say, the other part of joori knew exactly what she wanted to say to him (just not how to). she hid her head from his gaze, feeling the tension spike across the room. if she touched him again, she felt he would explode, and everyone knows what happens when you're too close to an explosion.

worried that another moment like that would happen again later, she decided to make her way once again to the back of the lecture room, where she could hide, away from him. she spotted a familiar leather jacket, and sat in front of it, so the owner would be aware of her presence. she didn't want to disturb him, since she guessed he was probably tired, and perhaps more likely, she was trying not to piss anyone else off.

jay noticed her right away, and decided to play a game of how long until she started the conversation which lasted until almost the end of class, until joori's computer ran out of battery, when she leant back and gave him puppy eyes as he gave her his charger.

maybe that doesn't count, he said to himself. taking grace on her, he realised that the game he was playing was juvenile. if joori needed him, he'd let her come to him. maybe not with open arms, but certainly with open ears, and an everlastingly gentle heart.

moreover, jay was still annoyed at her for interfering with his daily routine, and felt annoyed by her constant need for his attention. he felt overwhelmed by her bright energy, and drained whenever they hung out. still, he felt a brotherly instinct to take care of her, especially after she had seen how venomous jake had been the first time they met.

joori didn't ask jay to spend time with her today, nor did jay either. joori had an aura of aloofness that day, and jay didn't pry, nor did he want to. he knew that joori wasn't okay all by herself from that day onwards.

sure, joori was irritating, and her persistence only likened her to a cockroach that would never die. jay could keep his distance, a safe distance from her whirlwind of a personality, while still watching over her.

the next day, joori got herself up and ready to clean her dorm; it had been a mess all week and she had nothing better to do. with her computer streaming tomorrow x together's latest comeback, she vacuumed and swept until content. clothes had been piling up all week, and dishes that she had yet to wash filled the sink. it looked as if she had been there for much longer than she had, and after hours of housework she managed to control her own mess.

singing her heart out at cringy lyrics, and rewatching her faves as they did the killing parts, joori reminisced, as she sat with one of the few hobbies that she carried over from before college. she could be grateful in acknowledging that txt was still her happy place, and fortunate that their music was portable.

taking out her diary, another time passer; she started to write.

saturday 9th september (14:13pm)

this week has been draining. i can't believe it's gotten to the point that i hate jake. he's just a dick.

drips has been alright, and jay's been cool, but it just isn't like high school, and i miss that. i miss him. university sucks.

in other news, txt had a comeback. it was alright i guess. sometimes i wish i could date someone like them because it'd give me much more of a sense of purpose instead of doing shitty chores, and making drinks for people who have just as sucky lives. who am i to say that though?

joori closed her book and cried. she didn't even have the will to write a page of it. her pillows were wet as her saline tears burned her skin. ceaselessly crying, she cocooned into a ball, rocking back and forth as she missed the life that she used to have. she hated herself for feeling so pathetic.

after numbing herself to the feelings that had flooded her body, she looked around at her physical space, and felt as stable as a wave, crashing down, flooding its surroundings.

her headache came back, all at once, tenfold. the harsh reality of living alone slapped her across the face, and as she looked at her mouldy university accommodation's ceiling, she felt more homesick than she had ever before. it wasn't just that she wanted to be home; it was that she wanted to be with her family, with her friends, and with her boyfriend again: because that was what she was truly sick of being away from. comfort, she believed, was all too easily taken for granted. the idea that just feeling safe wasn't a god-given right gave her another reason to find life difficult to bear and to find her actions meaningless and devoid of substance.

snapping out of her daze, she went to the kitchen, in hopes of something to soothe her. with a handful of far too many sugary foods, she buried herself under the covers and ate her pain away. the tears kept coming, and the food lost its charm. she couldn't stop the hunger she felt inside: the hole in her heart wouldn't be filled no matter how many jellies she ate.

eating and eating until she could no longer, she felt sick and dizzy. her head spun, making the room twist and contort as she observed it, and fell back, into a state of panic. it was less so a sugar rush, and more a sugar crash and burn. aggressively grabbing her pillow to her chest, she waited for the pain to go away. it persisted, like her thoughts and emotions that she just wished she could shut out and not have to face.

she felt a futility in her actions, a sense that nothing she could do would ever change her fate. if jake was now that kind of a person, how could she expect him to go back to being the way he used to be? how could she, in good conscience, will him to like her again? she didn't even like him anymore, so what sort of a felon would that make her become?

distressing thoughts came and eventually went. joori lost her grip on her thoughts, and let her mind come up with unrelenting awful thoughts. there was no escape from this side of her because she had already tried it all.

the next morning, joori still felt an overwhelming sense of worthlessness. nevertheless, she forced herself out of bed. she took a shower, and started working on a politics essay that she had been putting off. stoicism: that was the subject of her essay. it felt false for her to be the person writing about morals and getting swept up in worldly possessions, and that rather than using emotions as a compass, one should use ethics. how could she proudly send work for approval that was so inauthentic?

joori felt her heart race jump to a speed she could only describe as faster than it should. she felt the palpitations deep inside, making her breaths shorten, and her hands shake. she started sweating and felt unable to move. it felt like she was dying; like a heart attack; like a stake had pierced through her skin and into her body. she shut her computer down, angrily, and cried some more, letting the sense of shame and guilt swallow her whole.

she relaxed a little, after having a moment, and finished what she had started, writing whatever would just come out onto the page, and trying not to think about it too much. no one was judging her, so why did it feel that way?

choi joori felt exhausted; her emotions had taken a toll on her, but she didn't have time to rest. she would have to face school the next day, him the next day, and all the things she wished that she could run from. at least in her dreams, she would be free from torment, even if her nightmares were twice as bad.

demonic figures reared their ugly heads in any way they could that night, disturbing her and her sleep. she woke up twice in spells of intense heat, and dread for time to pass. the villains of her mind passed through every crevice they could find, mocking her with contortions of herself, and nasty thoughts.

one day, she said to herself, one day, it will all be okay.

that night it wasn't okay, she had lost her grip on the monsters pulling her under, and needed saving from herself. yet she had gotten through it.